If you are suicidal and thinking “I Want To Die” or “I Want to Kill Myself,” the most important thing is that you get help for yourself. If you cannot find help, this article should help guide you in the right direction. In order to get better, you need to reach out for help. Being suicidal can feel like an everlasting trap and you may start believing that no matter what you do, what you try, or however much will power you put forth, you will never get better. Although most people have different stories leading them to feel like killing themselves, the one thing that suicidal individuals have in common is that they want to die, but deep down, if they could get rid of the emotional pain, they would like to live a fulfilling life.
I Want To Die / Kill Myself: Coping With Suicidal Thoughts
When you are suicidal, I have found that three aspects of intervention are absolutely necessary to facilitate a full recovery. These three aspects include: social support, distraction, and professional help. Although it is imperative that you get some sort of professional help, you cannot be with professionals 24 hours a day 7 days a week. In the times when you feel most alone, you need at least one person who will listen to you talk, and even if they cannot provide good advice or a solution, be supportive and allow you to vent.
Additionally, when you don’t have anyone to talk to and are alone, I’ve found that distraction is necessary. If you don’t distract yourself, you may end up moping in a room all day by yourself and feel even worse that you didn’t do anything by the time the day is over. I’ve divided this up three ways into things that you should do if you are suicidal.
Social support:
1. Call family – If you are lucky enough to have supportive family members, give them a call and tell them what is going on. Chances are good that you know someone (at least one person) who you can talk to about how you feel. If you cannot call them, at least text them and tell them what’s up.
2. Call a friend – If you don’t have any family that you can talk to about how you feel, hopefully you have at least one friend you can vent with. If you have no friends or don’t feel comfortable talking about your feelings with them, there are still other options.
3. Call 911 – One way of getting some very good support for the way you are feeling is by calling 911 and explaining to them how you feel. When you call 911, a police officer will talk to you about how you are feeling and help you get to the bottom of the situation. If you do call 911, just know that you have nothing to be afraid of – the police are well trained and will help talk to you about what you can do to feel better. They may make you visit the hospital and get a professional mental health assessment, so keep this in mind should you decide to call 911.
4. Online forums – There are plenty of great online forums on which you can post anonymously and explain your situation. Many people on these forums are going through similar things and share your feelings of wanting to die and depression. One post will likely get you a ton of different feedback from people who have managed to live through their own suicidal days and create a fulfilling life.
Examples of forums include:
- PsychCentral.com
- PsychForums.com
- DepressionForums.org
I have listed them in the order that I recommend. I have given them all a shot and due to the sheer number of people signed up at PsychCentral, you are likely to get a lot of responses in a short period of time. Additionally, there are some extremely helpful souls at the PsychForums. Posting in forums anonymously is better than sitting in a room moping to yourself and holding in all your emotional pain. Share it with the world and let everyone know what you are going through. Someone may end up giving you some great advice or telling you exactly what you need to hear to push through another day.
5. Talklife App (iPhone / iPod / iPad) – A very cool app out to help those who are suicidal and struggling with their feelings is the Talklife app – available for free for iPhone, iPod, and iPad devices. I’m not sure if they are going to make one for Android platforms, but this is truly a gem with a lot of supportive people. You can help others by posting responses, get help by sharing your story and waiting for responses, and also come to learn that other individuals are going through tough times just like you. This is an awesome app if you utilize it correctly.
6. Suicide hotline – There are plenty of free suicide prevention hotlines that you can call anonymously to talk about how you feel if you are feeling suicidal. One example is that of the Samaritans. These are people that are waiting to talk to suicidal individuals and get them some help. At the very least, these anonymous people on the phone can be some sort of social support if you have none at the moment. Talking to a complete stranger is better than talking to no person at all.
7. Create a “life” contract – One good method for preventing suicide is to write up a contract saying that you will not kill yourself. You must share it with your therapist, psychologist, family or all of the above and sign it. This is essentially a promise that you vow to keep that you will not commit suicide. Surprisingly enough, these are pretty darn effective at preventing people from ending their life.
Distraction:
1. Exercise – One of the best distractions from your emotional pain of feeling suicidal is exercise. When you force yourself to work out, you are essentially becoming stronger and healthier. Additionally, in some cases, exercise provides a very quick antidepressant effect. Perhaps the most effective way to feel good is to go for a run – make yourself run at least a few miles. By running a few miles, you will stimulate the production of endorphins (natural feel good chemicals) in your body.
Whether you decide to go for a run, lift weights, do push ups, do pull ups, etc. Some sort of exercise can keep you distracted. Work your body until you are so tired that you think about getting some good sleep instead of suicide. Putting in your headphones, getting some fresh air, and going for a run outside is one of the best feelings in the world – no matter how terrible you currently feel.
2. Read (uplifting book or article) – If you are feeling like ending it all, some uplifting, inspirational reading material can really work wonders for your mind. If you read something positive or inspirational in regards to any aspect of life, it will help you feel better about your situation. Reading is a great distraction because no matter what you read, you are forced to focus on what you are reading instead of the suicidal thoughts cycling through your head. I know it may be difficult to read and stay focused, but having some good reading material handy can help you make it through another day. There are some great personal development websites (i.e. Steve Pavlina), books, and audio tapes (i.e. Tony Robbins) that may help you improve your situation by giving you a more positive perspective on life.
3. TV – If there is a good show on TV, or anything that you like to watch – sometimes simply watching TV can help distract you from your suicidal thinking. Whether it’s a sporting event, comedy, or just a show that you’ve always liked, it may be really helpful to force yourself to watch it if you feel like killing yourself. TV can sometimes be inspirational, funny, but most of all, a good distraction from the way that you are feeling.
4. Journal – For certain individuals, one of the best ways to get out their suicidal emotion is by journaling. Write down how you feel and then write down some ways in which you think you can overcome the feeling. Writing it down and analyzing how you feel helps you become more aware and conscious of yourself and your life. You can learn a lot about yourself by journaling and if you have nobody to vent to, at least getting your suicidal feelings documented will help.
5. Movies – Movies are a great distraction when you are feeling suicidal and distressed. When I was at my most suicidal I watched the entire James Bond series and rented one new release every night until I had seen them all. I think that comedy type movies tend to be most beneficial for those who are suicidal. I would recommend staying away from dramas and movies with a lot of sadness because they may make you feel even worse. Stick to something upbeat and who knows, by the end of it, you may feel pretty good.
6. Fresh air – Get outside, go for a walk, breathe some fresh air and enjoy the outdoors. There is nothing better than getting outside in nature if you feel suicidal. Getting away from all the hustle and bustle and going for a walk to clear your head is one of the best feelings in the world. If it helps, take music, or an inspirational tape with for some sort of mental boost. If you have a dog, take the dog for a walk and just enjoy being outside and feeling free. Even if you feel terribly suicidal, the fact that you are moving and doing something is a positive step.
7. Play a game – There are many types of games you could play including: board games, sports, Nintendo, Xbox, poker, etc. Pick a game that you like and play it. There are computer games, board games, card games, and tons of options. You could even play chess or checkers or try to learn a new game. When you feel suicidal, you can use this game as a distraction to help you cope with your feeling.
8. Food – Treat yourself to some good, healthy, food and see if it helps. If you have been eating too much, or unhealthy as a result of your depression, you may want to stay away from this item on the list. However, if you are suicidal, eating something good may provide you with at least some sort of temporary satisfaction. If you have enough money, order a good meal and enjoy the fact that you get something delicious to eat. Although this may not take away your suicidal feelings, it will help keep you distracted.
9. Sex – If you have a significant other to have some sexual fun with, this can really help improve mood. It helps increase the production of dopamine in the brain and sex is generally considered beneficial for mental functioning. The same effect and level of satisfaction is not typically achieved via masturbation. If you have a partner that you can have sex with (and your sex drive is not nonexistent due to the depression), you may want to have some fun – it could be a good temporary distraction from your suicidal feelings.
10. Clean your room – One of the best things you can do for yourself to stay distracted is to stay productive. Acknowledge that you feel suicidal, but make yourself do something to improve your living situation. Something simple that you can do is clean your room. Make your bed, pick up your clothes, do some laundry, vacuum, dust, organize, etc. Having a cleaner room and the sense of accomplishment you’ll get may distract you from how crappy you feel.
11. Art – Many people that have depression or are suicidal are great at drawing and creating artwork that helps express how they feel. Although dwelling on your emotion to create art may be painful, the act of creating artwork can help you get all of your feelings out and share them with the world. Additionally, if you are very musically inclined, you may want to write a song or play an instrument to help keep yourself distracted.
