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I Want To Die / Kill Myself: Coping With Suicidal Thoughts

If you are suicidal and thinking “I Want To Die” or “I Want to Kill Myself,” the most important thing is that you get help for yourself. If you cannot find help, this article should help guide you in the right direction. In order to get better, you need to reach out for help. Being suicidal can feel like an everlasting trap and you may start believing that no matter what you do, what you try, or however much will power you put forth, you will never get better. Although most people have different stories leading them to feel like killing themselves, the one thing that suicidal individuals have in common is that they want to die, but deep down, if they could get rid of the emotional pain, they would like to live a fulfilling life.

I Want To Die / Kill Myself: Coping With Suicidal Thoughts

When you are suicidal, I have found that three aspects of intervention are absolutely necessary to facilitate a full recovery. These three aspects include: social support, distraction, and professional help. Although it is imperative that you get some sort of professional help, you cannot be with professionals 24 hours a day 7 days a week. In the times when you feel most alone, you need at least one person who will listen to you talk, and even if they cannot provide good advice or a solution, be supportive and allow you to vent.

Additionally, when you don’t have anyone to talk to and are alone, I’ve found that distraction is necessary. If you don’t distract yourself, you may end up moping in a room all day by yourself and feel even worse that you didn’t do anything by the time the day is over. I’ve divided this up three ways into things that you should do if you are suicidal.

Social support:

1. Call family – If you are lucky enough to have supportive family members, give them a call and tell them what is going on. Chances are good that you know someone (at least one person) who you can talk to about how you feel. If you cannot call them, at least text them and tell them what’s up.

2. Call a friend – If you don’t have any family that you can talk to about how you feel, hopefully you have at least one friend you can vent with. If you have no friends or don’t feel comfortable talking about your feelings with them, there are still other options.

3. Call 911 – One way of getting some very good support for the way you are feeling is by calling 911 and explaining to them how you feel. When you call 911, a police officer will talk to you about how you are feeling and help you get to the bottom of the situation. If you do call 911, just know that you have nothing to be afraid of – the police are well trained and will help talk to you about what you can do to feel better. They may make you visit the hospital and get a professional mental health assessment, so keep this in mind should you decide to call 911.

4. Online forums – There are plenty of great online forums on which you can post anonymously and explain your situation. Many people on these forums are going through similar things and share your feelings of wanting to die and depression. One post will likely get you a ton of different feedback from people who have managed to live through their own suicidal days and create a fulfilling life.

Examples of forums include:

  • PsychCentral.com
  • PsychForums.com
  • DepressionForums.org

I have listed them in the order that I recommend. I have given them all a shot and due to the sheer number of people signed up at PsychCentral, you are likely to get a lot of responses in a short period of time. Additionally, there are some extremely helpful souls at the PsychForums. Posting in forums anonymously is better than sitting in a room moping to yourself and holding in all your emotional pain. Share it with the world and let everyone know what you are going through. Someone may end up giving you some great advice or telling you exactly what you need to hear to push through another day.

5. Talklife App (iPhone / iPod / iPad) – A very cool app out to help those who are suicidal and struggling with their feelings is the Talklife app – available for free for iPhone, iPod, and iPad devices. I’m not sure if they are going to make one for Android platforms, but this is truly a gem with a lot of supportive people. You can help others by posting responses, get help by sharing your story and waiting for responses, and also come to learn that other individuals are going through tough times just like you. This is an awesome app if you utilize it correctly.

6. Suicide hotline – There are plenty of free suicide prevention hotlines that you can call anonymously to talk about how you feel if you are feeling suicidal. One example is that of the Samaritans. These are people that are waiting to talk to suicidal individuals and get them some help. At the very least, these anonymous people on the phone can be some sort of social support if you have none at the moment. Talking to a complete stranger is better than talking to no person at all.

7. Create a “life” contract – One good method for preventing suicide is to write up a contract saying that you will not kill yourself. You must share it with your therapist, psychologist, family or all of the above and sign it. This is essentially a promise that you vow to keep that you will not commit suicide. Surprisingly enough, these are pretty darn effective at preventing people from ending their life.

Distraction:

1. Exercise – One of the best distractions from your emotional pain of feeling suicidal is exercise. When you force yourself to work out, you are essentially becoming stronger and healthier. Additionally, in some cases, exercise provides a very quick antidepressant effect. Perhaps the most effective way to feel good is to go for a run – make yourself run at least a few miles. By running a few miles, you will stimulate the production of endorphins (natural feel good chemicals) in your body.

Whether you decide to go for a run, lift weights, do push ups, do pull ups, etc. Some sort of exercise can keep you distracted. Work your body until you are so tired that you think about getting some good sleep instead of suicide. Putting in your headphones, getting some fresh air, and going for a run outside is one of the best feelings in the world – no matter how terrible you currently feel.

2. Read (uplifting book or article) – If you are feeling like ending it all, some uplifting, inspirational reading material can really work wonders for your mind. If you read something positive or inspirational in regards to any aspect of life, it will help you feel better about your situation. Reading is a great distraction because no matter what you read, you are forced to focus on what you are reading instead of the suicidal thoughts cycling through your head. I know it may be difficult to read and stay focused, but having some good reading material handy can help you make it through another day. There are some great personal development websites (i.e. Steve Pavlina), books, and audio tapes (i.e. Tony Robbins) that may help you improve your situation by giving you a more positive perspective on life.

3. TV – If there is a good show on TV, or anything that you like to watch – sometimes simply watching TV can help distract you from your suicidal thinking. Whether it’s a sporting event, comedy, or just a show that you’ve always liked, it may be really helpful to force yourself to watch it if you feel like killing yourself. TV can sometimes be inspirational, funny, but most of all, a good distraction from the way that you are feeling.

