If you are suicidal and thinking “I Want To Die” or “I Want to Kill Myself,” the most important thing is that you get help for yourself. If you cannot find help, this article should help guide you in the right direction. In order to get better, you need to reach out for help. Being suicidal can feel like an everlasting trap and you may start believing that no matter what you do, what you try, or however much will power you put forth, you will never get better. Although most people have different stories leading them to feel like killing themselves, the one thing that suicidal individuals have in common is that they want to die, but deep down, if they could get rid of the emotional pain, they would like to live a fulfilling life.
I Want To Die / Kill Myself: Coping With Suicidal Thoughts
When you are suicidal, I have found that three aspects of intervention are absolutely necessary to facilitate a full recovery. These three aspects include: social support, distraction, and professional help. Although it is imperative that you get some sort of professional help, you cannot be with professionals 24 hours a day 7 days a week. In the times when you feel most alone, you need at least one person who will listen to you talk, and even if they cannot provide good advice or a solution, be supportive and allow you to vent.
Additionally, when you don’t have anyone to talk to and are alone, I’ve found that distraction is necessary. If you don’t distract yourself, you may end up moping in a room all day by yourself and feel even worse that you didn’t do anything by the time the day is over. I’ve divided this up three ways into things that you should do if you are suicidal.
Social support:
1. Call family – If you are lucky enough to have supportive family members, give them a call and tell them what is going on. Chances are good that you know someone (at least one person) who you can talk to about how you feel. If you cannot call them, at least text them and tell them what’s up.
2. Call a friend – If you don’t have any family that you can talk to about how you feel, hopefully you have at least one friend you can vent with. If you have no friends or don’t feel comfortable talking about your feelings with them, there are still other options.
3. Call 911 – One way of getting some very good support for the way you are feeling is by calling 911 and explaining to them how you feel. When you call 911, a police officer will talk to you about how you are feeling and help you get to the bottom of the situation. If you do call 911, just know that you have nothing to be afraid of – the police are well trained and will help talk to you about what you can do to feel better. They may make you visit the hospital and get a professional mental health assessment, so keep this in mind should you decide to call 911.
4. Online forums – There are plenty of great online forums on which you can post anonymously and explain your situation. Many people on these forums are going through similar things and share your feelings of wanting to die and depression. One post will likely get you a ton of different feedback from people who have managed to live through their own suicidal days and create a fulfilling life.
Examples of forums include:
- PsychCentral.com
- PsychForums.com
- DepressionForums.org
I have listed them in the order that I recommend. I have given them all a shot and due to the sheer number of people signed up at PsychCentral, you are likely to get a lot of responses in a short period of time. Additionally, there are some extremely helpful souls at the PsychForums. Posting in forums anonymously is better than sitting in a room moping to yourself and holding in all your emotional pain. Share it with the world and let everyone know what you are going through. Someone may end up giving you some great advice or telling you exactly what you need to hear to push through another day.
5. Talklife App (iPhone / iPod / iPad) – A very cool app out to help those who are suicidal and struggling with their feelings is the Talklife app – available for free for iPhone, iPod, and iPad devices. I’m not sure if they are going to make one for Android platforms, but this is truly a gem with a lot of supportive people. You can help others by posting responses, get help by sharing your story and waiting for responses, and also come to learn that other individuals are going through tough times just like you. This is an awesome app if you utilize it correctly.
6. Suicide hotline – There are plenty of free suicide prevention hotlines that you can call anonymously to talk about how you feel if you are feeling suicidal. One example is that of the Samaritans. These are people that are waiting to talk to suicidal individuals and get them some help. At the very least, these anonymous people on the phone can be some sort of social support if you have none at the moment. Talking to a complete stranger is better than talking to no person at all.
7. Create a “life” contract – One good method for preventing suicide is to write up a contract saying that you will not kill yourself. You must share it with your therapist, psychologist, family or all of the above and sign it. This is essentially a promise that you vow to keep that you will not commit suicide. Surprisingly enough, these are pretty darn effective at preventing people from ending their life.
Distraction:
1. Exercise – One of the best distractions from your emotional pain of feeling suicidal is exercise. When you force yourself to work out, you are essentially becoming stronger and healthier. Additionally, in some cases, exercise provides a very quick antidepressant effect. Perhaps the most effective way to feel good is to go for a run – make yourself run at least a few miles. By running a few miles, you will stimulate the production of endorphins (natural feel good chemicals) in your body.
Whether you decide to go for a run, lift weights, do push ups, do pull ups, etc. Some sort of exercise can keep you distracted. Work your body until you are so tired that you think about getting some good sleep instead of suicide. Putting in your headphones, getting some fresh air, and going for a run outside is one of the best feelings in the world – no matter how terrible you currently feel.
2. Read (uplifting book or article) – If you are feeling like ending it all, some uplifting, inspirational reading material can really work wonders for your mind. If you read something positive or inspirational in regards to any aspect of life, it will help you feel better about your situation. Reading is a great distraction because no matter what you read, you are forced to focus on what you are reading instead of the suicidal thoughts cycling through your head. I know it may be difficult to read and stay focused, but having some good reading material handy can help you make it through another day. There are some great personal development websites (i.e. Steve Pavlina), books, and audio tapes (i.e. Tony Robbins) that may help you improve your situation by giving you a more positive perspective on life.
3. TV – If there is a good show on TV, or anything that you like to watch – sometimes simply watching TV can help distract you from your suicidal thinking. Whether it’s a sporting event, comedy, or just a show that you’ve always liked, it may be really helpful to force yourself to watch it if you feel like killing yourself. TV can sometimes be inspirational, funny, but most of all, a good distraction from the way that you are feeling.
4. Journal – For certain individuals, one of the best ways to get out their suicidal emotion is by journaling. Write down how you feel and then write down some ways in which you think you can overcome the feeling. Writing it down and analyzing how you feel helps you become more aware and conscious of yourself and your life. You can learn a lot about yourself by journaling and if you have nobody to vent to, at least getting your suicidal feelings documented will help.
5. Movies – Movies are a great distraction when you are feeling suicidal and distressed. When I was at my most suicidal I watched the entire James Bond series and rented one new release every night until I had seen them all. I think that comedy type movies tend to be most beneficial for those who are suicidal. I would recommend staying away from dramas and movies with a lot of sadness because they may make you feel even worse. Stick to something upbeat and who knows, by the end of it, you may feel pretty good.
6. Fresh air – Get outside, go for a walk, breathe some fresh air and enjoy the outdoors. There is nothing better than getting outside in nature if you feel suicidal. Getting away from all the hustle and bustle and going for a walk to clear your head is one of the best feelings in the world. If it helps, take music, or an inspirational tape with for some sort of mental boost. If you have a dog, take the dog for a walk and just enjoy being outside and feeling free. Even if you feel terribly suicidal, the fact that you are moving and doing something is a positive step.
7. Play a game – There are many types of games you could play including: board games, sports, Nintendo, Xbox, poker, etc. Pick a game that you like and play it. There are computer games, board games, card games, and tons of options. You could even play chess or checkers or try to learn a new game. When you feel suicidal, you can use this game as a distraction to help you cope with your feeling.
8. Food – Treat yourself to some good, healthy, food and see if it helps. If you have been eating too much, or unhealthy as a result of your depression, you may want to stay away from this item on the list. However, if you are suicidal, eating something good may provide you with at least some sort of temporary satisfaction. If you have enough money, order a good meal and enjoy the fact that you get something delicious to eat. Although this may not take away your suicidal feelings, it will help keep you distracted.
9. Sex – If you have a significant other to have some sexual fun with, this can really help improve mood. It helps increase the production of dopamine in the brain and sex is generally considered beneficial for mental functioning. The same effect and level of satisfaction is not typically achieved via masturbation. If you have a partner that you can have sex with (and your sex drive is not nonexistent due to the depression), you may want to have some fun – it could be a good temporary distraction from your suicidal feelings.