Professional help:
1. Psychotherapist – There are some great psychotherapists out there that may be just as smart and equally as equipped to help suicidal individuals as psychologists. The great thing about psychotherapists is that you can talk to them, they listen to what you have to say, and they come up with some solutions to help get you back on the right track mentally. If you are feeling suicidal, they will help you determine what is causing you to feel so down in the dumps and then come up with a plan to help you correct the situation.
2. Psychologist – There are some great psychologists that genuinely want to help people who are suicidal turn things around and make a full recovery. Psychologists are highly trained individuals that know how to help people struggling with thoughts of suicide and depression. Additionally many will help you come up with solutions for overcoming depression, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and can recommend various treatments depending on what is causing you to feel suicidal.
3. Psychiatrist – If you are suicidal all the time and don’t know what to do, somewhere along the line you will want to visit a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist will likely diagnose you with depression and give you some medication to try to help you overcome your depression. Although medications can be a pain in the butt to deal with, they do help a lot of people get through rough patches. If you feel suicidal all the time, every day, and don’t know what to do, a psychiatrist will prescribe you a medication that will produce some chemicals to make you feel better about yourself. Most people who commit suicide do not realize that there are tons of different treatment options available and that one medication could turn their entire life around and change their entire reality: from extreme despair and sadness to happiness within weeks.
Life is Temporary: Death Is Permanent
Just know that there is always hope for your future. Science is advancing at such a quick rate that there could be a cure tomorrow for whatever ails you. If you have a mental disorder, there may be an amazing new treatment that you don’t even know about. The key is getting yourself in touch with the right people for help. Wanting to die and/or kill yourself are not solutions to the problem at hand. The problem is that you are suffering. You need to take a look at yourself from the inside out and work towards making positive changes. Find one area of your life to improve so that you feel less depressed tomorrow.
If you have done everything on this list you should feel better and continue to improve your situation. Keep showing up, keep putting forth effort, keep trying, and eventually you will get better. It may not be overnight, it may not be in a week, a month, or a year, but when you figure out what works, you will be happy that you stuck around to enjoy life. You will look back at the time when you were suicidal as a mere “bump in the road” on the path to becoming the strongest version of yourself. If you can make it through this tough time, you can make it through anything. Choose to live.
I want to die. The past 5 years have been unbearable. My mom died. Then my dad died. I lived with him and I had to watch him disintegrate. I reunited with an old flame and moved into his house in another county, away from my friends. I relapsed with him after being clean for 17 years. Our relationship got abusive. I got arrested. I ran. I was homeless for nearly a year until my father’s house sold. I came back. I moved back in with the same guy again!
I went to jail. Then again, and yet again within the week. My boyfriend (and our roommate) finally got sick of my shenanigans yard making me leave and threatening to just throw my stuff outside in the street if I take too long to do it. I have nowhere to go. I have not a penny (literally) to my name, since my BF has been helping himself to my inheritance for years now. My only daughter won’t have anything to do with me. I can’t stop using. I can’t see any of this getting better, ever.
I want to kill myself so badly that I cry because I don’t know how to do it. Or at least how to do it soon enough. I don’t even recognize myself as the woman I used to be. I had a career, a husband, a home, a beautiful child. Money, friends, cute clothes. Interests, passions. A soul. Now I have nothing. And no one cares. Last night I called a helpline and the woman was so obviously anxious to get me off the phone it made me cry even harder. Who are these people who volunteer to help keep people from suicide and then have no compassion whatsoever? They all want to collect demographic statistics.
I lost my house car and job too. Then developed painful condition requiring painful surgery. Can’t work, no money, husband working but we don’t have enough. Stepdaughter cut me out of her life. Lots of self-loathing, depression, tears, can’t sleep. On meds for 6 weeks or more but I feel worse.
I care!! We shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of pain alone, I have to keep myself in constant check, to not just throw myself in front of a bus or take all of my pills at once, it’s exhausting!! But we have to just keep moving forward and keep breathing, right?
Every time I read articles, seek help, talk to people, etc. it is all good advice and I know they mean well but when you’re a stay at home parent of children it’s not that simple to go out and take a walk. Go for a drive, have a tea, go shopping, breathing exercises, etc. I can’t do any of that crap! I don’t get any alone time! I can’t even cry alone! Or go to the bathroom alone! I’m on auto pilot with my kids, I make sure they’re fed, bathed, etc. but I have no joy, I can’t smile at them.
I’m useless. Then when my spouse comes home, ugh, I go to work. I’m exhausted. I’m sad. I have no friends or family here, no one gives a sh#t. Why bother? I’m screwing up my kids, they deserve better anyway. What’s the point? I used to be happy, outgoing, in great shape, the life of the party, then I had kids with an emotionless brick wall and became this fat, useless, stupid, headcase with anxiety and depression. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. I ask again, what’s the point?
I feel like taking my life right now. I am 27. I have made a lot of financial mistakes that have made me lose all I have worked for. I wake up everyday regretting. I cant forgive myself. Please help me.
They all say I can’t do it. It’s been drilled into my mind so much now that I actually believe it. Maybe they’re right. I can’t do it. I can’t do it so why should I even try? Why should I bother doing something that I can’t do. Just an absolute waste of time. Like my life. If I can’t do it then maybe I can’t even ‘do’ life. If i can’t even do it then what contribution am I making for them. Nothing.
There’s nothing I can do for them to care about. There’s nothing for them to care about for me to do. They say I can’t. There’s nothing saying that I can either which means that I can’t. I can’t actually do it. So why continue putting in effort when the end product will just show me that I can’t do it. Why face reality when reality holds no future for me. No place.
I’m just a nothing who is probably even bad at doing nothing. The product of me doing nothing is even worse than nothing itself. It’s failure. A word used commonly to describe my future. If they think that then what makes me think different. Why should I think different? If they’re so sure I can’t do it then they’re probably right. I CAN’T DO IT. So then there’s only one way to prove that I actually CAN DO IT. Watch me do it.
The end product won’t be failure. It will just be nothing. The nothing I will do will match my contribution of doing nothing. Doing nothing to end nothing and make nothing live forever. I am nothing. So I will be nothing. If I can’t do it, then I won’t do it, and I will end myself as nothing. Goodbye.
I figured I’d add my situation since everyone is sharing theirs. I’m 32, divorced, Marine corps vet (network tech), unemployed as of Feb 2015. I have no kids, no relationship, and no friends. I have bad social anxiety that’s only been amplified by my addiction to inhalants (amyl butyl nitrates) and porn. I’ve learned 2 ways I can end myself cheaply and painlessly.
Thanks man. It is a good article . It can save lives. Most of the people are getting frustrated and taking this step for small reasons. But my case is different. I made my own life hell with one wrong decision. I left everyone and selected the one who doesn’t care about me. Now I can’t come out also. I’ll have to die if I wanna come out of it. That is only thing I can do. Will pray for all of you commented here. Your problem will be solved soon. Try as much as you can.
I can relate to you in a small sense. The primary reason for my strong suicidal tendencies is all due to a stupid mistake I made in my life, that impacted my severely, and changed every aspect of my life. Something I cannot forgive myself for, no matter how hard I try.
I like your article :). I found it while reading your other article, “15 Common Causes Of Suicide: Why Do People Kill Themselves?”. Right now, the phrase “I want to kill myself” kept popping in my head… after reading your article, I think I found a small light of hope and avoid suicide. I know my words meant nothing but I just want to say thank you. Thank you for going through the effort of writing articles like this.
I’m the tour manager for the band Green Day. I travel, make great money, and still I’m depressed… I want to love and be loved by someone who doesn’t want me for my job…
Rich, I hope things are better. I am an older white female living in the Deep South. My husband became Depressed after a heart surgery. We had been married for 35 years. It was good and he is a good man. That illness was terrible. I could not tell him how much I loved him. That I cared for him. Because the Depression did not let that in.
By now we have been married 43 years. Things are a little better. Try to eat as much good fresh foods as you can. While stuck on that bus read about vitamins, supplements and whole food nutrition. It’s slow bcse nothing natural is fast. There are a lot of lonely girls who would love to know you.
Sex is GREAT. But try to get to know who someone is. Touring that’s hard to do. Who you know is an influence on your whole being. Try to be with people you would like to become. You can change it is slow. None of us is a natural at changing ourselves inside. We resists that even if we are unhappy. I am 65 and still I’m changing and learning. Love and blessings to all of you.
Hang in there…you will be happy sooner than you think.
I have no friends, no social life. I’m just 20 and suffering from a disease which has changed my looks. I don’t go out because of it. I don’t meet people. I’m really sad. No one is there to help me out. My parents don’t understand me. I’m just so depressed. I feel like dying.