4. Journal – For certain individuals, one of the best ways to get out their suicidal emotion is by journaling. Write down how you feel and then write down some ways in which you think you can overcome the feeling. Writing it down and analyzing how you feel helps you become more aware and conscious of yourself and your life. You can learn a lot about yourself by journaling and if you have nobody to vent to, at least getting your suicidal feelings documented will help.

5. Movies – Movies are a great distraction when you are feeling suicidal and distressed. When I was at my most suicidal I watched the entire James Bond series and rented one new release every night until I had seen them all. I think that comedy type movies tend to be most beneficial for those who are suicidal. I would recommend staying away from dramas and movies with a lot of sadness because they may make you feel even worse. Stick to something upbeat and who knows, by the end of it, you may feel pretty good.

6. Fresh air – Get outside, go for a walk, breathe some fresh air and enjoy the outdoors. There is nothing better than getting outside in nature if you feel suicidal. Getting away from all the hustle and bustle and going for a walk to clear your head is one of the best feelings in the world. If it helps, take music, or an inspirational tape with for some sort of mental boost. If you have a dog, take the dog for a walk and just enjoy being outside and feeling free. Even if you feel terribly suicidal, the fact that you are moving and doing something is a positive step.

7. Play a game – There are many types of games you could play including: board games, sports, Nintendo, Xbox, poker, etc. Pick a game that you like and play it. There are computer games, board games, card games, and tons of options. You could even play chess or checkers or try to learn a new game. When you feel suicidal, you can use this game as a distraction to help you cope with your feeling.

8. Food – Treat yourself to some good, healthy, food and see if it helps. If you have been eating too much, or unhealthy as a result of your depression, you may want to stay away from this item on the list. However, if you are suicidal, eating something good may provide you with at least some sort of temporary satisfaction. If you have enough money, order a good meal and enjoy the fact that you get something delicious to eat. Although this may not take away your suicidal feelings, it will help keep you distracted.

9. Sex – If you have a significant other to have some sexual fun with, this can really help improve mood. It helps increase the production of dopamine in the brain and sex is generally considered beneficial for mental functioning. The same effect and level of satisfaction is not typically achieved via masturbation. If you have a partner that you can have sex with (and your sex drive is not nonexistent due to the depression), you may want to have some fun – it could be a good temporary distraction from your suicidal feelings.

10. Clean your room – One of the best things you can do for yourself to stay distracted is to stay productive. Acknowledge that you feel suicidal, but make yourself do something to improve your living situation. Something simple that you can do is clean your room. Make your bed, pick up your clothes, do some laundry, vacuum, dust, organize, etc. Having a cleaner room and the sense of accomplishment you’ll get may distract you from how crappy you feel.

11. Art – Many people that have depression or are suicidal are great at drawing and creating artwork that helps express how they feel. Although dwelling on your emotion to create art may be painful, the act of creating artwork can help you get all of your feelings out and share them with the world. Additionally, if you are very musically inclined, you may want to write a song or play an instrument to help keep yourself distracted.

Professional help:

1. Psychotherapist – There are some great psychotherapists out there that may be just as smart and equally as equipped to help suicidal individuals as psychologists. The great thing about psychotherapists is that you can talk to them, they listen to what you have to say, and they come up with some solutions to help get you back on the right track mentally. If you are feeling suicidal, they will help you determine what is causing you to feel so down in the dumps and then come up with a plan to help you correct the situation.

2. Psychologist – There are some great psychologists that genuinely want to help people who are suicidal turn things around and make a full recovery. Psychologists are highly trained individuals that know how to help people struggling with thoughts of suicide and depression. Additionally many will help you come up with solutions for overcoming depression, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and can recommend various treatments depending on what is causing you to feel suicidal.

3. Psychiatrist – If you are suicidal all the time and don’t know what to do, somewhere along the line you will want to visit a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist will likely diagnose you with depression and give you some medication to try to help you overcome your depression. Although medications can be a pain in the butt to deal with, they do help a lot of people get through rough patches. If you feel suicidal all the time, every day, and don’t know what to do, a psychiatrist will prescribe you a medication that will produce some chemicals to make you feel better about yourself. Most people who commit suicide do not realize that there are tons of different treatment options available and that one medication could turn their entire life around and change their entire reality: from extreme despair and sadness to happiness within weeks.

Life is Temporary: Death Is Permanent

Just know that there is always hope for your future.  Science is advancing at such a quick rate that there could be a cure tomorrow for whatever ails you.  If you have a mental disorder, there may be an amazing new treatment that you don’t even know about.  The key is getting yourself in touch with the right people for help.  Wanting to die and/or kill yourself are not solutions to the problem at hand.  The problem is that you are suffering.  You need to take a look at yourself from the inside out and work towards making positive changes.  Find one area of your life to improve so that you feel less depressed tomorrow.

If you have done everything on this list you should feel better and continue to improve your situation. Keep showing up, keep putting forth effort, keep trying, and eventually you will get better. It may not be overnight, it may not be in a week, a month, or a year, but when you figure out what works, you will be happy that you stuck around to enjoy life.  You will look back at the time when you were suicidal as a mere “bump in the road” on the path to becoming the strongest version of yourself.  If you can make it through this tough time, you can make it through anything.  Choose to live.

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{ 217 comments… add one }
  • Jamb July 23, 2014, 7:04 am

    I liked your article. I’ve been living alone with depression for nearly three years. I’ve been seeing a counselor but like you said, they aren’t there 24/7. It’s midnight and I couldn’t sleep again. I have to get up at 3:00am and I just might skip what I have to do tomorrow because I’m up so late.