10. Clean your room – One of the best things you can do for yourself to stay distracted is to stay productive. Acknowledge that you feel suicidal, but make yourself do something to improve your living situation. Something simple that you can do is clean your room. Make your bed, pick up your clothes, do some laundry, vacuum, dust, organize, etc. Having a cleaner room and the sense of accomplishment you’ll get may distract you from how crappy you feel.
11. Art – Many people that have depression or are suicidal are great at drawing and creating artwork that helps express how they feel. Although dwelling on your emotion to create art may be painful, the act of creating artwork can help you get all of your feelings out and share them with the world. Additionally, if you are very musically inclined, you may want to write a song or play an instrument to help keep yourself distracted.
Professional help:
1. Psychotherapist – There are some great psychotherapists out there that may be just as smart and equally as equipped to help suicidal individuals as psychologists. The great thing about psychotherapists is that you can talk to them, they listen to what you have to say, and they come up with some solutions to help get you back on the right track mentally. If you are feeling suicidal, they will help you determine what is causing you to feel so down in the dumps and then come up with a plan to help you correct the situation.
2. Psychologist – There are some great psychologists that genuinely want to help people who are suicidal turn things around and make a full recovery. Psychologists are highly trained individuals that know how to help people struggling with thoughts of suicide and depression. Additionally many will help you come up with solutions for overcoming depression, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and can recommend various treatments depending on what is causing you to feel suicidal.
3. Psychiatrist – If you are suicidal all the time and don’t know what to do, somewhere along the line you will want to visit a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist will likely diagnose you with depression and give you some medication to try to help you overcome your depression. Although medications can be a pain in the butt to deal with, they do help a lot of people get through rough patches. If you feel suicidal all the time, every day, and don’t know what to do, a psychiatrist will prescribe you a medication that will produce some chemicals to make you feel better about yourself. Most people who commit suicide do not realize that there are tons of different treatment options available and that one medication could turn their entire life around and change their entire reality: from extreme despair and sadness to happiness within weeks.
Life is Temporary: Death Is Permanent
Just know that there is always hope for your future. Science is advancing at such a quick rate that there could be a cure tomorrow for whatever ails you. If you have a mental disorder, there may be an amazing new treatment that you don’t even know about. The key is getting yourself in touch with the right people for help. Wanting to die and/or kill yourself are not solutions to the problem at hand. The problem is that you are suffering. You need to take a look at yourself from the inside out and work towards making positive changes. Find one area of your life to improve so that you feel less depressed tomorrow.
If you have done everything on this list you should feel better and continue to improve your situation. Keep showing up, keep putting forth effort, keep trying, and eventually you will get better. It may not be overnight, it may not be in a week, a month, or a year, but when you figure out what works, you will be happy that you stuck around to enjoy life. You will look back at the time when you were suicidal as a mere “bump in the road” on the path to becoming the strongest version of yourself. If you can make it through this tough time, you can make it through anything. Choose to live.
My name is Olivia. I will be 29 in March, and for the past several months I have been contemplating ending my life. I am a girl, that happens to be transgender. I am unemployed, a high school dropout and I have no college education. I have severe anxiety which I have been battling for many years. I am homeless and couch surfing, staying at my sisters place watching over my nephew.
They are both unbearable un an indescribable way. My family does not understand me, or support or accept me. Most have banished me. Only my mom has even attempted to try. I am a licensed cosmetologist and cannot find a job in a salon anywhere. I briefly served in the ARMY and was discharged for my anxiety after serving only 3 months. I have a misdemeanor for stealing a bicycle a couple years back.
I have no car or a driver’s license. I have let myself go and have fallen through the cracks. I’m not even educated enough to go to college to get an education. I am stuck in a small gross hick town. I have no health insurance and cannot afford any kind of treatment for anything and am nor able to get health insurance through the state.
I’ve let my body go to sh*t and all I want to do is daydream all day. I was rather abused as a child and was once molested by a family member. I cannot even afford to have hobbies that used to bring me joy and I know they wouldn’t satisfy me anyway. I have wasted my life, my youth, and any chance of being independent. I used to have a drug issue and stole a bunch of money from a family member to buy drugs.
They know this and don’t want much to do with me anymore. I also stole drugs from a close friend of mine who doesn’t want anything to do with me either. I have since quit and turned to drinking, which helps my anxiety but not my depression. I am seeing an intern therapist for free and the therapy isn’t helping. I have destroyed my life. I have hurt others from my wrong doings. I am a broken and defeated person.
I am lost, alone and just want it all to end. I think about ending my own life just about every day. I think I am going to. I don’t know when or how, but I can feel it will be soon. I can’t even afford to run away. I have lost all confidence and self esteem. I have only held a job for 6 months or longer, twice in my whole life. Everything has fallen apart. I have fallen apart. I just want it all to end. I just want it to stop.
I’m suicidal everyday… tonight your article gave me great comfort. The only peace of mind I’ve had in a while. I’m 19 almost 20. My dad got diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer almost a year ago. I’ve been his caretaker for the past six months on my own. At first I just thought he’d get better. He was always the only sane person in my family. The strong one. I slowly watched him go from 200 lbs to 129… I watched my dad wither away.
Day by day. He’d ask God to take him. It ruins my own sanity to see my father in this amount of discomfort. He never smoked so this wasn’t fair. He looks like he’s doing better now. He’s gained weight. Treatment side effects are wearing off. However for some reason just a while ago the thought of dying came in my mind. Since then has never left. I think into. All day. Every day. No matter what I’m doing.
I lived a sheltered life as a child. So it’s really hard for me. What does death feel like? What happens after we die? I’ll never be able to hug or talk to the ones I hold close to my heart once they die. I won’t be able to love my boyfriend of almost 3 years now who I love dearly from the grave. This is the first night where I think I’ll be able to sleep with a clear mind. Thank you. Bless your soul.
It doesn’t matter what you say. At some point in life things can just be too difficult to continue on. If you’re young, you have a good chance of fixing your problems, but when you are 50, sometimes it is just the end. I will end it, it is only a matter of time. The reason I haven’t yet is because I fear what it will do to my wife. It is getting to the point where my wife will want to leave me because of my troubles. Once that happens, I’m free to take my life. Sometimes it really is the only way out of this pain.
I’m a 57 year old white gay male – tall and skinny with a small penis – but kind of good looking. I’ve been very unhappy for as long as can remember. I have no boyfriend and no friends. I’ve been a paralegal for 20 years and I hate every f*cking second of it. Both of my parents died in 2014 and they were so poor they had nothing left to leave me. I earn 70k yearly but I’m still poor because I’m still paying off my student loan – I still owe 45K on it not to mention additional credit card debt.
The only happiness I get is from smoking pot which costs $450 monthly. I haven’t smoked in 2 weeks because I’m try to save money. I can’t sleep unless I smoke pot. When I don’t smoke pot, my dreams wake me up and I can’t get back to sleep and I’m filled with anxiety. Any sex I have is anonymous but I get to hook up with cute guys, but they don’t want a continuous relationship with small-dicked guy.
I did have a long term boyfriend but he is mentally ill and the relationship deteriorated. I started to hate Jews (my grandfather was Jewish and a real a-hole) when I went into the legal profession. I work for Jews and I think they know I hate Jews. I have not had a pay increase in 2 years. My commute is 90 minutes each way. I wanted to move into Manhattan so I could possibly have a social life but I just renewed my lease in Queens because the rents in Manhattan are just too high.
The cheapest rent fro a decent studio apartment is $2200 monthly and you have to earn 40x the rent to qualify. I’m probably going to get fired soon because I just keep getting angry at work due to my life and I say things that piss everybody off. The other day I got pissed and said I hated this country and was going to vote for Trump. I’ve wanted to kill myself for years if not decades.
My car is 15 years old and on its last legs. I just put new tires and wheels on it but the transmission is leaking and the suspension system is rotting away. I don’t think it will pass inspection next month. I have about 40K in retirement savings and I might just cash it in and pay the penalty and go to Denver and stay stoned for as long as can and then kill myself. I see no way out.