I’m never happy, sometimes just less sad. My boyfriend whom I planned on marrying cheated on me out of the blue and now won’t explain himself to me. I’m devastated and no one understands, and even if they do I don’t want to have to deal with this pain. There’s nothing that will bring him back to me, back to that way we used to be and that’s all I want.
All I used to live for and now that it’s gone I feel so useless and I miss him more than anything. I’m 100% in love with him and he couldn’t care less. And it’s the worst feeling in the world. I have nothing else in my life that matters, I don’t matter and I’m just done, there’s nothing else to say other than it doesn’t matter, and I’m so tired of being so sad and nothing helps.
I feel your pain. I know how it feels. You sound like you have a lot to deal with. You deserve better than a guy that cheats. You deserve a man that is 100% in love with you. I bet you are a wonderful person.
I know how you feel. I don’t pray but, I will think of you. I hope you can feel my strength, Redneck. Let’s try to make it to tomorrow together.
I just want to end it all I feel sad all the time and might kill myself soon. I try to put it in God’s hands but still have thoughts of killing myself. Please pray for me ya’ll.
I hate life. I’m alone, no kids, no friends, no family, awful job. I’ve always been told how worthless I am and how I should just kill myself because no gives a f*ck. In every relationship I’ve been in I’m nothing but the punching bag and a screw. All of them have dumped me any then their in another relationship right after and get married. I have no friends to hang out with. I’ve been nothing but nice and kind to people. I show respect even if I don’t get it back. I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up.
I wish I could die too. My life has no meaning. Everyday I struggle just not to kill myself. I can’t take it anymore.
Me too!
Hi everyone, I’m French so please don’t be surprised If a make some mistakes. First of all I wanted to say how similar I am to you all. Depression is a pain in the a… And it feels, of course, like it’s never going to end. So thanks, and I do mean it, for this article above. The other day, after reading it, I took some fresh air and went shopping some fresh stuff for me. May sound stupid, but it made me feel, unexpectedly, important to myself.
Well, mental suffering still here but hey, been sad for ages, I know I’ll overcome. Once again, before it all starts again. Second, and this is the real point, I wanted to report that French sites alike are just crap. Here I read honest, genuine people, and smart things, no matter what we all think of ourselves. And this feels reaaally good. I wish you all, and to me, recovering. -Frank
I came across your article as I was wishing how I wanted to end my life. I have been carrying burden of caring for a feckless husband and a divorced parent (who ironically became my dependent since divorce with my other parent). It has been a very difficult and challenging journey. I don’t understand why I am burdened with life. I feel so tired of even trying. Why live something I no longer want to live in? I feel like my whole joy was sucked out of my life as soon as I became a sole breadwinner for two entitled lazy and thankless dead-weights. Still I have no one else in my life.
This comment probably won’t help you much, but I think it’s really awesome that you used the word “feckless.” That’s not a word you hear every day. I hope you leave your husband to care for your parent, get in your car, and drive all the way to the California coast or Mexico or from wherever you are to wherever you want to go. Free yourself this way, not the other way. Good luck.
I feel horrible, like this couldn’t get any worse! I don’t wanna communicate with my family anymore. they don’t understand anything. I am a good student at school but it’s worthless to my parents they always act like they know everything I am the oldest one so whatever they try is an experiment on me! They are learning everything on me they need to understand a little man!
They took my phone away so many times like this doesn’t make any sense to me… They need to come up with a better way! I just need my family’s support because you know sometimes things get really hard at school since I am not the most liked girl! I just cry all day now! bye I am killing myself guys. I already cut myself every other day.
Don’t do it. Live life man. Forever is too long and hell is too hot. Don’t let people not liking you stop you from living.
Hello, I’m 34, living alone in California and on the outside I am a successful, very intelligent, capable individual with movie star good looks. Sounds like I should be happy right? Well unfortunately the answer is no. I have a secret sex addiction that is slowly taking the joy out of my life to the point where I feel numb… I’m isolated and spend most of my free time on online dating sites trying to meet woman for sex, and occasionally do. I’m such a disappointment to myself. I just need people to pray for me, I need a miracle to turn my life around. Thank you.
I try so desperately to do the right thing and love those around me and not cause pain but somehow I always end up hating everybody and just wanting to kill myself. The only persons I can honestly say who want to see me do good and who actually love me are my parents. Everybody else is just too damn selfish to care even if I desperately try to love them.
And then there are those who I swear are just out to cause me pain. They say and do the most hurtful things to cause me pain. I wish there was a god that listened to my prayers because maybe he could send and angel down to save me. I’m so sick and tired of this life I am stuck with I cant even be happy about the most important things in my life because somebody always comes around to ruin it.
I’m not a weak person but I rather hurt myself than somebody else. I cant even cry anymore because it doesn’t help. I cant sleep and I’m tired. I just want to die so I can sleep forever maybe Ill finally get some peace for a change its the closest thing to being happy I can get thus far…I never in my life once thought I’d ever feel this way but I do I am 27 yeas old and I want to die I want to kill myself.
SOME DAYS I hope I go to bed, and I won’t wake up in the morning. My body is a prison that I have wished to be free from since I was a child. My body is my jail cell that I can’t escape from, when all I wish is to be free from all of this pain emotionally and physically, free from this earth and it’s trivial purpose of going through life hoping to have some good days, when the majority are bad and then ultimately we all die anyway.
So what’s the point?! Hope that tomorrow will be better, when in reality it will be pretty much like the day before. At what point does that hope run out and you wake up and say, “alright, today’s the day I am going to do it because I am sick of the pain, routine, and banality of living, going through the motions but not really seeing or caring about them or the people in it.”
Life is a f*cking joke, a jest that I no longer understand nor want to participate in. I am a free spirit at heart and was never meant to be confined to a physical body. I wish to be free without a thought of consequence for those who still believe the physical world is the right one to live in where as the spiritual world is where we should all be. I dream of escaping my body every day, yet here I still stand, hoping, that it could possibly get better.
So true and well said. Too tired of it all to even say more.
I don’t even have the energy to say I want to die. After four years of crippling pain in my legs and feet. I just don’t want to do it any more. I can understand if I didn’t try EVERYTHING humanly possible on every level to make this better then it would be my fault. I have hundreds of doctors, therapists, naturopaths etc. I’m tired. I can’t do this physical pain any more. It’s cruel and punishing.
Gloria, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS! STAY STRONG. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT STILL BELIEVE IN YOU. LIVE.
I find it very difficult to find happiness in anything. I am a believer in Christ yet I still find it very hard to find a positive in anything. I’m just a small useless person in this huge meaningless world. I want a way out but at the same time I would like to know what the future holds. I wish I could just sleep forever, but observe the things around me all at the same time (stupid, right?). I’m still young, very young even, and I’m feeling this way? It’s sad really. I feel trapped. I don’t see anything to look forward to. We all die eventually regardless of whether we go to Heaven or Hell. Everyone dies. This life is pointless really. I just want to have meaning. I send out my love to everyone else feeling this way because it honestly just sucks.
I’m 12 years old. I want to kill myself. My parents (or my dad at least) is saying ‘grow up’ and I don’t know about my mom… I feel so alone.
Please stay strong. You have a lot of life left and you can’t judge how it will be in the future just by your “relatively” short time on earth.
I understand. When I was in the 4th grade I wanted to die as well. Here I am now. First year in college (13th grade I guess). It sucks. But think of all the stuff you’ll miss if you die. That’s what keeps me going. I never thought those scooter boards would be here but wow… Anyways… It’s best to just keep swiming. I know it sucks. Sometimes it sucks less but it sucks now. Just keep going. I believe in you.
sigh. depression fools us. it is real in our minds. if we could only get out of our own head… i do not know the answers. i, too, used to have no understanding of depression until i got it. somebody mentioned cancer. depression is a cancer of the soul. what do we do? it’s been almost 5 years now since i went down. i lost my career, friends, etc. but! i stick around. why? because it is f-king war. with ourselves.
tolstot wrote ‘the greatest warriors are TIME and PATIENCE.’ he went through a 5+ year depressive episode. i think he knew what he was writing about. so, i wait. i take a sh%t-load of klonopin when it gets bad. i look up suicide on the web too to cope. how i ended-up here. change is inevitable. even if we can’t see it, or believe it right now. that is the lie that depression makes us believe.
i’m alone. no wife or kids. a few real big regrets. but, even though it’s been 5 years i have still had moments of happiness and joy. not often. and, not like before i went down. i’m hoping that not just time and patience get me to a better place, but that new treatments will come. hang-in there. they are coming. i am moved by the suffering i have read in these posts. godspeed good health and peace in this life to us all.