    Any how, I got out of bed really upset and have no one to call. I got half way through your article where you talk about Distraction & Exercise then it dawned on me that my gym is open 24/7. I need to go tomorrow any way, I might as well get it over with. “I mean, work-out”.

    I want to thank you Gloom. I feel much better now. Just before I got up I was thinking about ending life and believe me, I have the means to do it.

    The person that made that negative comment about your article, if she or he thought about it after committing, I’ll bet that just the distraction of typing helped them a little, I know it is for me. As far as the next individual that commented about your article. They are correct by saying you didn’t have to protect your article. You never know who you’re talking to. You might be talking to someone who’s Bipolar or schizophrenic. A defensive statement like the one you replied with could cause them harm. Although, you are 100% correct by saying what you said.

    For those who think I’m full of it about being depressed! Well, I hope this makes you feel better. My love of my life and my wife for 25 years has multiple physical and mental problems. She takes over 15 different meds and cost me a bundle in health care. We haven’t lived together in 3 years and I miss her badly. My mother-in-law kidnaped her from me and I feel like her family is just keeping me around to provide. My wife still loves me but she’s letting her mom control her. I’ve been out of work for a year now and the money is running out. I could go on but I think you get the point.

    Just wanted to let you know, Gloom, that your article did help me.
    Thanks, Jamb.

    • GLOOM July 23, 2014, 1:33 pm

      Glad to hear the article (and exercise) helped you Jamb, and I appreciate you sharing your situation. I hope you continue to exercise when you can, most people feel a little better when they finish a workout. Sometimes when you feel this way, you need to push yourself to do something, anything, just to stop dwelling on the feeling.

      Even if it lingers in the background, distracting yourself by working out or even something as simple as walking, volunteering, etc. can be beneficial. Sorry to hear about the situation with your wife and being out of work. Keep pushing yourself and never give up, you will get through this Jamb.

      -GLOOM.

    • Erich May 2, 2016, 8:19 pm

      I’m 58 and – not just feel – but actually missed out in life entirely. I’ve been diagnosed with ADD, OCD, PTSD, psychotic depression/anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve missed out in romance/intimacy, getting an equivalent education – grade level/age and have no college. I read between 4th – 6th grade level, have dyscalculia, all due to ADD and turmoil at home.

      Did not move out until age 39, with dreams of a music career due to inabilities to read well enough and social anxiety. I have been in mental ICU twice and have attempted suicide. I have fought psychotic depression for at least 40 years. I have done years of meditation, am taking psych meds and self-medicated on must street drugs. I have been addicted to Opiates (Hydrocodone) and am currently addicted to Benzodiazepines (Clonazepam).

      I have little or no self-esteem and avoid confrontation at all cost. My entire family are deceased including my older brother committing suicide in 2013 – one year after being released from prison. I finally lost the last two members of our family – cats both at about the age of 18 – one inherited from my oldest brother and the other – my own cat and both cats rescues from outside.

      I have had back surgery and heart surgery (5-bypass). I lost my job of 9 years because I have become almost totally dysfunctional. I do have a psychiatrist and neuropsychologist (therapist). I rarely shower and I stay in where it is dark and quiet. I do plan to stop living before age 60.

      • Frost May 11, 2016, 7:08 pm

        You may have lost so many things that perhaps connected you to life, but maybe we got to look other way. There are so many people that feel like you, including me. I have thought about committing suicide so many times, but I couldn’t do it. Maybe I don’t have the guts to do that, but, the thing is, when you give up, you also let the people you hated win the fight.

        Thinking about those worthless people (that you met and you haven’t met) continue to live their life happily after you made me change my mind a little. Besides, if you are rational enough to find out that life has no meaning, your life is more precious compared to the lives of hedonists. I know someone who lost a few relatives, perhaps she bottles up her feelings, but she looks lively, maybe because most of people have some kind of life companion(s). Try to find one, that might help.

  • Matt July 24, 2014, 10:15 pm

    Thank you for the article. Lots of good things to try. Getting motivation to do these things is the hurdle for me. When I feel like this, I don’t want to do much of anything which spirals. I can’t really talk to anyone about it. It does help to hear someone else say these thing (or read them). Thanks for the effort and time.

    • GLOOM July 25, 2014, 2:37 am

      Appreciate the positivity Matt, and I hope you are able to summon up enough motivation to try at least one thing. I know how tough it is when you feel depressed, fatigued, and suicidal – even simple tasks feel like climbing a mountain. Keep doing what you can to improve your current situation, keep trying new things, and something will eventually give. Wish you nothing but the best.

  • Barbara August 11, 2014, 2:01 am

    Life is just one damned thing after another. I’ve tried the majority of the items listed, talked to counselors, taken medication, etc. etc. etc. What’s the point of living if life is painful and miserable? I’ve lived nearly 50 years and all I’ve known is loneliness, rejection, aggravation, misunderstanding and misery. I have no spouse, no kids, I’m in a dead-end job I hate, I’m thousands in debt, I have a few acquaintances but no real friends, and frankly I’m tired of trying to muster up the effort to get out of bed and participate in life. My entire life has been one long f#ck up, and I’m exhausted trying to deal with it. I have a plan in place to end my life, and the sooner it’s over the better.