Richard, I know exactly how you feel… I posted this comment under another post a couple of days ago and ironically we’re exactly the same age, so I thought I’d share this with you… Comment I posted under a similar post 2 days ago:
I FIRMLY believe that suicide is my ONLY solution… I’m 57 years old, divorced and owe over $300,000 to my bank. Most of the debt is for the loan on the house that I am living in and unless some miracle occurs, the bank will sell it on auction (probably for about 1/3 its market value), after which I’ll be instantly homeless. I expect this will occur within the next 8 weeks.
I got divorced and lost my job in the same month – July last year and I have applied for over 100 jobs since – ALL applications promptly rejected, of course. I feel like I am a hopeless, useless and worthless bag of garbage. I guess that would be because in reality, that’s what I must be. Nobody wants me and nobody cares, but that’s not important, I can live with that – being alone isn’t bad really.
What I cannot cope with is the fear of being homeless and totally penniless for the rest of my life I don’t like the idea of living in parks or in the wilderness, especially in cold, wet weather. I am almost constantly sobbing day-in day-out because I see no way out of this at all. Suicide I believe, is a saviour from the infinite humiliation I am destined to suffer otherwise…
Oh yeah and just to put the icing on the dreadful cake that represents my hopeless life: I also had to cash in ALL of my superannuation to settle my divorce, so now I have NOTHING. The only glimmer of hope I am clinging to now is that I might win Lotto. Seriously. I know that seems INSANE, but is it?
What other hope do I have? I am old, useless and above all: UNEMPLOYABLE… I invest a very small amount on that each week and pray that my numbers will one day prove lucky. I NEVER used to gamble before all this happened and I even advised others how they were only ‘buying false hope’. Waiting for the Lotto numbers to be drawn is the ONLY reason I am still alive.
It would be pretty unfortunate if I hung myself and the next day my numbers were drawn and I won $5,000,000.00! I see no other solution. I don’t want to listen to councillors, therapists or psychologists and their patronizing words (that make me feel even MORE worthless) any longer. I have grown tired of this world and its cruelty, so I am leaving it, very soon.
Good luck to everyone who may be experiencing similar because I don’t think that too many people reading this would have it much worse…
I’m sorry you are suffering. I hear your pain. Some ideas:
1. Pay off your credit card debt first. Calculate how long it will take to pay it off if you STOP putting anything on it, and just pay your minimum balance. Once you have this calculation, take the amount you would need to pay per month, and budget out (include your regular payments on your student debt, your regular payments for pot, your regular payments for food) how much additional you can put on. It’s OK if it’s only $50 extra a month. Really. Set up an automatic payment. Mark it in your calendar. CELEBRATE (emotionally!, feel good about yourself) each and every time you the date for the payment rolls around.
2. While you’re doing this, keep paying the amount you need to pay on your student debt. Then, once your credit card is paid off. Do the same.
3. Once stuff is paid off…quit your f*cking job. When you don’t have debt, reduce your lifestyle and do something you enjoy. Even if it is a receptionist job that pays $10 an hour for a company or non-profit that you can get behind. (I say when, cause reducing your lifestyle in order to pay off your debt almost never works, because it feels like punishment…do one good thing at a time, gently). (Ha, OK, quitting your job may not be gentle, but if you hate it that much…). As a paralegal you have hella lot of skills. Think creatively about them! (You can use the time while you’re paying off debt to think creatively!)
4. Stop worrying about your dick. The dudes you’re with are lucky to be with you, regardless of the size of your penis. If they care about that, they are idiots. Have fun, experiment, date around, but don’t look for the solution inside someone else… there is no way you are not worth loving (you loving you…).
All I’ve ever wanted was a life without pain. I’m 24 years old and have been depressed for nearly 10 years. These past 5 I began to feel hope when I met the man of my dreams. But I would only have 3 years of bliss. In 2014, he cheated on me. I stayed because I felt the issue could be solved and we could work things out, a month after we broke up, we started dating again. In 2015 I was involved in a high speed collision that I was lucky enough to walk away from.
But had to deal with the mental and physical pain associated with the accident. Though the accident wasn’t my fault, I have felt guilt for a long time as the driver in the other vehicle ended up severely injured and to this day is not doing well. Later in 2015, my boyfriend and I decided to buy a house. We bought a puppy, and after 2 months she was ran over by accident, by my boyfriend. The pain he went through hit me hard too.
I had never seen him so devastated. Right after the incident he bought another puppy even though I was still grieving for my puppy. I eventually fell in love with our new girl. Fast forward to today, my boyfriend after 5 years told me he no longer loves me. I have now lost my home, my puppy (again) but more importantly, the love of my life. I have no friends but a relatively supportive family.
I just don’t feel like I can talk to them about how I feel. It’s going to be Sunday tomorrow so I doubt any offices are open to talk with anyone. And I don’t want to talk on a hotline because I don’t want my mom or dad to hear (yeah, I had to move back on with my parents). Every day, every month and every year there always seems to be something. I don’t think I want to die, but I’ve never been in so much pain in my whole life…
I want to talk to someone but I think I have to wait until Monday. So, this is my “speaking up” moment for now.
Hi, I’m someone who was just diagnosed with MS. I thought I had problems before… I would shut down and throw myself self pity parties before this happened! Usually over my lack of career/no car (multiple car problems, car crash totaled… having liability only). I could go on seriously it would never end. I’ve been struggling to cope and accept that I now have to inject myself with medicine multiple times a month.
Also, I have to deal with side effects after each injection. I also now have to worry about how I’m going to pay for this new horrible life and worry about it every year like unemployment. (I live in a seasonal area laid off a few months a year… another struggle). I’m still trying to stay positive… It is a struggle.
The thing with my suicidal suicidal thoughts is the best I could ever do is keep it to myself. It’s just gotten to a point where family and loved ones view it as “Just Drama”. When I’m sad I want to end me, it’s simple yet so complicated but I have absolutely no one who believes I need help. They just see it as me asking for attention.
What they don’t get is I hate myself whenever this happens and I fall even more depressed when no one really does care or give a sh*t that I’m seriously thinking of ending my life. I’ve tried bringing it up but I always get reactions like “I’m mad at you for asking for attention like this” when all I really want is a good talk, someone to say it’s a phase and it’ll pass that it’s ok to be sad but it’s never ok to want to kill yourself. A hug would be nice…
I hear you I hear you! SO many people make it about themselves, make everything about themselves and can’t see that people are reaching out or have need and that’s really what it’s about. I’m so sorry that the people in your life are reacting so poorly, when you need empathy and love. I understand… I often feel suicidal, but I’m aware the feelings are my body and mind and my system reaching out with need – an expression of the pain I am in — not a directive, and pain needs to be met with love and empathy, not anger, or dismissal, or control. I am sending you a hug over the e-vastness. Maybe also try connecing to the ‘experienceproject’ (google it)…the sections on depression there really helped me, mostly very good people wanting to connect and care for each other.
Ladies and gentleman: I have done and and been witness to some horrible things. I’ve spent 4 years fighting a war. I get no interest from other people and I have no family. The only friends I have ever made killed themselves after coming back home and left me here to deal with this shit everyday. I’m not mad at them. I understand why they did what they did and I think about doing the same at least 50 times a day.
I have been in one relationship in my entire life and she left me for someone else. The depression, guilt and anxiety have taken my marriage, drive, mobility and sexual desire. I never leave my home and have tried every known treatment there is. I have had one good doctor the entire time I have been suffering and she moved. It’s harder than most people know to find someone who you trust and that cares about you to listen.
I attempted to take my life last year with a 1911 45ACP. This weapon has been the most reliable weapon I have ever had. It jammed. I’m not sure why. I have tried it since. I survived an overdose of heroine as well. Some random drifting homeless man found me and used my phone. I don’t believe in this crap that suicide is selfish. I’m the most selfless person ever and just want peace.
I also don’t agree with the phrasing death is not a solution. Yes it is. The only thing I can say is the obvious. Take one day at a time and put all your work into not hating yourself. I have made very small gains in this area, but for people like us any progress is welcomed. Best of luck to you all.