You’re forgetting that depression is also a response to events which have or have not happened in our lives no matter what we have done. This is my “life situation.” It’s like what came first? My horrible life or my bipolar condition? Either way, both have existed for over 50 years. The feeling that suicide is the only way to relieve the pain is real for me – I am biding my time…
I’ve lived a pretty terrible life since birth. Alcoholic father and a gambling mother. I have been abused both mentally and physically and have tried to seek help. Cops would tell me there’s nothing I can do apparently I was just a horrible kid. I’ve tried a lot of things and I seem to come out of it for a short while however the thoughts always come back. My relationships always turn out badly with my partners usually cheating. I have no real friends.
Whenever I think I get someone to talk to I scare them away. I’m only 25. Im in good shape I’ve been told I look good people say I’m intelligent. None of that helps at all I still think the worst. I’m always looking at people that are happy and just wishing that I could be happy. Just recently my depression has hit so hard that I cry uncontrollably. I think about how much I dislike myself and how others don’t want to be around me. I can’t sleep anymore and eat almost nothing. It feels like there is nothing left in me. I figured maybe saying this here might help since nothing else is.
Its unfortunate that we are victims of our families and how much they contribute to our sense of self as we grow up. When we are young we are almost powerless and must tolerate our situation to the best of our ability. But now we are adults and we have choice, the choice to do and not do. We must choose to take care of ourselves and make EVERY effort to seek, find, and make our way to the other side of our feelings of dispair and isolation. We must not do what we so often think of doing.
Mathew I know exactly how you feel. No matter what I do or where I go I feel no happiness. How are you doing now?
I suspect this website represents what is actually happening in our society. So many people feeling so bad, each with their own complex and personal set of problems. As a recently retired professional I probably represent something else. Looking back on what I had thought to be a happy and successful life, I see mistakes, bad investments missed opportunities and poor judgement, which together could have secured a far better future for my children and my wife.
A loss of much of my retirement savings last year through bad financial advice, has left me ruminating over what should have happened. Yes I too have been through now numerous meds, psychiatrists and psychologists etc and spend almost every minute of every day thinking about suicide. I am unable to work now, poorly motivated, destroying my relationships with my family. And if I do take my life there will be huge financial consequences for my family.
I have a good pension and income and a supportive loving family, but am still tormented by these events. It sounds ridiculous when despite my losses that I still have so much and yet I seem intent on destruction. I don’t understand it and can’t change my guilty feelings. I am under pressure to accept etc, but am worried about the potential about the long term adverse effects.
I believe somehow, we all have to discover our own convincing purpose for living and after 2 years of trying I’m not convinced about the statements of depression being temporary, but learning to live with the unlivable and bear the unbearable, still holds true. Suicide is terrible. I am a strong person, but would much rather a physical illness than these terrible thoughts that torture me and I suspect will kill me. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.
Still here, but much more withdrawn, lazy, frightened to leave the house, spending days in bed, just to try and stay alive. This is no life and no psych interventions have helped. It is an awful problem.
Please please please Try your best.
I have tried several times to kill myself, a couple of attempts being half-hearted, and a couple of them very serious. I even took an overdose when I was 13 weeks pregnant. Thank God, I lived and so did my son. It was only after my mother died that I had an understanding of what my death would do to my children. My mom’s death tore me apart-so what would MY death, and even worse, at my own hand, do to my kids? At that point, I said to myself, “A crazy mom is better than no mom.” I vowed I would not take my own life.
I still struggle with depression. Sometimes it feels like my doctor is just throwing pills at me, like mud against the wall, to see what will stick. I have considered ECT but am afraid of that. I have taken stimulants that are NOT prescribed and they seem to help-but the doctor won’t give them to me. I am grateful for my dealer! How sad is that? Anyway, I am rambling. I just think it is so sad the number of people on this thread of comments who are considering suicide.
Maybe some are no longer with us. I am a cancer survivor and you know what? If I had a choice, a cure being discovered for cancer or for depression, I would take depression. I think it harms far more people and destroys more lives than any cancer ever has. My heart goes out to all who are struggling. You are not alone. And although we have never met, I send you all my love.
Thanks for that and thanks for choosing to still be here.
Good read. Glad someone took the time to write something like this… inspirational and thoughtful… something I might’ve been motivated to do during one of my “highs”… but those are rare anymore. Everyday feels like a new low and I could go on and on about the reasons why including my best friend committing suicide but I’m sure there are people worse off than me and in the end we are all really alone anyway. I think Matt’s comment describes this feeling best.
Completely unmotivated to do any of the great ideas in this article, especially talk to loved ones or God forbid a ‘professional’ about it. Almost paralyzed by this feeling. And it’s so frustrating because if it’s simply ‘a feeling’ then why can’t I overcome it. I can’t even get out of bed. Called out of work for the third time this week. After hours of tossing and turning, sweating and crying, fighting this awful war with my own head. I’ve mustered just enough energy to Google “what to do when I want to kill myself”… anyway this was a good distraction for the moment.
I have not been happy for years now. Having lost my third home because of this lousy economy. Losing my healthcare due to the lousy government. Now earning 25 % of what I earned in the north. I am so depressed that I’m done with this life. I am a type one diabetic my wife has MS and can’t work. I’m done.
I am 30 years old, work at a job that just burns me out, I have a wife that I feel is on my case more often than not, and a 1 1/2 year old son that I love. From morning until the afternoon I am the only one available to watch my son, then from 3pm to midnight I work. I have no family that I talk to, no friends at all, and the price of daycare is insane. There are no 24hr gyms in my area for when I get off work. Every morning I wake up feeling like a disappointment and whenever I look in the mirror, I hate myself. I find no joy in anything I do, and just want it all to end. I don’t know why I’m typing this, maybe just to let someone know how I feel who won’t tell me I’m acting like a big baby or to grow up. I will not tell a professional, I am a nurse and know how suicidal patients are monitored and don’t want to go through that.
I don’t know what to say but I hope you can stay strong for your child. That’s what keeps me going and I hope one day he thanks me for it.
Your words could have came out of my mouth! I too am a stay at home caregiver to my children and then work nights. Can’t afford to put them in daycare or preschool to get a break. I have no family or friends here. I am on autopilot and do the bare minimum for my kids. I make sure they’re fed and what not but I don’t enjoy playing with them or going anywhere. I stay home day after day and my kids suffer because of my anxiety and depression. I cry most of the time and lash out at them. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know why I should live. I don’t think I’m the best parent for them, I feel like they would be better off without me.
I’m 28 years old, I have just finished my Master degree in Europe, I traveled all of Europe and saw many places, and I’m back in US, I lack nothing; I have money, my family love me, I just made a feature film and I’m finding much distribution for it, but deep down, looking around me, all I see is nothingness, I feel as if I have lived my life, I have achieved all there is to achieve, and I feel no matter what you do in life, there is always more that you have to reach for.
I’m from a Kurdish family from Kurdistan, and all I see now in the news is the ISIS Islamist terrorist killing Kurdish and Christian women and children while the world watches and does nothing, here I live in prosperity in America, but I see my Kurdish people being slaughtered by these terrorist, I wanted to go and help them, to join the Kurdish Female fighters and fight, but even at that; I find no redemption. I used to believe in love, yes, even romantic love, but I no longer do, what other people see in life, I no longer see; I sometime take a walk in chain stores, in crowded street and wonder what is the point of it all?
People everywhere, one after another, all have dream and ambition, I see this unbroken chain; from a young child to an old woman on death bed, what is it for? Why struggle and live, when you know you will reach the end point? It is as there a road, you know that road will end, but you keep walking, hoping it won’t, and in order to forget that endpoint, you have to look around you, at distances of far away, hoping to reach it, but you know, no matter what, you will reach that endpoint, so why not now? What different does it make if its 50 years from?
When you are old and sick, when you have seen more misery, sacredness and heartbreaks, when your memory become your worse enemy. For the past years, I have felt like this, I feel like the last dying second of the character Ivan in Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Illysch: The world is a place in which one must lie, must pretend in order to survive, each one give it a meaning, but once you know there no meaning in life, you became an eye floating over everyone, there is no way to back among the crowd.
I’m feeling this as well. What’s the point? Why suffer through life just to die eventually anyway? I can’t find joy in anything since having children, even my children can’t save me. No one will care or miss me, I won’t make a difference in this world, we are all just numbers of a virus that is spreading and killing this earth. Why bother?
First of all, if someone really wants to die they will make it happen at any cost. Secondly, it’s a human being’s basic right of autonomy to decide how they live their life and what they chose to do to themselves including but not limited to suicide. What’s seen as a beautiful life for some might be considered agonizing and painful for others. Therefore, they have the right to decide to die.
You can’t expect someone with a debillitating and disabling disease to continue to endure pain and suffering until they die. And you don’t know the circumstances that could provoke one to kill themselves.