    • joe August 12, 2014, 2:12 am

      Hey barbara, Im sorry to hear about your situation. There really aren’t any words that I can possibly say that will make you feel any better. Mental illness is a real disease just like diabetes, cancer etc… It’s especially insidious because it really hijacks our inner being. Yes life is f#ked up. Yes loneliness exists and I guarantee you I can find another story that is even sadder than yours. The question is why are you or I even here. Planing a way out can be comforting but before you do try and observe your surroundings without any judgments and maybe you will find your answer. I wish you luck on your journey and remember we will all die sooner or later.
      Take care
      j

      • Samuel July 31, 2015, 4:08 am

        I agree with joe’s comment. I believe the best way for people to cope with their despair is to simply keep trying to find new methods that could potentially help them manage their depressive symptoms. There is no reason to give up.

    • kate December 30, 2015, 9:08 am

      Its been over a year since you put up your post Barbara. I really hope that something amazing has happened to you that has changed your mindset and made you want to give living another try. Your post is exactly my story except I have 2 adult children. I’ve come to the conclusion that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS! I too am sick of the ‘buzz’ words, the clichés about life and how beautiful it is and how people will miss me and how precious I am.

      BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Why don’t people just shut the f….. up!! Life just isn’t meant to go any further for me. I know that I wont see out the end of 2016. I’m over 50. I’m in a job where I have worked bloody hard for years and years to learn stuff, so I remain employable because I needed it so badly raising 2 kids alone. And my reward for that has been nastiness, bullying, ridicule, conspiracy, resentment and jealousy from fellow workers.

      I have tried everything I can to be quiet, humble, invisible even, nice to everyone regardless, but the ringleaders keep up the gang mentality. And don’t get me started on the boss who has seen my mental deterioration, yet still gives me the same spin ‘oh just ignore them’. I cry so much like all day at work because I know I’m at the mercy of this f…….n job or risk losing my house car the lot. So. Here I am. Yeh, the truth is that this isn’t living.

      Ok I DARE anyone to say, just change jobs. Talk to a friend. Talk to a family member. Talk to a professional. Answers – too old; have none I can trust or are loyal; they mock me; can’t afford it (as with Barbara I’m tens of thousands of dollars in debt and barely make it from week to week). The thing about people like me, is that whether I commit suicide or die in an accident or get murdered or whatever, the crocodile tears and perceived grieving is so ritualistic that it all runs its course and then poof! Its all over and forgotten. Enough said.

      • Eric March 15, 2016, 8:04 am

        Kate, I hope you find a reason to stay alive. I understand that you’re in a lot of pain, but please think well of yourself for keeping on – you’re stronger than a lot of us on this forum, for sure. When I was severely depressed, I couldn’t do a damn thing other than sleep. It didn’t matter if I wanted to, if I had other things that needed to be done… I just couldn’t. Be proud that you can, that you have done it thus far.

        One of the things that resonated with me is that I always had a hard time getting angry at anyone but myself, and I just got sad instead. I really envied the people who could tell the world to f–k itself, and go on anyway. So… maybe try that. It’s quite freeing, even if you just tell the world off in the privacy of your own home.

        I’ve lived with depression since I was 12 years old; I’m now 41. In that time, I’ve realized that feelings aren’t static – if you look for them, there are small moments of relief. Don’t be afraid to find a source of distraction, but try to make it something that isn’t self-destructive. Lately, I’ve been watching Japanese animation romances, which seems really weird, but they are cute and funny and innocent (www.anime-joy[.]tv, if you care).

        Try to find something you can immerse yourself in, and forget your pain for a short time. Books are also good. Try the library – if nothing else, it’s nice and quiet there… Eventually, things will change – even if you don’t. Nasty people in your life may move away, or you’ll meet someone who makes a difference. Don’t feel like it’s all on you to “do something”.

        Sometimes, keeping going is enough. Also remember: “normal” people have bad days too. A friend told me this once, and it’s helped me feel like I’m not just plain broken. I’m sure you know the feeling. We’re glad you came here and wrote. I’m sending good thoughts your way.

  • Jane August 16, 2014, 12:40 am

    I have been trying to find work for over 4 years, few interviews but nothing happens. I have a loving husband and the most wonderful little boy one can ask for. I feel miserable being a stay at home mum not because I want to but because I can’t find work that suits me in fact lately I have been applying for any kind of jobs and nothing happens. I feel ashamed to feel like I want to die so I do not talk about about this to anyone. I live in a country where I made few good friends, but they all have their own issues. I miss my family that I am avoiding to call lately because I don’t want them to know how sad I feel. I am in my early 30s I have a great education background. I have work all my life to get what I have and be where I am until this… I always thought that people who feels into depression were weak and those who committed suicide were insanely selfish because those who suffer after we are gone are the loved one we leave behind. I never believed that an emotional pain could be strong enough to create the genuine need to kill oneself. Lately the only reason that prevented me to not got through with it was the love for my son and the idea of him growing up without a mother. How selfish would that be. But I haven’t been the best mom lately I am yelling at him all the time and everything he does irritated me he is not even 4 yet… I am suppose to be his mother and be kind and understanding… So I feel so worthless as a person in the society (I do nothing to contribute), a wife and now as a mother. What else do I have left? I live in a beautiful city with gorgeous beaches and landscapes but even that I can’t fully appreciate anymore. I do exercise, read and am outside a lot and I do feel better when I am distracted doing those things but the feeling great moment are only temporarily….

    • Hel September 19, 2015, 8:40 am

      I empathise greatly with you. I have a gorgeous 3 year old boy. I’m an awful mother and hate myself for getting angry and impatient with him. I sometimes have awful thoughts that if something bad happened to him, it would allow me to kill myself. I can’t help you Jane, but please know you aren’t alone.