What to do when nobody loves you once they know you… My life is struggle and it always has and I assume always will be. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, Dyslexia, ADHD all my life. I am a very introverted person who speaks in a whisper and I have no confidence in myself. I’m noticeably very uncomfortable in social interaction. That said people seem to gravitate to me.
I’m rather small in stature. I think people gravitate towards me because of my non-judgmental attitude towards sex, religion, race, etc. I don’t dislike people for there skin color religion or on and on and so on. People see me, and greet me. I can tell they instantly find me intriguing because of my open mind and my good looks. I think at first glance people expect me to be superficial or full of myself. I know I sound superficial because I know people consider me good looking.
But that is where the fantasy stops and the intrigue begins. How can an anglo be introverted to the degree that I am, when they have so much going for them? What they don’t know is how I don’t see it, how I don’t ride the wave and cash in on being physically beautiful on the outside. When they can’t take it and look for more info, turn over stones for answers that are not ready for. How can a talented handsome person like myself be so cynical unconscious about what he has?
But really I’m a frightened child who is scared to open up to anyone. I’m going through a divorce and have two wonderful kids. But I’m so disgusted with my wife and myself, lonely, jaded, and have insecurities that push to the point where I’m at now. I can’t focus, I can’t be a good parent because of my depression. I don’t trust anyone to ever love me romantically because they like me. I feel like a trophy or someone who because of my good looks becomes an item that they like to be seen with.
Because from a far being with a good looking person makes them feel good. I just can’t stand it any longer. Can’t stand peoples expectations of me because of how I look… I know there are some people who would trade shoes with me in a heart beat. Just tired of looking for companionship, only to find out everyone I meet has a similar agenda. Now that I have this handsome man now all I need is for him to behave like he looks. Confident, arrogant, dress to impress. SWAGGER.
I’m just not interested and tired of it. They only reason I don’t check out is because of my kids. But as the days go and my anxiety continues to reach unprecedented levels I reconfirm to myself I will never fit in or be able to like them… I don’t know how I can continue feeling this. I love my kids. I’m scared of myself. Why was it, when I was a kid I was a sad one? How can I do it. How can I not?
If I lose my job tomorrow I will die tomorrow afternoon. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t take anymore. I need an easy friend to talk to one with a bit to lend. Oh yeah, I have seen so many psychiatrists lately. But they all do the same f*cking thing. Whats going on with you? I tell them, and they agree. I only hear scripted, cliche responses. Rarely does anyone give me constructive advice… Please someone help me. My kids need me.
58, disabled, chronic pain 24/7 and can’t take pain meds due to related GI problem, been to every doc at UCLA and UW in Seattle, no help. Rare joint connective disease. Also have suffered with “Severe Chemical Sensitivity” for 9 years, due to toxic mold in LA apartment. Lost all my possessions for 50 years of life with kids. Lost love of my life due to sudden heart attack on the dance floor, were to be married in a week.
For unknown reasons to me, neither of once extremely close sons are no longer talking or communicating with me. Have no more close friends whatsoever. Been moved by Ex to Portland, Or, when my home was LA, after mold as he was helping me pay rent before Disability and decided “he didn’t want to pay for me to stay in LA any longer (young sons too) but rather, a “cheaper city”.
I had to sell a car, sick from mold products experts told me to have car detailed with and for 7 months as it dried in my upholstery, I got sicker and sicker and sicker. Put it up for sale, asked Ex if I could put in front of his house and he could show to Craigslist people. He agreed and was paying auto insurance on it. One morning, he didn’t ask me, he just moved it to horrible major shortcut in Santa Monica, fast cars, big curve. It was totaled by 2 guys without insurance.
Ex at the crying of my sons, bought me new tiny Scion and then sent me up to Portland with Severe Joint Disease at 50 year of age, having spent life, boys and friends in LA. Then, few months later, had someone come repossess my little car out of the blue. I went out to use it and it was gone forever. Bus stop was 2 miles from me. And I couldn’t walk anyway. Friends all gone by the wayside now – my joint disease just palliative care.
Extremely sensitive to all laundry products in apartment buildings, and cigarette smoke. Can’t get away from it. Have my own machines, but can’t afford to get back to LA, where my boys are and where people don’t have their own laundry machines. No one calls anymore. No one cares. Was once a ballerina, an unusually bright woman with cooking, cleaning, homemaking, office managing for nonprofits, lots of smart friends, and now I am nothing.
No one calls, sons are gone. Father abused me, is alive across country at 97 and is a bastard. Has a lot of money, but giving it to my two sisters (bitches and greedy) and doesn’t care about his Grandsons. I can’t be an Aunt to my sisters children. I am completely ESTRANGED. My Disability barely pays my rent and on Food Stamps without a car in freezing rural Washington.
Can’t meet people due to me Chemical Sensitivity for perfume and their laundry products residues on their clothing. I’d say it’s ALL PRETTY DAMNED GOOD REASONS. HAVE BEEN TO THE EDGE MANY TIMES. TONIGHT, PROBABLY THE CLOSEST. Took a bunch of Benzodiazapene to slow me down at least for now. Horrible empty life. Not worth living. Had my kids, loved my love – he’s gone now. No reason to be here.
Help me. I am only 12… I can’t stand my parents…They are always fighting with me. I do the same thing every day. Wake up, go to school, go home, do homework, go to bed. On days with no school – Wake up, do remaining homework, sit in my room to do nothing (I can’t play or watch TV because of my bad grades), go to sleep. That’s it. Same thing, everyday. Only things keeping me alive are my friends in school. Please help me…I am bored. Do I run away or kill myself?
Nina I’m 14 now and wondering what I should do with my life. My situation is the same as yours. Since this comment was left 3 years ago what did you do?
I’m 25 and feel pointless about living. Everyday questioning my own existence as I’m not ever happy. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, not in my family, not in the society. I’m not happy, when it’s all that I want. I’m just always in such a state of anxiety and stress that I can’t feel happy. I have a simple and rather painless plan to end my life yet I’m worried about the shame this family will bear when I’m really gone, esp to someone who I’ve been grateful to since I was born. So I’m planning an extra step to attempt this plan somewhere very far from home.
I’ve been having thought of ending my life since I was 12 and I’m currently 20. Bright side is I’m 20 and still living lol. But I just wanted to say thank you for posting this article. I’m at work right now at 24 hour fitness and its 2:30 in the morning. I have no one to talk to and no friends to visit even after this because theyre all in my home state of Cali. But just reading this and the comments and letting me know I’m not alone made me feel a whole lot better. So thank you.
Nothing. It’s all a big nothing, day in, day out. Medicine, psychotherapy, natural remedies, weight loss, diets, exercise–none of it works…and I’m not making excuses, because I’ve tried it all. Nothing interests me anymore. I’m a waste of human life energy. I’ve dealt with moderate to severe mental illness for the past decade. I’m gonna be thirty if I live to next year…
No one wants me around. I’m just a nuisance to them. I need to cheer up, to fight it, to get over it, etc. Just all a big nothing. Forget dating and relationships. The moment women find out that I’m ill, and can’t hold a job (on disability pensions to survive), they leave me in the dust, alone and without companionship; as though all they want is what financial security I can provide…as if I’m not lovable as a result. I used to be a very nice, generous fellow. That disposition is sill there, I suppose, buried deep…but it doesn’t matter.
I feel nothing. I want nothing. I care nothing. Sometimes, this nothingness gives way to deep, crushing sorrow and depression, crying incessantly as I lay in bed. Other times, it gives way to paranoid anxiety and me being immobilized on my bed due to psychosis and depression. But most of the time, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can sing opera and compose epic music, and those that have heard either have been uplifted. That brings me no joy anymore. No one does anything for me, and on the occasions that I do communicate my troubles, help is given…but it is expected that after the help is given that all will be well.