I want to kill myself. I hate my life. My parents are the worst and I don’t feel like I’m free. The only way to make my parents miss and love me is by killing myself. I hate myself and I’m crying right now because I am about to kill myself. All I want to say is, don’t kill yourself if people love you. Goodbye.
This year has probably been one of my worst. I constantly feel like I’m drowning, I don’t think there’s been a day where I haven’t cried, haven’t felt completely useless or like a total failure. This year started off with my four year old daughter coming to us and telling us she was being molested by my fiancés 17 year old step brother. Of course we went to the police and had interviews and gave our side of the story, but unfortunately my daughter has such a severe speech delay they couldn’t understand her.
The really crappy part about all of this is- without a statement from our daughter the police couldn’t do anything. Nothing. What a joke – the pervert even admitted to what he did. I feel like I have failed my child, I promised before I had kids that I would never let anything happen to them – as I was raped myself when I was younger. Now here I am wondering if she will face the same issues that I’ve had.
Will she hate herself too, blame herself, look in the mirror with disgust and wish she were dead? To top it all off I found out I was pregnant again a month ago – I was 5 weeks when I found out. I was scared, but excited – maybe this was my something good this year. But, at 7 weeks, it was ripped away. I saw the heartbeat, and less than 10 hours later it was gone too. At work no less (no one knew I was pregnant so I had to sit there and pretend like I was fine, when all I wanted to do was scream).
As for work, they promised me hours, but gave them to someone else – a good friend of mine none the less. So I don’t know if I will be able to afford my bills or pay for food next month. I just wish something would go right for once.. Just once. I have started cutting again after almost 8 years… And honestly if I didn’t have my daughter I would have been gone long ago…
Dear Lost, I read your tragic story and cried so much because I can relate. I just found out that my teenage daughter was sexually abused by her father for over 6 years and that he manipulated and intimidated her and turned her against me so that she wouldn’t tell me. The abuse was so impossible for her to deal with that she had totally blocked all conscious memory of what happened until years afterwards and has only just started talking about it. How do I ever get over knowing I didn’t protect her, the person I made and who love more than anything in this world? Why do I even deserve to live?
Im 18 and a second year in college. My family thinks I’m a disappointment, I fail my classes even though I do the work, I have no friends, and I’m just tired and alone. I try and fail and I’m sick of it. No one would miss me if I’m gone anyway. I’m sick of the constant worrying of grades and trying to please my family. I just want to find peace…
I’m also in the same situation.
I am 15 and I feel like no one wants to be near me. My grades are terrible, my parents fight and fight, and never stop. I feel as if no one cares and I am trying to claw my way up a wall myself and there’s not one not one person I can talk to about this because I am too scared. I just witnessed my grandfather dying a few months ago and he was the only one that would listen to me. I hate myself sometimes. I’m so ugly, I don’t wanna feel pain anymore.
I’ve been thinking of committing suicide for the longest time… I just want out.
Nobody here really wants to hear a sob story. If you’re here and reading this, you feel just like I do. It doesn’t matter the situation.
I’ve been stuck in a downward spiral for a long time. I’m trapped. I can’t get out.
I want out.
I want my pain to end :( all my life I saw my father trying to hang himself ,cut his hands ect. He raised me and my 2 sisters and my brother.He malested my sisters I cnt remember if he did with me and I hope if he did I never but ever remember.my father was sick but he stuck by us and raised us on his own. Plus we lived off and on in diff orphanages. My mother we got to see when we grew up which she pinned us against each other as siblings.
We started fighting getting jealous, hurting each other by words ect. In my 20s I met a guy that I fell for over hills – he was my first to be intimate with. I loved him so much I was young and inexperienced, I got pregnant, he pushed me to abort my first child. Then afterwards he told me to go away. I tried committing suicide which I had regretted and went to the hospital for help.
I was almost too late cause I went I to a cardiac arrest and I fell into a coma. I woke up after a few days which I heard and saw things while I was in the coma. Ironically back and forth I stayed with this man which I believe is my fault I didn’t leave him when I had the chance now is to late cause I have two daughters with him. He hurts me emotionally so deeply and the worst of all I can’t deal with my little sister’s suicide 2 years ago. She was a single mom who no one could believe did what she did.
She was so strong and independent she wanted to be a police officer. Why did she ended it all??! Maybe she was hurting as much as I’m hurting right now?!! I want to die but I don’t want to leave my babies in this world growing without their mom. Kinda like I grew up when I was young. I’ve tried meds and after my coma any type of meds or alcohol make me more depressed or suicidal and sometimes pills cause me to seize. Plus when docs write you meds for depression it’s so easy just to take em all and die.
I am 35 years old and I feel worthless, guilty, unwanted and never loved. I believe in God but I feel as He’s not there anymore idk. I’m just so depressed. I have done everything for this man and after 15 years with him now I think maybe it’s not me that has the problem, but maybe I do have sadness or don’t know how to cope with events especially with my sisters suicide and my dad’s death. I forgot to mention but he triggers it and makes me feel worse. He has called me psychotic so many times and told me to go kill my self.
I feel bad because I worry and not for what happens to me, but for my girls. I would do anything for them. I know no one is perfect and he might have his flaws like I do, but it doesn’t give the right to anyone to call a depressed person psychotic or crazy. We all are sad one day or another. I guess some people have skills or know how to cope and deal with things better than others?! And in my case I don’t think I can deal with my emotions very easily.
I just want some comfort and to feel love, is that so bad?! Am I so wrong to ask for some compassion?:( I can’t stop crying for the last 3 days and I’ve been hiding it from my girls. I hope I can hold on if not for me but for them!! My sister in Greece emails me once in a while and I know that it will hurt her deeply also if I end up taking my own life, but the last couple days call me selfish I think – what’s the point anymore? I can’t change anything.
I’ve tried and tried. We fight all the time and asked if he would go and get help with me but he says I am the problem and I need the help. And yeah I do and I’ve got help before but even my therapist had told me that he needs help also. I feel trapped. I’ve given him all my savings that I had saved up for me and my daughters and now I have nothing. We just bought a home and it’s all in his name. I am on workers comp right now because I got hit on the head at my job which my weekly checks I write to him or we fight if I don’t.
He’s so controlling and so shallow. His own sister has more compassion and love for me than him. He might love like everyone says but that’s a sick way of showing it. I have been to a women’s shelter before and was pregnant with my second daughter. His family has money and they had fought me in court. I ended up with custody 8 years ago but I ended up giving our relationship another chance. Sorry for my long story I just hope I hold on for one more day for my babies. Thank you for reading my long story.
Elani, my life story is a lot like yours in sooo many says. And I feel exactly the same, but I’m 25 and have three kids. I too am in a bad relationship and feel worthless and unloved. I’m also having trouble dealing with my best friends suicide. I can tell you right now without even knowing you that you are a good mom. You love your kids more than yourself and that is all it takes. I do the same and its only because of them I’m still here (unable to get out of bed or move at all which only makes me feel more like a failure, but here nonetheless).
You are a beautiful soul and I’m so sorry your husband can’t treat you the way you deserve. My heart hurts for you and I want to share with you the only tiny peace of comfort I can ever find. God. Yes, I feel awful and want to kill myself and hate everything but even with all my flaws I know deep down God loves me and will save me one day. It’s just the task of getting through right now and it is so hard but everyday I wake up I feel accomplished for having even got that far. GOD LOVES YOU TOO. And when you feel worthless and unloved or scared or anxious read the bible to remind yourself that there is a bigger purpose beyond the now.
And fill your head with how God feels about you. You were wonderfully and beautifully created. He says you are worthy and he is not happy with how your husband is treating you. God knows all of your pain and Jesus endured that and more on the cross. Ask him to send you the holy spirit to comfort you. I am praying for your joy and happiness (as well as my own). God will never leave or forsake us and if we can just focus on him rather than our troubles of this life, we will surely get through it.
For those of you that have the time, this is for you. This might be a big long ramble. I guess I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for years now. I’ve been going to therapy. I likely drink way more than I should, but I really don’t need a lecture about that. It’ll likely be a bunch of crap I’ve heard before. Anyway, I’m likely a porn addict also and I have a large hunger for sex. Likely because I haven’t had very much in my life and I’m 33.
I don’t need a lecture about that either, I know porn isn’t real life. I’ve often had thoughts of suicide but never actually tried anything or got close. I’m single and never married, no children and in the military and live overseas in Europe. I don’t need to hear about that sh*t either because traveling costs money and better with company so shut the f*ck up! My family is great and supportive for the most part but they are back in the US. I don’t have much in the way of friends either.