  • swanson August 31, 2014, 2:42 pm

    I have an alcohol problem. I want to commit suicide. I feel that its my right since I didn’t choose to be here in the first place. I need help, but have no money. I am in NC. Wilmington.

    • AP September 17, 2014, 4:25 pm

      You are not alone. I understand your problems. If you cannot afford to see a doctor or therapist, please seek out some clinics that have reduced rates. There are many affordable places to go. You can call 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to talk with a professional and get listings for clinics in your area. Please do not hesitate to call. You can also check online or in your phone book. None of us chose to be here in the first place. We all have problems. It’s how we DECIDE to handle them. Don’t let alcohol make you believe you have no choice. You don’t know it, but you are stronger than it is. You have the choice to get help. AA meetings are free. Where there is a will, there is always a way. I wish you the very best of luck. You can handle this! BELIEVE in yourself!!

  • suic September 10, 2014, 6:48 pm

    I just want to kill myself peacefully. my problems aren’t like I’m deppressed, I’m angry, I’m alone,… I just do not see any point in living this life… we’re all going to end up in a grave sooner or later… I choose sooner

    • Soose? Or, am I October 18, 2015, 4:54 am

      Suit, I understand what you’re going through, I have a disease where I’m constantly angry at myself, and others for no reason, you don’t have to choose sooner, and their is a TERRESTRIAL way out! What you need is someone to listen, this could be a spouse, friend, or sibling, and as for the point of life, I’ve found that their isn’t one, endless you make one so… So everyday Look in the mirror before bed point at yourself, and say ‘I will keep you alive!’ Hope I helped someone, for a change…

  • no talent hack writer September 14, 2014, 4:20 am

    I’m 30, single, and don’t see the point in continuing life. I don’t have friends, and I’ve tried everything, the pills, the doctors, the distractions, exercise, etc etc, and it changes nothing. I’m still poor, still in a ghetto neighborhood, with family who contiually use me for what little money I make while my projects continue to fail. So why should I contiue to live? No one gives a care about me. I keep hearing the same pat answers when I try to reach out, and still get ignored. I know my multitude of psychological issues will never go away, but the dreading of waking up every monring knowing I’m still here, wishing I don’t wake again when I sleep, and having to repeat the cycle. I know I will not be missed. No one ever misses a poor black person from st. louis, no matter how smart they are. It’s just a statistic.

    • syncoptic September 16, 2014, 6:07 am

      i’m not black, but i understand how you feel. sometimes the pain is so much that it hurts to breathe. please don’t think that you are just a statistic. you are so much more than this; a living, breathing individual with passions and desires who contributes more to this world than you will ever know.

      • eric May 14, 2015, 10:48 pm

        I hate my life. Nothing I can do is any good. I even try open up to my wife who will not ever try to understand. And a family who does not even know. I can’t even work and just wait for the government to take away my SSI as I have a wife now. There is nothing to look forward to. Even when I have some joy, I know it will not last at all. All roads end in death. All I can wait for is death and going to hell because I have sinned so much.

        I sometimes wish I had cancer had and was brutally murdered or something like that or that maybe an animal would eat me. I just don’t work forward to anything in my life. The shadow of the ax is over every hope, every love every joy, and all friendships. It all ends in death. Everything that I see is evil. I see it inside myself and it sickens me. I am only in my 30s and I will die soon.

        • Samuel July 31, 2015, 4:15 am

          Your concern for what you feel you have done wrong in your life shows that you are not an evil person. You simply need to keep trying new methods with the belief that something might suppress your agony. Keep close to the idea that you will escape the hopeless darkness and eventually live a joyful life.

    • Eve September 16, 2014, 8:54 pm

      I don’t think you are a statistic. I care for you. Hope you are feeling a little better today.

    • g458 November 21, 2014, 12:05 pm

      I know how you feel. I was in the same situation like you have, but don’t blame yourself and stop making judgments about you and stop comparing yourself to others. Everybody in this world have different upbringings, it’s not the upbringing make a person successful it’s the will of a person that makes you find the new ways and create new ideas. People say “where their is will, there is a way.” That will is gonna deal with your problems. Save some money if you can and then move on to a new place to find job. That will definitely help you.

    • stupid girl March 27, 2015, 6:59 am

      I live in St Louis also and let me tell you I’m on the verge of giving up and been praying that I die tonight & not wake up. I feel the same way you do. Nobody gives a sh*t about me, they say the do but ain’t anyone here to listen to me. I feel like a p*ssy wanting to end my life now but livings hard as Hell. Dying is too easy, so please know you’re not alone & I pray for us both to make it. We got many years left and I’m sure multiple people would miss you’d and be devastated so let’s make it our pact to keep on living.

      • no talent hack writer July 23, 2015, 10:29 pm

        Still plugging away with sh*tty book sales and after 10 months no changes (been published 13 years and made 56$ in royalties). Now with family actively trying to kill me (sister bashed me over the head and choked me all because I told her I’m sick of her negative attitude & mother thought it was funny) I really see where their priorities are. I’m an inconvenience (according to brother and nephew) and don’t need to live.

        Well I will make it easy. Using my chemistry skills I’m going to fix myself some poison and die at some hood motel. I will pay for a month and put up a do not disturb sign. Hopefully my calculations are right and I die within 3 minutes. I’m sick of being a poor failure. Hopefully this attempt is successful. Been trying to kill myself since I was 12. I’m done living. In 15 days I’m giving up.

        • Samuel July 31, 2015, 4:25 am

          There is no need to give up. Although it may seem like a cure, death is not a method of freeing yourself from pain. You need to escape your suffering by continuing to find new ways of potential escape from your agony. Keep in mind that your death will negatively influence the world in ways you don’t even know of.