It never is. Just more nothing. Nothing works. Nothing lifts me. I doubt even love and sex would do anything. I doubt that even drug and alcohol abuse would solve anything. Belief in God does nothing as well. Belief in anything is requiring too much effort anymore, which effort expends all of what little reserves of energy I have. I want to be done. I want out. I want death, though I doubt that even with imminent death, I’d feel any sort of joy.
I have nothing. I am nothing. No one wants me. No one likes me. Heck, I don’t even like me. Nothing helps. I’m contemplating dying. I’ve collapsed many times from fatigue and no energy. I’m just a messed up human being that can’t handle life. I just want the nothingness to end…
I had a handful of pills when I read this article. Thank you…You’ve given me another reason to rethink my decisions. -C
I lost my son almost 3 years ago and came home, said hello to my father (my very best friend) and an hour after found him dead on the couch. That in and of itself has been overwhelming of course. I’m a tough girl. I can take almost anything, but this has me struggling so much. As a result of the sudden and unexpected loss of my father my mother has taken too many meds (way, way to many) and as a result I have had to put her in a nursing home.
It hurts me to even type it. As a result, I bear so much anguish and pain. I feel like I let everyone down and punish myself 24/7. I quit my job, dropped out of school, drink to no end and cut everyone I know out of my life. I have nothing or no one left. Your article was a great distraction from my constant pain and I appreciate you letting me know that I’m not the only one out there dealing and living with depression. Just knowing I’m not the only one helps more that you probably know.
I was a government employee. Now retired there are several service matters to decide. I don’t want to go out of the station. But always under pressure of these problems. I have no interest in this life. Always stressed, this is not a life.
I have been going through hell. In the last 2 years I have gone through 9 surgeries and I am not getting any better. I think the only way is to end it all. I have thought of many ways. Seen a counselor and no help. I just want it to be all over. I am tired of being in pain.
I don’t want help myself. I’m too tired. I just wish I’d die.
I too am suicidal. Have been for about 8 years now (but really since I was a teenager – so 25 years). Had a good relationship with a beautiful girl that I completely destroyed with my selfishness, depression and psychosis. Now on 20mg Zyprexa and getting fatter and more repugnant by the day. The 375mg of Effexor does nothing, I still spend the bulk of my time fantasising about hanging myself. The only thing stopping me is my dog. I can barely get out of bed, when I do I’m a zombie from all the drugs they make me take.
Repeatedly hospitalised because of this depression. Don’t want to go back to hospital. They can’t do anything for me anyway. So lonely. No one to talk to. This even is pointless. Voices in the void. Destroyed my career, was being groomed to be an art star, now all is lost. Can’t make anything any more. Schizophrenia and depression saw to that. Now the drugs that are supposed to be healing me seem to be causing my physical downfall. Just want it to stop.
Paul – I know what you’re going through; the 16+ years of suicidality, I have a fine arts degree which I got in Europe and through some bad relationships ended up losing my visa and having to come back to the States and burning my bridges within the fashion industry) and I’m now doing administrative work in a gray cubicle… my relationship with a very lovely guy is being destroyed by my mood swings, ETC.
I’ve always said the only reason for not killing myself is my cat. My cat had surgery recently which my family generously contributed to, it kind of made me realize I am loved, but in the same way… it’s like ok my cat is OK now and my family REALLY cares… so there’s even more guilt in just ending it. It’s both a relief and comfort and also annoying since it makes it harder for me .
Effexor is horrible by the way. I was on it for a few months and it nearly ruined my life with the side effects and bizarre behaviour. I’m still coping with the withdrawal. It made me self-harm which I hadn’t done in years. Talk to your psychiatrist about not being on Effexor, I experienced terrible side effects myself; I was on 150 mg. Your withdrawal is going to be absolute shit, but get yourself some art supplies, stock up on ginger (because you’re going to be nauseous). That medication is pure evil and I don’t know how it ever got approved!
You probably can create something – just start putting anything on a canvas; even if it’s your negative emotions. I know the feeling of not having any energy and being zonked out on meds. I got back into painting after getting disillusioned with fashion and because it’s something that I could do in bed on days I felt shit.Even if you just dip a brush in paint and slap it on the canvas once; in a few days you’ll probably have something someone will refer to as “abstract art”. I actually was much more into realism, but I can’t focus on it enough these days due to feeling like crap. I don’t know if your medium is painting but I like those extra large, uber cheap filbert brushes for when I want to convey anger and chaos. The blenders are good too for the brain fog/zombie emotions. I have different brushes for different emotions. Please continue to make stuff. I unintentionally did my best piece withdrawing from Zoloft.
I wish I could help with the pain, life is pretty shit being artistic in a non-artistic world especially with mental illness, but hang in there and DO NOT GIVE UP ON ART even if you think the industry has given up on you. Don’t end it at least until you’ve amassed a body of work that can get into a museum will have creepy art dealers fighting over it for hundreds of years.
For the record I don’t think you’re psychotic; I like your writing style (there’s definitely a lot of creativity left in there, judging on your choice of words and vocabulary) and you sound quite funny and intelligent. You actually sound like someone I’d like to hang out with.
Paul – Just lost my artist friend. He was a veteran diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have some examples of his work that I think would cheer you up. Not sure how to get them to you. -D
I worked really hard for a few years feeling physically and emotionally drained, only to find out that I have a physical disorder that is fairly complicated. My child, who had not demonstrated his anger with me, left home to attend college and in his first year, he picked up some drug abuse issues. Those issues spanned 7 years, and one time during that time, he held a loaded gun with the barrel touching my head.
I have been unsuccessful in marriage. I tried to kill myself unsuccessfully in January, 2013, by taking 60 of a prescribed medication. My spiritual voice said, “God’s not ready for you, because he only allowed you to sleep for about two days.” Then I tried again in 2014, by taking 35 prescription sleeping pills. Again, I had no success. I’ve returned to work, but I exist.
I do not have the courage to violently end my own life, and I’ve made two solid attempts with prescription medication. The irony is that my physical problem is that I don’t absorb certain vitamins and minerals, and all of my life, prescription medication has not “worked” for me like it does others. I think that’s largely why I’ve never had any addiction problems.
I tried a psychologist, but I was smarter than the psychologist. I’ve solid friendships, and I’m close to extended family. My immediate family is a disaster. No one would believe I’ve really done these things, because people see me as a strong-willed, independent person. They do not know me at all, even some closest to me.
I really don’t want to keep going any more. The only reason I haven’t done anything is that I had a Catholic upbringing at stupidly it stops me, but that buffer is being worn down. I have several major health problems that stop me exercising and I can’t go swimming as my neck injury precludes it.
I just don’t care about anything. Each day my pain increases and my narcotic intake goes up to fight it. I have a loving family, one or two close friends, but once the shock has eased they’ll be better off without me. I’m simply over it all.
I feel like I can’t tell anyone because I work in a safety sensitive job. Everyday at work I could die intentionally or not. I’m afraid that getting professional help will get me fired, ruin my career, tarnish my family’s reputation, end my marriage, and I don’t think I could deal with all that. I just know it’s not ok to feel like this as often as I do.
I want to die. Why can’t I find a good guy? Every guy I have dated treats me like sh*t. I was in love with this guy 6 years ago but he didn’t love me. He punched and screwed me mentally and physically. As soon as I broke it off with him, he was in another relationship. They have been together since and have a baby. I don’t understand why I’m just not wanted. I’m a good person, but guess that doesn’t matter. So lost, so empty.
I’m 35. I wish I was older; closer to the end. I can’t make friends. I have no idea how to. I’m not the type of person anyone wants to be around. I’ve come to the conclusion there’s nothing left to look forward to except the end. I want the end. I exercise daily (my work is extremely physical). Nothing distracts from the thoughts. I recently made a discovery about my marriage that erased all trust. Yeah, that’s helpful. Our sex life was already almost nonexistent. I’m sexually dysfunctional – I discovered at 10 my stepfather was a pedophile.