I’ve always been too hard on myself. In the past I would do self harm, such as hitting and cutting myself. Today I hit myself again and thought about cutting (after a long string of not cutting). I went through the different knives I had and seeing which one would do the job better for slitting my wrists. I almost took that next step. I guess for me to get to this point I had a few negative events happen. First this girl I was talking to off and on (who others said would be perfect for me) had found someone else.
I didn’t make much effort for her but neither did she toward me, but I still felt like my lazy ass could have done more. Second I got involved in talking to this Orgy/Sex group online. They expected certain fees to get in etc. Then they asked for more money for medical screening too but I declined that. It was WAY too much. I’ve been scammed in the past by a certain girl, and probably now by this group. So I’ve been had once again. Then today I was supposed to go to this Pro Soccer match with some people/co-workers. I don’t even really like soccer but it’s something to do and I was trying to make an effort to get out.
I wanted to pre-game before going and had planned on having beers there as well. So I called a taxi. The taxi had trouble finding my place and arrived too late to take me to where I was supposed to meet everyone. So now I’m afraid I’m going to be judged at work as to why I didn’t show (I did let one of the party know). So then I really go to thinking as to why I’m even here? What is the point? Why am I wasting all this oxygen? I’m just a stupid f*ck up! Just writing this has calmed me down some but I’m obviously not totally ok. Respond or talk about this if you need to.
Hi Flip, I’m not here to judge. I know exactly how you feel. I don’t like people lecturing me either. I always hear the same crap too and they just make things worse for me. The guy I felt in love with, decided to walk away from the relationship at the worst moment of my life. I’ve been depressed for almost three years, taking antidepressants and going to therapy and so far nothing works. I don’t have friends who understands what I go through and they say the same BS all the time. I’m dealing with the depression alone so far. That’s why I’m always lonely and hopeless.
I feel so suicidal right now I feel the end is only hours or days away. I have no one to talk to no friends I cant hold a job my kids don’t communicate with me I just want to die and rest in peace. What do I do!!!
Please don’t do it! Even if they do not communicate you can always change the situation.
I feel for everyone on here. It pains me to see so many people so close to suicide, as am I at this moment in time. The reason doesn’t really matter… But I know if all the people who felt trapped and alone and scared and suicidal were able to come together, we might find some emotional comfort in that. I took my meds and am going off into dream land… At least it’s nice there.
Why the alias ‘butter biscuit’? Do you live in Arizona?
I read your article, and it sounds so easy. I have been dealing with depression for a long time. My career is f’d, i have a ton of debt. I keep trying to stay alive for my adult kids and wife. But it just isn’t working. I know they will be scarred but they will have enough life insurance for a new start. I tried everything including shock therapy, which actually worked for a while. I just want to be sure this is the right choice. I am at the end of my rope. All signs lead to ending it.
Thinking of you. I hope you are feeling better.
Please say you are still here. I’m hoping you found something to help you. I can’t, maybe if you have there is hope for me. I just want the pain, loneliness, and sheer agony of trying to hide all this. Screw it I quit.
When I wake every day and wonder why are women put on this earth besides keeping the population going by having children by men who will not provide or stick around to love or be in their lives. Will leave us to be with other women will use us for our money, for a home to live in, for no bills to be responsible for, will not treat us like Queens and love, protect us from harm give us the respect that we deserve.
I’ve tried. I really have. I’ve tried for a whole year. Things got a little bit better ever since he left me and then replaced me and then acted like the last 5 years we spent together didn’t mean anything. I met some new people and some of it was fun. Still, in the end…I’m the one who always got rejected or disappointed. And there he is — happy as a baby bird.
Tonight, it just kind of dawned on me…I can try as hard as I want, but men will not want me. I have so many things to offer but it doesn’t matter all because my face is ugly. I’m just the ‘friend’. Tonight…I did it. I slit them. It feels better now and it’s probably the most productive thing I’ve done all year.
I know how it feels to not be with the one you love. You may think you’re “ugly” but you’re not! And even if you were, even ugly people can find someone to love them and be with them it just takes time sometimes. I came on here because I too want to slit my wrists. Its been my daydream for so long now, and I’ve been sobbing and emotional and so so tired of my life. I just wish I could be free. But I want you to know you’re not alone and I really hope you didn’t kill yourself. Stay strong <3
I’m 30, single, and don’t see the point in continuing life. I don’t have friends, and I’ve tried everything, the pills, the doctors, the distractions, exercise, etc etc, and it changes nothing. I’m still poor, still in a ghetto neighborhood, with family who contiually use me for what little money I make while my projects continue to fail. So why should I contiue to live? No one gives a care about me. I keep hearing the same pat answers when I try to reach out, and still get ignored. I know my multitude of psychological issues will never go away, but the dreading of waking up every monring knowing I’m still here, wishing I don’t wake again when I sleep, and having to repeat the cycle. I know I will not be missed. No one ever misses a poor black person from st. louis, no matter how smart they are. It’s just a statistic.
i’m not black, but i understand how you feel. sometimes the pain is so much that it hurts to breathe. please don’t think that you are just a statistic. you are so much more than this; a living, breathing individual with passions and desires who contributes more to this world than you will ever know.
I hate my life. Nothing I can do is any good. I even try open up to my wife who will not ever try to understand. And a family who does not even know. I can’t even work and just wait for the government to take away my SSI as I have a wife now. There is nothing to look forward to. Even when I have some joy, I know it will not last at all. All roads end in death. All I can wait for is death and going to hell because I have sinned so much.
I sometimes wish I had cancer had and was brutally murdered or something like that or that maybe an animal would eat me. I just don’t work forward to anything in my life. The shadow of the ax is over every hope, every love every joy, and all friendships. It all ends in death. Everything that I see is evil. I see it inside myself and it sickens me. I am only in my 30s and I will die soon.
Your concern for what you feel you have done wrong in your life shows that you are not an evil person. You simply need to keep trying new methods with the belief that something might suppress your agony. Keep close to the idea that you will escape the hopeless darkness and eventually live a joyful life.
I don’t think you are a statistic. I care for you. Hope you are feeling a little better today.
I know how you feel. I was in the same situation like you have, but don’t blame yourself and stop making judgments about you and stop comparing yourself to others. Everybody in this world have different upbringings, it’s not the upbringing make a person successful it’s the will of a person that makes you find the new ways and create new ideas. People say “where their is will, there is a way.” That will is gonna deal with your problems. Save some money if you can and then move on to a new place to find job. That will definitely help you.
I live in St Louis also and let me tell you I’m on the verge of giving up and been praying that I die tonight & not wake up. I feel the same way you do. Nobody gives a sh*t about me, they say the do but ain’t anyone here to listen to me. I feel like a p*ssy wanting to end my life now but livings hard as Hell. Dying is too easy, so please know you’re not alone & I pray for us both to make it. We got many years left and I’m sure multiple people would miss you’d and be devastated so let’s make it our pact to keep on living.
Still plugging away with sh*tty book sales and after 10 months no changes (been published 13 years and made 56$ in royalties). Now with family actively trying to kill me (sister bashed me over the head and choked me all because I told her I’m sick of her negative attitude & mother thought it was funny) I really see where their priorities are. I’m an inconvenience (according to brother and nephew) and don’t need to live.
Well I will make it easy. Using my chemistry skills I’m going to fix myself some poison and die at some hood motel. I will pay for a month and put up a do not disturb sign. Hopefully my calculations are right and I die within 3 minutes. I’m sick of being a poor failure. Hopefully this attempt is successful. Been trying to kill myself since I was 12. I’m done living. In 15 days I’m giving up.
There is no need to give up. Although it may seem like a cure, death is not a method of freeing yourself from pain. You need to escape your suffering by continuing to find new ways of potential escape from your agony. Keep in mind that your death will negatively influence the world in ways you don’t even know of.
Where are you and what are you doing? I would not have found you if I too was not thinking of going away. I have been living in a deep dark place for some time now and often beg God to take me in my sleep. I often cry myself to sleep and beg him to take me so I don’t have to wake up again. What Samuel says is so true about the negative influence suicide will have…not just for the ones who love you, but the ones left behind.
I was the wife of a husband that committed suicide and now I find myself wanting to be the next one. I was/am overwhelmed with grief and it continues to affect my life going forward and my relationships. I remember telling my ‘so called best friend’ I am so overwhelmed with grief I don’t know how I am going to move on…I never heard from her again. We need to continue to find new ways and I dig deep every day to try an find peace. Thank you Samuel and good luck no talent hack writer. Please get in touch as you could write my story.