        • traci August 8, 2015, 4:48 am

          Where are you and what are you doing? I would not have found you if I too was not thinking of going away. I have been living in a deep dark place for some time now and often beg God to take me in my sleep. I often cry myself to sleep and beg him to take me so I don’t have to wake up again. What Samuel says is so true about the negative influence suicide will have…not just for the ones who love you, but the ones left behind.

          I was the wife of a husband that committed suicide and now I find myself wanting to be the next one. I was/am overwhelmed with grief and it continues to affect my life going forward and my relationships. I remember telling my ‘so called best friend’ I am so overwhelmed with grief I don’t know how I am going to move on…I never heard from her again. We need to continue to find new ways and I dig deep every day to try an find peace. Thank you Samuel and good luck no talent hack writer. Please get in touch as you could write my story.

      • LaVanité Johnson August 15, 2015, 3:22 pm

        I know, I feel the same way too as I live in St. Robert, MO. And I had lived here my whole life and haven’t experienced anything in my life yet and as I know I will get there but doesn’t look like I am. As I know it doesn’t matter what age you get your license at. I mean like I told everyone I want to be 15 again even if I have been looking up scientific research in ways to. I am just confusing everybody. Even if they know me or not. As my brother is already 15 and my other brother is bout to turn 9 soon. I just can’t move forward. Just see all my friends and family growing even if I am related to them or not.

    • Complicated Simpleton August 6, 2015, 8:17 pm

      I know that nothing I can say or do can change how you’re feeling. At least not for long anyway. But hopefully, what I will say will let you feel worth it, fantastic, special and so much more for at least a short while. Isn’t it better to feel like that for a short while as opposed to not at all? Don’t for a moment think that nobody cares about you or that nobody will miss you.

      I don’t even know you yet I care enough to reply to you and I’ll miss you too, you might not believe me but I will. You are worth it, you are good, you are special. I believe it, you should too. I’m not the only one that thinks this, there are other people that don’t know you either but they care enough about you to reply to you and to try to make you feel a bit better. Even for just a moment. As I said before, isn’t it better to feel happy for a little while as apposed to not at all?

      So don’t think that no-one will care. That no-one will notice. That no-one will miss you. They will. We will. And we’ll miss you. And don’t you dare think otherwise, please. If not for yourself, then for us.

    • Tried3xwokeup October 22, 2016, 6:04 am

      I care about you, I care about everyone God put here. I care deeply for people that feel like I do. Once I think these suicidal tendencies are gone they come back with a vengeance. And being black means we have lack of support & comforters within our communities or even own families. Being a crack head whore is way above being depressed, suicidal, mentally ill. Weed, liquor, sex, being strong just doesn’t cut it when we break inside.

      Without listening caring understanding people walking thru this life next to us where is our chance. I fight suicide just like one fights an addiction, moment by moment, day by day. If I try again it might work but I’ve realized we don’t just end when our bodies do. We go somewhere & if I take my life it will incriminate the minds and lives of my kids, my mom. If we kill ourself we go somewhere worse than where we are.

      So hold on, even if your kids don’t love you, you have no confidant, no money, no job, well right now you have Life. The most loving sensitive giving caring & creative people face this dilemma. Look at Robin Williams, he had a movie where he lost kids in wreck then wife killed herself then he went to hell to find her “where dreams” can’t remember the name but it was beautiful. On way to apt. I heard “Jack & Diane” – Oh yeah life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

      And I just had to rock it, cuz I’m so done with this place so why go to apts. that might save my life. Yeah go to mental apts. but y any others just to prolong the pain. Our body will die on it’s own, hang in there we all have a chance of seeing Heaven if we don’t play God and take our own life. Any one person killing themselves will shake the core of ur community. You will cause pain no matter if you’re poor, homeless, alone, no family, etc. I talked a lot here but I just talked myself out of #4. Thank You. Love is all we need.

      I think my daughter senses my crying or severe depression that is hidden so well. she peeped in door & is playing a song that says “stay with me cuz you’re all I need stay with me” it came on radio so she didn’t choose the song. But it spoke to my heart, its how God talks to us- no coincidence. how would she feel if I died of my own choice own hand. We can’t leave our loved ones with that kind of pain.

  • Frances September 20, 2014, 9:30 am

    I’ve tried. I really have. I’ve tried for a whole year. Things got a little bit better ever since he left me and then replaced me and then acted like the last 5 years we spent together didn’t mean anything. I met some new people and some of it was fun. Still, in the end…I’m the one who always got rejected or disappointed. And there he is — happy as a baby bird.

    Tonight, it just kind of dawned on me…I can try as hard as I want, but men will not want me. I have so many things to offer but it doesn’t matter all because my face is ugly. I’m just the ‘friend’. Tonight…I did it. I slit them. It feels better now and it’s probably the most productive thing I’ve done all year.

    • Brittany May 10, 2015, 5:06 am

      I know how it feels to not be with the one you love. You may think you’re “ugly” but you’re not! And even if you were, even ugly people can find someone to love them and be with them it just takes time sometimes. I came on here because I too want to slit my wrists. Its been my daydream for so long now, and I’ve been sobbing and emotional and so so tired of my life. I just wish I could be free. But I want you to know you’re not alone and I really hope you didn’t kill yourself. Stay strong <3

  • wonder why women on this earth September 20, 2014, 8:31 pm

    When I wake every day and wonder why are women put on this earth besides keeping the population going by having children by men who will not provide or stick around to love or be in their lives. Will leave us to be with other women will use us for our money, for a home to live in, for no bills to be responsible for, will not treat us like Queens and love, protect us from harm give us the respect that we deserve.