I’ve never recovered. I bought an exit bag kit but I don’t trust it’ll work. Ive lost my passions. I can’t enjoy sex. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I constantly fantasize about having a heart attack or being broadsided by a transport truck. This has to stop. Nothing feels right anymore. If you have something that feels right, don’t let it go wrong. I don’t know how you keep it, but if you can, please do. Don’t end up like me. Nobody deserves to be like me.
Hi all, I am lost. I hate myself. Everyday I wake up and I want to die. This is mainly because I feel that no girl will ever love me. I can’t perform sexually. I try to last more then a minute and I fail every-time. Another reason I want to die is because of the pain I’ve caused my family over he years. I have stolen from them lied to them and I can’t forgive myself. I was only a teenager when this happened but I still can’t forgive and forget. I wake up everyday wishing I could die. I kind of want to be around more depressed people. Anyone want to hang out sometime? I could really use another depressed person. I’m in Surrey, British Columbia, Canada. Holler at me.
I just broke up with my boyfriend last night and I really feel like ending it all. It turned out that he doesn’t want to have kids anymore because he already has 2. The most hurtful thing is he decided by himself to schedule a vasectomy next week and didn’t even considered me when he knows I want to have a kid with him [as I don’t have any kids yet]. To this hour I can’t move. He hurt me so much. I’ve been throwing up, crying, getting headaches and feeling sick. I just feel like ending it all. I want to get out of this pain. I really really need to reach out and I am so close to killing myself. Please pray for me.
I don’t hang myself because I have one hope, to be a mother, I’m already 36. But I think about hanging myself all the time. I practice tying the mac cord around my neck, or the fan switch that hangs below in my apartment. I have no one to talk to. No friends, no family. I get up, I think about killing myself, I think about a kid and that’s it. I have a romantic relationship with someone I work with and can’t end it for a lot of reasons. So I just keep thinking these thoughts and it makes me cry all the time.
I hate what I have become. I wake every morning feeling sick before I go into a job I absolutely hate. I quit every year or so only to find the same sh*t. I work hard everyday in an racial environment where I’m the minority and hated, talked about or even sabotaged. I have to rely on many others to finish and do their jobs right in order to do mine.
I’m always under extreme stress and time constraints to finish due to someone else’s negligence. I make huge money for the company but I get no credit and lousy compensation. I’m too old to reinvent myself and try another career. I come home to a b*tch wife that doesn’t respect me and uses me. She has conditioned our daughter to start hating me too at age 6. She has filed for divorce and is still living in my house.
The only time I’m happy is while I sleep. I absolutely hate every second I’m awake. I have put the gun to my head a few times but I’m too much of a pussy to pull the trigger. I can’t talk to anybody. Everyone is oblivious to my depression and would never understand the depth to it. I am filled with hate for just about everything these days. Trapped with no way out but my own fate.
Roger, I hope you do reinvent yourself. I hope whether it be a taxi cab driver or another fortune 500 that you say screw the house, the wife and maybe even the kid and just start over. That is my hope for you.
Well I have been feeling like this since I was about 14, I am 28. I lost my job and my girlfriend dumped me for how I acted (part and parcel of my mental illness). This happened within about 2 days of each other, I have had to move back home with my mother and now feel like I am in a much worse place than I was when I was 18.
I feel completely useless and this is spiraling, this is the first time I have ever seriously contemplated just checking out, the only thing that holds me here is not wanting to upset people. That is honestly the only thing keeping me here, I feel like I am unlovable, useless and I know I will end up alone in life, I feel as though I don’t deserve to be happy and that everyone else would just be better off if I was just gone.
I wish you all the best of luck as you try to find a way to let your agony subside. Persevere to find the hint of light in the darkness the surrounds you. You will never truly escape your torment if you don’t continue trying to overcome it. Only when you keep persisting in your fight against your suffering will you eventually break free of your hopeless state and finally be able to have a life without constant pain.
Gloom, I pray that your words will soon be a start to my recovery. I am 27, a wife, mother, and I am in a dark place. I have suicidal thoughts daily with no one to talk to. My husband works 60 hours/week and I am stranded at home with my kids. I never get a break, and I feel I am going crazy. I am scared to tell my family because they will only tell me that I am crazy, and that will push suicide further to the forefront. I am not sure what to do next, and if I don’t do something fast, life will be over fast. I do not have a strong support system behind me and all my dreams are shot to hell, so I figure I might as well join them. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!
I recommend that you try to find any method that can suppress your hopelessness. You’ll never know when you might escape your agony. Just keep trying. Remember that no matter what you might think, there are people who care about you.
Hi Lost Soul, I don’t really know the answers for you, but would just like to share some perspectives that might help:
1. There are some of us, hopefully many, that really do care about people. If we only could all find, or at least know about each other, we would all be a lot happier.
2. If the only thing your family would tell you is that you are crazy, then they either don’t care enough for their opinion to matter, or they do care but just don’t have the insight and knowledge to respond appropriately.
3. The reason your post touched me so much is because my own mother committed suicide when I was two years old, and so I want to tell you from first-hand knowledge that if you commit suicide you are dooming your child/children to a life full of pain. I have had to deal with severe abandonment issues all my life that began when she left. I am doing better now, but am now 68 years old and missed out on a lot of potential. Maybe my mother thought I’d be better off without her, but if so, she was wrong because no one can fully replace a mother’s love.
I hope you find peace, and happiness for yourself and your children while you still have the opportunity. Also, I hope something I’ve said may help. Just want you to know that even though I don’t know you I do care, and am sure I speak for unknown others when I say that. Please feel free to reply if you need someone to talk to, and most of all, please just hang in there for your children and yourself.
Lost soul, please stick around. I’m 36 and I miss my mother everyday – she left this world when I was 8. Your life does sound crazy and I believe you. I hope you take the kids to the grocery store and put them in the kiddie care section and then just relax and stare at the flowers and know that people care about you and people are hugging you and giving you tea from little small towns on the west coast. Please stick around. You are a great mother who is doing the best she can and I’m proud of you.
I’m not even sure if people still post on this or not, so, apologies if this is just a waste of space. It’s not that I’m angry at people, or my situation or my conflicting feelings – I don’t have the capability to even narrow it down to specific things anymore, I’m just angry at the world. I’m not sure who I am anymore. What makes a person who they are? For me, it was my friends, loved ones, my innocence. But when all that was stripped from me, what does that make me then?
When I was around 10, I had to move house from where I’d grown up and spent most of my life, losing all but one of my friends in the process, and the one I kept I barely talk to. I was young, anxious about this new place, friendless and upset. I still miss home even now. When I was 13, I fell in love. Yes, you may think it’s debatable at such a young age but this was unquestionable. From the first conversation we had, I knew I’d never get him out of my head, or my heart.
We talked, got close, even had stupid nicknames for each other, but this wasn’t some naïve crush. I loved him, still do. Eventually though, he moved on. Found other people, other friends. We stopped talking, well, he did. I still tried. But then one day, I finally realised that even though I’d said I loved him, he didn’t care in the slightest. He broke my heart, and I’ve had trouble being in any relationship without thinking of him. Two years ago, my best friend committed suicide.
I had no idea what had been going on behind closed doors. Tom had been bullied into taking drugs, he’d been accused of rape, he’d been assaulted and threatened and backed into a corner until he couldn’t get out. The worst part is, I was ‘friends’ with the person who started the rape allegations and threatened him. I saw Tom five days before he died, he walked past me on my way home from school and smiled at me. When I got told he’d died, I didn’t believe it at first, I had to ask someone else to make sure it was true.
When they confirmed it, I just broke. I don’t need to be diagnosed with depression to know just how low I’m feeling, constantly. I don’t need to be told that I’m not alone to know that others feel the same. I’m no longer innocent, or naïve or open-hearted or caring or happy or hopeful or optimistic. I’m broken, I’m battered, I’m scared, I’m exhausted and I’ve got more scars than I’ve ever let on. I’m 15 years old and I feel like my life has been taken from me. And that having to wait until I’m 80-something to die is more punishment than I ever deserved.