I know, I feel the same way too as I live in St. Robert, MO. And I had lived here my whole life and haven’t experienced anything in my life yet and as I know I will get there but doesn’t look like I am. As I know it doesn’t matter what age you get your license at. I mean like I told everyone I want to be 15 again even if I have been looking up scientific research in ways to. I am just confusing everybody. Even if they know me or not. As my brother is already 15 and my other brother is bout to turn 9 soon. I just can’t move forward. Just see all my friends and family growing even if I am related to them or not.
I know that nothing I can say or do can change how you’re feeling. At least not for long anyway. But hopefully, what I will say will let you feel worth it, fantastic, special and so much more for at least a short while. Isn’t it better to feel like that for a short while as opposed to not at all? Don’t for a moment think that nobody cares about you or that nobody will miss you.
I don’t even know you yet I care enough to reply to you and I’ll miss you too, you might not believe me but I will. You are worth it, you are good, you are special. I believe it, you should too. I’m not the only one that thinks this, there are other people that don’t know you either but they care enough about you to reply to you and to try to make you feel a bit better. Even for just a moment. As I said before, isn’t it better to feel happy for a little while as apposed to not at all?
So don’t think that no-one will care. That no-one will notice. That no-one will miss you. They will. We will. And we’ll miss you. And don’t you dare think otherwise, please. If not for yourself, then for us.
I care about you, I care about everyone God put here. I care deeply for people that feel like I do. Once I think these suicidal tendencies are gone they come back with a vengeance. And being black means we have lack of support & comforters within our communities or even own families. Being a crack head whore is way above being depressed, suicidal, mentally ill. Weed, liquor, sex, being strong just doesn’t cut it when we break inside.
Without listening caring understanding people walking thru this life next to us where is our chance. I fight suicide just like one fights an addiction, moment by moment, day by day. If I try again it might work but I’ve realized we don’t just end when our bodies do. We go somewhere & if I take my life it will incriminate the minds and lives of my kids, my mom. If we kill ourself we go somewhere worse than where we are.
So hold on, even if your kids don’t love you, you have no confidant, no money, no job, well right now you have Life. The most loving sensitive giving caring & creative people face this dilemma. Look at Robin Williams, he had a movie where he lost kids in wreck then wife killed herself then he went to hell to find her “where dreams” can’t remember the name but it was beautiful. On way to apt. I heard “Jack & Diane” – Oh yeah life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.
And I just had to rock it, cuz I’m so done with this place so why go to apts. that might save my life. Yeah go to mental apts. but y any others just to prolong the pain. Our body will die on it’s own, hang in there we all have a chance of seeing Heaven if we don’t play God and take our own life. Any one person killing themselves will shake the core of ur community. You will cause pain no matter if you’re poor, homeless, alone, no family, etc. I talked a lot here but I just talked myself out of #4. Thank You. Love is all we need.
I think my daughter senses my crying or severe depression that is hidden so well. she peeped in door & is playing a song that says “stay with me cuz you’re all I need stay with me” it came on radio so she didn’t choose the song. But it spoke to my heart, its how God talks to us- no coincidence. how would she feel if I died of my own choice own hand. We can’t leave our loved ones with that kind of pain.
I just want to kill myself peacefully. my problems aren’t like I’m deppressed, I’m angry, I’m alone,… I just do not see any point in living this life… we’re all going to end up in a grave sooner or later… I choose sooner
Suit, I understand what you’re going through, I have a disease where I’m constantly angry at myself, and others for no reason, you don’t have to choose sooner, and their is a TERRESTRIAL way out! What you need is someone to listen, this could be a spouse, friend, or sibling, and as for the point of life, I’ve found that their isn’t one, endless you make one so… So everyday Look in the mirror before bed point at yourself, and say ‘I will keep you alive!’ Hope I helped someone, for a change…
People keep saying “talk to someone.” Most suicidal people and their feelings to commit the act are enhanced by the fact that THEY HAVE NO ONE!” I HAVE HAD NO ONE SINCE MY MOTHER DIED ALMOST 33 YEARS AGO AND WAS EVEN OSTRACIZED, ALONE, AND SUICIDAL WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE. I have never been a part of life – a part of this world – it and no one in it wants nor wanted me.
My futile attempt to be “normal” and reach out for love or acceptance have resulted in me being used, abused, and refused. They did not want me or anything, including my love, help, or consideration, they wanted what I could provide to them. I believe that I am dead and just can’t face it – similar to a movie I once saw.
Life has always pushed me physically, emotionally, environmentally, etc. towards death. It has always seemed to say “accept what you are, what you have never been, and what you will never be – it’s time for you to leave. Tired, so tired…
Jane, I know where you are coming from. Your situation sounds very much like mine. I’m in my 40s and have had so many rotten health issues this year, mostly brought on by the mental & emotional abuse I have been dealing with at the hands of my wife, stepdaughter, and my wife’s family.
If I try to talk to my wife about it she blows up, has a temper tantrum, then engages in outright denial about her family’s behavior and starts exacting revenge on me. Even before meeting my wife I always seemed to find the 1 woman who would treat me worst – use me for money, material things etc.
I thought my wife wasn’t like that until she started allowing her family to suck my life from me by taking it over for themselves. I was expected to lose my identity and become a mere extension of them, and my wife chose them first.
My parents & dear friends from work are the only ones keeping me from killing myself right now, and I am not even sure that they are enough. I just don’t see a happy future anymore. People have been begging me to leave and as much as I want to I am afraid of my wife and her potential reaction.
So I understand where you are coming from, Jane. I have lived at least some of what you describe and feel it myself.
I have an alcohol problem. I want to commit suicide. I feel that its my right since I didn’t choose to be here in the first place. I need help, but have no money. I am in NC. Wilmington.
You are not alone. I understand your problems. If you cannot afford to see a doctor or therapist, please seek out some clinics that have reduced rates. There are many affordable places to go. You can call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to talk with a professional and get listings for clinics in your area. Please do not hesitate to call. You can also check online or in your phone book. None of us chose to be here in the first place. We all have problems. It’s how we DECIDE to handle them. Don’t let alcohol make you believe you have no choice. You don’t know it, but you are stronger than it is. You have the choice to get help. AA meetings are free. Where there is a will, there is always a way. I wish you the very best of luck. You can handle this! BELIEVE in yourself!!
I have been trying to find work for over 4 years, few interviews but nothing happens. I have a loving husband and the most wonderful little boy one can ask for. I feel miserable being a stay at home mum not because I want to but because I can’t find work that suits me in fact lately I have been applying for any kind of jobs and nothing happens. I feel ashamed to feel like I want to die so I do not talk about about this to anyone. I live in a country where I made few good friends, but they all have their own issues. I miss my family that I am avoiding to call lately because I don’t want them to know how sad I feel. I am in my early 30s I have a great education background. I have work all my life to get what I have and be where I am until this… I always thought that people who feels into depression were weak and those who committed suicide were insanely selfish because those who suffer after we are gone are the loved one we leave behind. I never believed that an emotional pain could be strong enough to create the genuine need to kill oneself. Lately the only reason that prevented me to not got through with it was the love for my son and the idea of him growing up without a mother. How selfish would that be. But I haven’t been the best mom lately I am yelling at him all the time and everything he does irritated me he is not even 4 yet… I am suppose to be his mother and be kind and understanding… So I feel so worthless as a person in the society (I do nothing to contribute), a wife and now as a mother. What else do I have left? I live in a beautiful city with gorgeous beaches and landscapes but even that I can’t fully appreciate anymore. I do exercise, read and am outside a lot and I do feel better when I am distracted doing those things but the feeling great moment are only temporarily….
I empathise greatly with you. I have a gorgeous 3 year old boy. I’m an awful mother and hate myself for getting angry and impatient with him. I sometimes have awful thoughts that if something bad happened to him, it would allow me to kill myself. I can’t help you Jane, but please know you aren’t alone.
Life is just one damned thing after another. I’ve tried the majority of the items listed, talked to counselors, taken medication, etc. etc. etc. What’s the point of living if life is painful and miserable? I’ve lived nearly 50 years and all I’ve known is loneliness, rejection, aggravation, misunderstanding and misery. I have no spouse, no kids, I’m in a dead-end job I hate, I’m thousands in debt, I have a few acquaintances but no real friends, and frankly I’m tired of trying to muster up the effort to get out of bed and participate in life. My entire life has been one long f#ck up, and I’m exhausted trying to deal with it. I have a plan in place to end my life, and the sooner it’s over the better.
Hey barbara, Im sorry to hear about your situation. There really aren’t any words that I can possibly say that will make you feel any better. Mental illness is a real disease just like diabetes, cancer etc… It’s especially insidious because it really hijacks our inner being. Yes life is f#ked up. Yes loneliness exists and I guarantee you I can find another story that is even sadder than yours. The question is why are you or I even here. Planing a way out can be comforting but before you do try and observe your surroundings without any judgments and maybe you will find your answer. I wish you luck on your journey and remember we will all die sooner or later.