  • rich September 22, 2014, 2:21 am

    I read your article, and it sounds so easy. I have been dealing with depression for a long time. My career is f’d, i have a ton of debt. I keep trying to stay alive for my adult kids and wife. But it just isn’t working. I know they will be scarred but they will have enough life insurance for a new start. I tried everything including shock therapy, which actually worked for a while. I just want to be sure this is the right choice. I am at the end of my rope. All signs lead to ending it.

    • Bug December 21, 2014, 11:28 pm

      Thinking of you. I hope you are feeling better.

    • hannah March 29, 2015, 3:19 am

      Please say you are still here. I’m hoping you found something to help you. I can’t, maybe if you have there is hope for me. I just want the pain, loneliness, and sheer agony of trying to hide all this. Screw it I quit.

  • Butter biscuit September 27, 2014, 4:58 am

    I feel for everyone on here. It pains me to see so many people so close to suicide, as am I at this moment in time. The reason doesn’t really matter… But I know if all the people who felt trapped and alone and scared and suicidal were able to come together, we might find some emotional comfort in that. I took my meds and am going off into dream land… At least it’s nice there.

    • victoria November 3, 2014, 9:43 pm

      Why the alias ‘butter biscuit’? Do you live in Arizona?

  • Chuck September 27, 2014, 1:48 pm

    I feel so suicidal right now I feel the end is only hours or days away. I have no one to talk to no friends I cant hold a job my kids don’t communicate with me I just want to die and rest in peace. What do I do!!!

    • Marov7 August 17, 2015, 3:04 am

      Please don’t do it! Even if they do not communicate you can always change the situation.

  • Flip October 4, 2014, 1:22 pm

    For those of you that have the time, this is for you. This might be a big long ramble. I guess I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for years now. I’ve been going to therapy. I likely drink way more than I should, but I really don’t need a lecture about that. It’ll likely be a bunch of crap I’ve heard before. Anyway, I’m likely a porn addict also and I have a large hunger for sex. Likely because I haven’t had very much in my life and I’m 33.

    I don’t need a lecture about that either, I know porn isn’t real life. I’ve often had thoughts of suicide but never actually tried anything or got close. I’m single and never married, no children and in the military and live overseas in Europe. I don’t need to hear about that sh*t either because traveling costs money and better with company so shut the f*ck up! My family is great and supportive for the most part but they are back in the US. I don’t have much in the way of friends either.

    I’ve always been too hard on myself. In the past I would do self harm, such as hitting and cutting myself. Today I hit myself again and thought about cutting (after a long string of not cutting). I went through the different knives I had and seeing which one would do the job better for slitting my wrists. I almost took that next step. I guess for me to get to this point I had a few negative events happen. First this girl I was talking to off and on (who others said would be perfect for me) had found someone else.

    I didn’t make much effort for her but neither did she toward me, but I still felt like my lazy ass could have done more. Second I got involved in talking to this Orgy/Sex group online. They expected certain fees to get in etc. Then they asked for more money for medical screening too but I declined that. It was WAY too much. I’ve been scammed in the past by a certain girl, and probably now by this group. So I’ve been had once again. Then today I was supposed to go to this Pro Soccer match with some people/co-workers. I don’t even really like soccer but it’s something to do and I was trying to make an effort to get out.

    I wanted to pre-game before going and had planned on having beers there as well. So I called a taxi. The taxi had trouble finding my place and arrived too late to take me to where I was supposed to meet everyone. So now I’m afraid I’m going to be judged at work as to why I didn’t show (I did let one of the party know). So then I really go to thinking as to why I’m even here? What is the point? Why am I wasting all this oxygen? I’m just a stupid f*ck up! Just writing this has calmed me down some but I’m obviously not totally ok. Respond or talk about this if you need to.

    • Slipping Away January 16, 2015, 2:08 am

      Hi Flip, I’m not here to judge. I know exactly how you feel. I don’t like people lecturing me either. I always hear the same crap too and they just make things worse for me. The guy I felt in love with, decided to walk away from the relationship at the worst moment of my life. I’ve been depressed for almost three years, taking antidepressants and going to therapy and so far nothing works. I don’t have friends who understands what I go through and they say the same BS all the time. I’m dealing with the depression alone so far. That’s why I’m always lonely and hopeless.

  • Eleni October 6, 2014, 3:35 am

    I want my pain to end :( all my life I saw my father trying to hang himself ,cut his hands ect. He raised me and my 2 sisters and my brother.He malested my sisters I cnt remember if he did with me and I hope if he did I never but ever remember.my father was sick but he stuck by us and raised us on his own. Plus we lived off and on in diff orphanages. My mother we got to see when we grew up which she pinned us against each other as siblings.

    We started fighting getting jealous, hurting each other by words ect. In my 20s I met a guy that I fell for over hills – he was my first to be intimate with. I loved him so much I was young and inexperienced, I got pregnant, he pushed me to abort my first child. Then afterwards he told me to go away. I tried committing suicide which I had regretted and went to the hospital for help.

    I was almost too late cause I went I to a cardiac arrest and I fell into a coma. I woke up after a few days which I heard and saw things while I was in the coma. Ironically back and forth I stayed with this man which I believe is my fault I didn’t leave him when I had the chance now is to late cause I have two daughters with him. He hurts me emotionally so deeply and the worst of all I can’t deal with my little sister’s suicide 2 years ago. She was a single mom who no one could believe did what she did.