When you pray every night and day, try to be positive as much as you can and all you see is darkness. When you are educated, have degrees, get fired at work for no good reason, when you’ve been over to ten job interviews within two months but you can’t find anything, get used and exploited for your ideas then that’s the pain one cannot endure. I’m 22 years of age and I’ve tried everything to make my life better but it seems like darkness and failure are after me and the only option is to kill myself because I already feel like I’m in hell.
Molly, I don’t know what to say except your post really stood out for me because you are so young. I’m sorry you have so much pain and have been rejected. To feel this at such a young age, when your whole life is in front of you, that really says a lot. I’m also not well mentally. I’m not sick and get offended when my therapist insists that I am depressed or need medication. I consider myself very lucid and my desire is based on some sound logic. One aspect of this logic is my age.
I’m 50 and I tell myself it is all downhill from here. But you are so young. You have potential. I don’t know you but I feel you have so many events you have yet to experience. I wonder if you are lacking emotional support or people are blowing you off when you speak of your perceived failures. It is my wish for you that you will get a job where you feel fulfilled and appreciated. And this wish is very likely to come true. Catch your breath and try to heal a bit.
I’m not trying to “talk you down.” I’m only giving an outside perspective and this comes from someone who is also suicidal. I spent all my time looking up suicide methods. I’m afraid of failing and afraid I will end up an invalid. So, trust me when I say I understand how you are feeling. I’d like to give you a hug and let you know you are valuable and you have made an impact on me tonight. Please hang in there, things will turn around. I promise you they will.
Lol feels nice to be a part of the net’s eeyore club.
To keep it short, I hate myself more than I like others, which prevents my life, relationships, and endeavours from remaining stable, if that makes sense. If only I could get this monkey off my back!
Is anyone even reading this? There is so much pain here.
I can’t keep getting up in the morning. I’m just so tired. I keep trying but the pain doesn’t go away; it ebbs temporarily and then the medicine stops working and I’m back where I started.
These are all great pieces of advice but sometimes they don’t work or we can’t do them. Exercise, I do that every day. Sex, my husband doesn’t want me. (I wouldn’t want me either; my depression sucks the air out of the room. I have no doubt it’s what’s killed his desire for me.)
There are times it just doesn’t seem worth it to keep going. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, except when you’re 52 and you’ve had the problem since you were 11, that’s a hell of a long-lived temporary problem.
Hello Katy. I am 55. I know exactly what you are feeling. My depression began very young too. And all this advice on how to combat it can only be of use if you are in that place already. I cannot get out of bed. Once a week I get dressed to go to a mental health group. My care workers hate me because I am so negative. I get asked the same questions over and over, but they don’t like the answers.
Their job is to support those with mental health problems, but then are surprised when they actually encounter a depressive. There are so many people with depression, and who are suicidal, but never ones I can befriend as they are trapped in their own world. I would without hesitation love and accept a depressive or suicidal partner, but I think women find that easier, and I am sorry your husband finds your depression hard to deal with.
I’m rambling I know. I wanted to say that yes, I have read what you have written and feel for us all. I’ve got to the stage where even the things I write have no life. Someone mentioned there should be a centre where we can go that offers euthanasia. There should be. It is cruel to expect people to live when all hope has seeped away.
I don’t know why I write or leave comments. I always look back and think I am a complete idiot and should have put myself across better, but my spark is almost gone and I hate that I can’t get it back. Love to you.
I would love to think back on my depression and suicidal thoughts one day as a ‘bump in the road’. But it’s one hell of a bump in the road – if you’ve been depressed and suicidal for 32 of your 48 years on this earth. Bipolar, social anxiety, agoraphobia, severe depression and several daily panic attacks. Medicated up the ying yang, therapy over the past 10 years, nothing has, or will ever, help.
I hate my life and I wish I could go into a long sleep and never get up. There is nothing left for me to live for. I hate my job, I am not close to my family (only my sister but she has her own full social life with lots of friends) and I don’t have the kind of friends that really care except when they want me to be their sounding board. They have an army of other friend’s that they like to spend time with and socialise with – none of them come to visit. They would rather visit friends (I moved and do not live close to them) that live in other parts of the country, which sometimes are close to my location but they can’t be bothered.
I am everybody’s counselor, always helping people but when I need a sounding board no one is there. I have to pretend I am happy as other people do not want to hear about your unhappiness. Everyday is the same (off work sick at the moment), same four walls and the only interaction that I have is with the staff at the local supermarket. Holidays, weekends and seasons go by and I am usually sat home with nothing to do. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry myself to sleep wishing for the loneliness and nightmare life to end. I used to like my own company, but loneliness is different and not by choice.
I have no money to go out and there is not much going on in the provincial style town (I am a city girl but got coaxed to moving by ex) that I live in. The closest I got to having a best friend was with my ex-boyfriend who I was with for 9 years and he left me brokenhearted 4 years ago. I moved countries twice to be with him, helped him build his career, etc and put my own needs aside – my own fault I know but I genuinely loved him. Once he got on his feet, he left and offered to be my friend after.
I sometimes feel that he did this to make himself feel better as he never wants to be disliked by anyone. He is good at playing the victim and always comes out smelling of roses. I accepted his friendship as I had no one else and the times we did actually spend together doing things was nice – in the relationship he only wanted to do things together with his friends or everything had to revolve around his interests and I would go along to make him happy. We rarely did things that I was interested in. We have been trying to be friends but it is hard as he was the one that came off better whilst I had start again from scratch to re-build my life.
Every time we have a dispute, he does not like to discuss things like normal adults and has always dealt with things using the passive aggressive approach and when the going gets tough he leaves me again and every time we fall out it is like another break-up. The problem is I do not have my own life (I used to be the one with the life) and I have been depressed since the break-up and sometimes when we meet up I am not always in a happy frame of mind and he doesn’t want to hear about the unhappiness in my life, only the good. I am then back at square one with no friends to support me.
I know it is not an ideal situation as you can never truly be friends with someone that you may still have some resentment towards but it is the only opportunity I get to go out every now and again and switch off from the unhappiness in my life. Admittedly he is good company and the ‘friendship’ is strictly platonic. Before I met my ex I was fun, health conscious, attractive, sociable and was never at home. I used to love going out and doing things, even if it meant going on my own and I would usually meet people anyway.
Since the break-up I have never been the same – I have lost the motivation for anything, all my dreams and ambitions down the drain. Every now and then something positive will happen but it is usually short lived. My health has suffered – hair falling out, skin and weight gain. I used to be really healthy – run, eating wholesome vegan style diet. I adopted his junk food lifestyle towards the end of the relationship which has continued. I used to love dressing up in nice clothes and none of them even fit – I hate looking at my reflection.
I have become bitter and negative and accepted that I will probably be alone as I no longer believe in love. I never had a best friend to take me out and help me drown my sorrows or got a chance to move house, new haircut (cliche) or just do something that would mark the transition. I am still stuck in the same rut 4 years on even though I have tried various things to improve the situation. I can no longer go on living an empty life like this. I am so unhappy, have no money, nice friends to do things with, terrible job and I hate the way I look now.
I have a landmark birthday next year and have nothing to show for my sorry existence – I never imagined my life would turn out like this. There were so many things that I wanted to do, I have nothing and I don’t even have a child to show for my long term relationship. All the so-called friends that I have at least have been married and have children etc, even if their relationship did not work out or have great careers. I was once the one with the great life.
I feel so on the edge, I have lined up the cocktail of painkillers on numerous occasions but not had the strength to even go through with it as deep down I do not want to die in this town and property with the annoying neighbors, that I hate so much and has made me so unhappy for so long. I talk myself out of it by thinking about all the things that I would need to do before going e.g. tidy the house (sell old clothes, unpack boxes from move 5 years ago – it is a mess by my standards but no one visits so I can’t be bothered), lose some weight so I can at least go out in style.
Ironically these are the things that I find it hard to motivate myself to do. I too have wished to be stricken by some life threatening disease, that would make it easier to go and at least the people around you are more likely to care ironically. Maybe there is a part of me that wants to live and just be loved, be appreciated and valued by those that supposedly care. I just wish something good would happen for once!