Take care
j
I agree with joe’s comment. I believe the best way for people to cope with their despair is to simply keep trying to find new methods that could potentially help them manage their depressive symptoms. There is no reason to give up.
Its been over a year since you put up your post Barbara. I really hope that something amazing has happened to you that has changed your mindset and made you want to give living another try. Your post is exactly my story except I have 2 adult children. I’ve come to the conclusion that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS! I too am sick of the ‘buzz’ words, the clichés about life and how beautiful it is and how people will miss me and how precious I am.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Why don’t people just shut the f….. up!! Life just isn’t meant to go any further for me. I know that I wont see out the end of 2016. I’m over 50. I’m in a job where I have worked bloody hard for years and years to learn stuff, so I remain employable because I needed it so badly raising 2 kids alone. And my reward for that has been nastiness, bullying, ridicule, conspiracy, resentment and jealousy from fellow workers.
I have tried everything I can to be quiet, humble, invisible even, nice to everyone regardless, but the ringleaders keep up the gang mentality. And don’t get me started on the boss who has seen my mental deterioration, yet still gives me the same spin ‘oh just ignore them’. I cry so much like all day at work because I know I’m at the mercy of this f…….n job or risk losing my house car the lot. So. Here I am. Yeh, the truth is that this isn’t living.
Ok I DARE anyone to say, just change jobs. Talk to a friend. Talk to a family member. Talk to a professional. Answers – too old; have none I can trust or are loyal; they mock me; can’t afford it (as with Barbara I’m tens of thousands of dollars in debt and barely make it from week to week). The thing about people like me, is that whether I commit suicide or die in an accident or get murdered or whatever, the crocodile tears and perceived grieving is so ritualistic that it all runs its course and then poof! Its all over and forgotten. Enough said.
Kate, I hope you find a reason to stay alive. I understand that you’re in a lot of pain, but please think well of yourself for keeping on – you’re stronger than a lot of us on this forum, for sure. When I was severely depressed, I couldn’t do a damn thing other than sleep. It didn’t matter if I wanted to, if I had other things that needed to be done… I just couldn’t. Be proud that you can, that you have done it thus far.
One of the things that resonated with me is that I always had a hard time getting angry at anyone but myself, and I just got sad instead. I really envied the people who could tell the world to f–k itself, and go on anyway. So… maybe try that. It’s quite freeing, even if you just tell the world off in the privacy of your own home.
I’ve lived with depression since I was 12 years old; I’m now 41. In that time, I’ve realized that feelings aren’t static – if you look for them, there are small moments of relief. Don’t be afraid to find a source of distraction, but try to make it something that isn’t self-destructive. Lately, I’ve been watching Japanese animation romances, which seems really weird, but they are cute and funny and innocent (www.anime-joy[.]tv, if you care).
Try to find something you can immerse yourself in, and forget your pain for a short time. Books are also good. Try the library – if nothing else, it’s nice and quiet there… Eventually, things will change – even if you don’t. Nasty people in your life may move away, or you’ll meet someone who makes a difference. Don’t feel like it’s all on you to “do something”.
Sometimes, keeping going is enough. Also remember: “normal” people have bad days too. A friend told me this once, and it’s helped me feel like I’m not just plain broken. I’m sure you know the feeling. We’re glad you came here and wrote. I’m sending good thoughts your way.
I want to die. I’m 19 and will be 20 this year. My family hates me(proof of this is that my mom said [today around 5 mins ago] that I was a disgrace to the family name and that I make her sick) my GF left me, I struggle with my sexuality, have severe depression and anxiety, suffer from panic attacks often, lost my job. Overall nobody cares and I want to end the pain… Nothing helps, not drugs, not alcohol, or even religion/God. I prayed for someone who will come along who will love me since I was 13 but to no avail… Maybe its because I’m worthless and deserve to die.
Thank you for the article. Lots of good things to try. Getting motivation to do these things is the hurdle for me. When I feel like this, I don’t want to do much of anything which spirals. I can’t really talk to anyone about it. It does help to hear someone else say these thing (or read them). Thanks for the effort and time.
Appreciate the positivity Matt, and I hope you are able to summon up enough motivation to try at least one thing. I know how tough it is when you feel depressed, fatigued, and suicidal – even simple tasks feel like climbing a mountain. Keep doing what you can to improve your current situation, keep trying new things, and something will eventually give. Wish you nothing but the best.
I liked your article. I’ve been living alone with depression for nearly three years. I’ve been seeing a counselor but like you said, they aren’t there 24/7. It’s midnight and I couldn’t sleep again. I have to get up at 3:00am and I just might skip what I have to do tomorrow because I’m up so late.
Any how, I got out of bed really upset and have no one to call. I got half way through your article where you talk about Distraction & Exercise then it dawned on me that my gym is open 24/7. I need to go tomorrow any way, I might as well get it over with. “I mean, work-out”.
I want to thank you Gloom. I feel much better now. Just before I got up I was thinking about ending life and believe me, I have the means to do it.
The person that made that negative comment about your article, if she or he thought about it after committing, I’ll bet that just the distraction of typing helped them a little, I know it is for me. As far as the next individual that commented about your article. They are correct by saying you didn’t have to protect your article. You never know who you’re talking to. You might be talking to someone who’s Bipolar or schizophrenic. A defensive statement like the one you replied with could cause them harm. Although, you are 100% correct by saying what you said.
For those who think I’m full of it about being depressed! Well, I hope this makes you feel better. My love of my life and my wife for 25 years has multiple physical and mental problems. She takes over 15 different meds and cost me a bundle in health care. We haven’t lived together in 3 years and I miss her badly. My mother-in-law kidnaped her from me and I feel like her family is just keeping me around to provide. My wife still loves me but she’s letting her mom control her. I’ve been out of work for a year now and the money is running out. I could go on but I think you get the point.
Just wanted to let you know, Gloom, that your article did help me.
Thanks, Jamb.
Glad to hear the article (and exercise) helped you Jamb, and I appreciate you sharing your situation. I hope you continue to exercise when you can, most people feel a little better when they finish a workout. Sometimes when you feel this way, you need to push yourself to do something, anything, just to stop dwelling on the feeling.
Even if it lingers in the background, distracting yourself by working out or even something as simple as walking, volunteering, etc. can be beneficial. Sorry to hear about the situation with your wife and being out of work. Keep pushing yourself and never give up, you will get through this Jamb.
-GLOOM.
I’m 58 and – not just feel – but actually missed out in life entirely. I’ve been diagnosed with ADD, OCD, PTSD, psychotic depression/anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve missed out in romance/intimacy, getting an equivalent education – grade level/age and have no college. I read between 4th – 6th grade level, have dyscalculia, all due to ADD and turmoil at home.
Did not move out until age 39, with dreams of a music career due to inabilities to read well enough and social anxiety. I have been in mental ICU twice and have attempted suicide. I have fought psychotic depression for at least 40 years. I have done years of meditation, am taking psych meds and self-medicated on must street drugs. I have been addicted to Opiates (Hydrocodone) and am currently addicted to Benzodiazepines (Clonazepam).
I have little or no self-esteem and avoid confrontation at all cost. My entire family are deceased including my older brother committing suicide in 2013 – one year after being released from prison. I finally lost the last two members of our family – cats both at about the age of 18 – one inherited from my oldest brother and the other – my own cat and both cats rescues from outside.
I have had back surgery and heart surgery (5-bypass). I lost my job of 9 years because I have become almost totally dysfunctional. I do have a psychiatrist and neuropsychologist (therapist). I rarely shower and I stay in where it is dark and quiet. I do plan to stop living before age 60.
You may have lost so many things that perhaps connected you to life, but maybe we got to look other way. There are so many people that feel like you, including me. I have thought about committing suicide so many times, but I couldn’t do it. Maybe I don’t have the guts to do that, but, the thing is, when you give up, you also let the people you hated win the fight.
Thinking about those worthless people (that you met and you haven’t met) continue to live their life happily after you made me change my mind a little. Besides, if you are rational enough to find out that life has no meaning, your life is more precious compared to the lives of hedonists. I know someone who lost a few relatives, perhaps she bottles up her feelings, but she looks lively, maybe because most of people have some kind of life companion(s). Try to find one, that might help.
Bad response. The person said that they have not have had anyone in a romantic or intimate relationship. I am their age and can relate. Your simple response to FIND A COMPANION is not responsive to their situation. Should they go to THE COMPANION OR INTIMATE PARTNER STORE? They are talking about decades of loneliness and have probably tried to find someone over this time. I feel as they do… the only thing I can do to eliminate my pain is to eliminate me.