Hi Lonely, I understand everything you said in your post. I also have no friends; the one person I finally had to confide in (my ex boyfriend) treated me like I had the plague when I told him how depressed I was. This made things even worse because I had to really dig deep to tell him in the first place. I poured my heart, presented my pain on a silver platter, and he turned his back, not offering one word of solace. All I wanted was a hug and to have someone show me a hint of compassion.
One thing that struck me was that you desire to have a terminal disease. Yes, I would wish this as well because it makes people rally to your side and you can feel some empathy for a change. I’ve been nonstop on the suicide forums searching for methods, then ultimately finding a potential flaw with the method. Nothing is foolproof except jumping and I cannot do that. I came across some disturbing facts that hospital personnel despise and detest suicide survivors.
I cannot take the pain of waking up after an attempt and not waking up to anyone being happy I was still alive, but waking up to people who hate me because I had emotional pain. I don’t know where to go with this post, not sure what I wanted to say except I am fifty and understand how you feel. I don’t see myself growing old(er). I’m going to try to have a good day tomorrow but I also struggle with getting out of bed each day. I have a dog and go to great lengths to meet his daily needs while neglecting my own. I wish you peace. Thank you for sharing your feelings here with me.
Well I read it. Still hasn’t changed my mind. I’m going to do it it’s just the question and the best, most efficient, least painful way. What could possible change my mind? Haha. Society is such a joke. What would be the point in living and contributing to this shit planet? I love people I really do. Deep down inside.
But I just can’t take it anymore. And there is nothing I can do to change anything. I’m powerless and though I live in what is claimed to be a “free and democratic society” I feel like I am living in a prison and the only real escape is death. God speed everyone. If there is another side, maybe I’ll see you there.
Gonna try this. I’ve been depressed for 2 years of my life and it really sucks. I read this and it made me feel motivated. You only live once, why be sad? Make the best out of every situation.
It just comes and goes. I’ve spent the last year and a half running most days. It works until it doesn’t work. Sticking in there doesn’t change the situation. I don’t like admitting how frequently I think about ending it. I’m worried that in the process of getting help, it makes things worse (people watching you like a hawk, implications at work). I can’t expect to take time off work without being blackballed. I’m still recovering work wise from doing a rehab stint.
And what the f*ck am I complaining about anyway. I have health and healthy kids that love me. I don’t drink, take antidepressants, exercise like mad. The thoughts keep floating through my head. My kids will grow up, I’ll still be in bad shape financially. I can’t change it, I’ll never be able to own even a sh*tty condo. I tried making fitness and running a marathon my hobby/goal. I’ve got to be the most ungrateful a-hole ever for feeling this way. Why won’t it stop?
Just imagine not having to wake up every morning. Imagine not having to deal with stress, money problems, drama, school/work, and just life in general. I hate emotions they’re taking over my life. I feel like no one cares about me. I will do my absolute best to make someone happy. Even give them all my money if it makes them happy. The thing is they can’t return the favor and make me happy. Instead they ignore me and disrespect me after everything I’ve done for them. No one makes sense. Everyone has something off about them. Pathological liars, bipolar disorder, homosexual, etc. people are just going to judge you and make you miserable and the only way to deal with it all is to not deal with it. Take all that weight off your shoulders before you collapse. It’s the only way out of everything.
I have been suffering from an illness that could take my life at any moment but never does, though it has cost me a job, a wedding ceremony, and thousands of dollars. It is a clotting condition, and my medication doesn’t seem to work properly. I can’t focus at work or in my relationship, for fear that I will be struck down at any moment by a cerebral thrombosis or a pulmonary embolism (I’ve had both). The thought obsesses me from morning to night.
My GF doesn’t understand my anxiety and tells me that I complain too much. I have doubts about the relationship. Deep doubts. I feel she loves the idea of marriage, but doesn’t care about me as a specific human being. I know this illness and my fears have been overwhelming, but I wish she would step up more. I live overseas in a country very different from my own. I am often getting bad news from doctors in a language I don’t understand.
I spent Saturday night in the emergency room. The anxiety is killing me, but tonight I smiled because I’m feeling such dread about a life, that I don’t enjoy very much anyway, being taken away from me. I wish things would get much worse or much better.
The pain goes away for most people, you will feel happy again. Everything has its season, you are in winter now, but spring will come, (I hope metaphors are cool :-). This page is about doing small things to improve your situation. Most of what I read is people depressed about their situation and will pass, you just have to tough it out, figure out what you don’t like in your life and start changing it. You do have to fight to get better.
I have chronic depression, it doesn’t go away and I don’t feel better. I hope somebody understands how it feels. I look back and I have 3 moments of feeling happy to be alive, only three, otherwise I live in a cloud of sadness… I’ve lost all hope to get better anymore, but it is my duty as a mother to be around for my children.
I write this as I sit on the roof of a 10 story building with nothing stopping me from going over the edge except the thought that I could possibly survive as a quadriplegic. I am a 32 year old veteran, I hate my job. my wife is a sour b*tch who sucks all the joy out of life. I have an autistic son who I love, but will never be able to relate to on any real level. What is there to stop me other than failure?
I hope you’re still here Matt. I live with a woman that’s a life sucker. I have an autistic grandson who is the love of my life. You served your country, in whatever capacity. Be proud. I thank you. What do you need to be happier? People seem to be so willing to tell us to; take a walk, or get medicated, etc. Nobody ever asks what I need. Most people don’t care. I hope you find someone that cares. I’ll keep searching too. Good luck.
My wife has just left me, to go find herself. My niece’s murder trial is going on right now, my father has told me he wants to kill himself, I have no money, no job and I just turned 30. Oh and did I mention I’m in freaking Thailand!!! I feel so alone, and so afraid. All I want to do is take all of my sleeping pills and just go to sleep forever, just to make the pain stop!!! It just hurts sooo much right now I don’t know how much more I can take!!! Please somebody HELP ME! :(
Tyler. What you need to do: Write a novel using your life as the plot. Make the ending something great where the main character (you) wins awesomely. Do it do it do it. Stop whining. You got yourself an awesome story there already. Make the ending a good one. Post here when you get it done and I will buy a copy. Do it.
I would love to find some hope…I live for everyone else…I don’t enjoy life. I do everything right, no debt, decent home boyfriend who loves me, good kids. The issue is I don’t feel happy, I feel empty and dead inside. This isn’t new, I’ve wanted to die since before I was 12…I’m 38 now. I don’t attempt suicide anymore, I have been giving a full effort to beat the depression…it doesn’t go away…ever. I have mild depression constantly, with episodes of major depression to keep it interesting. I hate feeling like I do…I wish this life was over. For me life is a prison, I can’t escape. I dream about the day when no one will care and I can kill myself.
I understand, you’re not alone in your pain. I to just want it to be over with, I don’t get why people think that living is so amazing, all it does is hurt. I don’t know who you are but I love you and I hope that one day we will understand why everybody else is happy and we are not. Please stay strong!!!
It sucks that life sometimes sucks.
The article is great. But at the end of the day if I really want to kill myself, I will do so. No one is going to prevent me from doing it. I feel so lonely at times. My wife is dumb – she thinks I am joking when I tell her I need help.
All I want is for the pain to stop. Was regularly sexually abused by older boys from 7-years. Now that I’m off cocaine and alcohol, I can’t bare the pain of the PTSD and flashbacks. Its become a physical and emotional pain worse than when my sister died suddenly. My wife divorced me because I kept a childhood full of rape and physical abuse a secret, thinking that’s what you’re supposed to do.
I went from being at the top of the world, to being walked out of my house by surprise attack from sheriffs. She took my children away from me, and I was closer to them than to myself. No one wants to be around me. I’ve not been out socially in 7-years. Not even once. If there were ever a candidate for a selfie, its me. So what’s better; stepping in front of a speeding 18-wheeler, or going back to mega doses of cocaine and alcohol? Cuz they are the only choices.