    She was so strong and independent she wanted to be a police officer. Why did she ended it all??! Maybe she was hurting as much as I’m hurting right now?!! I want to die but I don’t want to leave my babies in this world growing without their mom. Kinda like I grew up when I was young. I’ve tried meds and after my coma any type of meds or alcohol make me more depressed or suicidal and sometimes pills cause me to seize. Plus when docs write you meds for depression it’s so easy just to take em all and die.

    I am 35 years old and I feel worthless, guilty, unwanted and never loved. I believe in God but I feel as He’s not there anymore idk. I’m just so depressed. I have done everything for this man and after 15 years with him now I think maybe it’s not me that has the problem, but maybe I do have sadness or don’t know how to cope with events especially with my sisters suicide and my dad’s death. I forgot to mention but he triggers it and makes me feel worse. He has called me psychotic so many times and told me to go kill my self.

    I feel bad because I worry and not for what happens to me, but for my girls. I would do anything for them. I know no one is perfect and he might have his flaws like I do, but it doesn’t give the right to anyone to call a depressed person psychotic or crazy. We all are sad one day or another. I guess some people have skills or know how to cope and deal with things better than others?! And in my case I don’t think I can deal with my emotions very easily.

    I just want some comfort and to feel love, is that so bad?! Am I so wrong to ask for some compassion?:( I can’t stop crying for the last 3 days and I’ve been hiding it from my girls. I hope I can hold on if not for me but for them!! My sister in Greece emails me once in a while and I know that it will hurt her deeply also if I end up taking my own life, but the last couple days call me selfish I think – what’s the point anymore? I can’t change anything.

    I’ve tried and tried. We fight all the time and asked if he would go and get help with me but he says I am the problem and I need the help. And yeah I do and I’ve got help before but even my therapist had told me that he needs help also. I feel trapped. I’ve given him all my savings that I had saved up for me and my daughters and now I have nothing. We just bought a home and it’s all in his name. I am on workers comp right now because I got hit on the head at my job which my weekly checks I write to him or we fight if I don’t.

    He’s so controlling and so shallow. His own sister has more compassion and love for me than him. He might love like everyone says but that’s a sick way of showing it. I have been to a women’s shelter before and was pregnant with my second daughter. His family has money and they had fought me in court. I ended up with custody 8 years ago but I ended up giving our relationship another chance. Sorry for my long story I just hope I hold on for one more day for my babies. Thank you for reading my long story.

    • victoria November 3, 2014, 10:04 pm

      Elani, my life story is a lot like yours in sooo many says. And I feel exactly the same, but I’m 25 and have three kids. I too am in a bad relationship and feel worthless and unloved. I’m also having trouble dealing with my best friends suicide. I can tell you right now without even knowing you that you are a good mom. You love your kids more than yourself and that is all it takes. I do the same and its only because of them I’m still here (unable to get out of bed or move at all which only makes me feel more like a failure, but here nonetheless).

      You are a beautiful soul and I’m so sorry your husband can’t treat you the way you deserve. My heart hurts for you and I want to share with you the only tiny peace of comfort I can ever find. God. Yes, I feel awful and want to kill myself and hate everything but even with all my flaws I know deep down God loves me and will save me one day. It’s just the task of getting through right now and it is so hard but everyday I wake up I feel accomplished for having even got that far. GOD LOVES YOU TOO. And when you feel worthless and unloved or scared or anxious read the bible to remind yourself that there is a bigger purpose beyond the now.

      And fill your head with how God feels about you. You were wonderfully and beautifully created. He says you are worthy and he is not happy with how your husband is treating you. God knows all of your pain and Jesus endured that and more on the cross. Ask him to send you the holy spirit to comfort you. I am praying for your joy and happiness (as well as my own). God will never leave or forsake us and if we can just focus on him rather than our troubles of this life, we will surely get through it.

  • anon October 9, 2014, 5:25 pm

    Nobody here really wants to hear a sob story. If you’re here and reading this, you feel just like I do. It doesn’t matter the situation.

    I’ve been stuck in a downward spiral for a long time. I’m trapped. I can’t get out.

    I want out.

  • Lex October 10, 2014, 1:59 pm

    I’ve been thinking of committing suicide for the longest time… I just want out.

  • Tamia October 17, 2014, 3:09 pm

    Im 18 and a second year in college. My family thinks I’m a disappointment, I fail my classes even though I do the work, I have no friends, and I’m just tired and alone. I try and fail and I’m sick of it. No one would miss me if I’m gone anyway. I’m sick of the constant worrying of grades and trying to please my family. I just want to find peace…

    • Asad jan September 23, 2015, 5:22 am

      I’m also in the same situation.

  • Lost October 18, 2014, 6:45 am

    This year has probably been one of my worst. I constantly feel like I’m drowning, I don’t think there’s been a day where I haven’t cried, haven’t felt completely useless or like a total failure. This year started off with my four year old daughter coming to us and telling us she was being molested by my fiancés 17 year old step brother. Of course we went to the police and had interviews and gave our side of the story, but unfortunately my daughter has such a severe speech delay they couldn’t understand her.

    The really crappy part about all of this is- without a statement from our daughter the police couldn’t do anything. Nothing. What a joke – the pervert even admitted to what he did. I feel like I have failed my child, I promised before I had kids that I would never let anything happen to them – as I was raped myself when I was younger. Now here I am wondering if she will face the same issues that I’ve had.

    Will she hate herself too, blame herself, look in the mirror with disgust and wish she were dead? To top it all off I found out I was pregnant again a month ago – I was 5 weeks when I found out. I was scared, but excited – maybe this was my something good this year. But, at 7 weeks, it was ripped away. I saw the heartbeat, and less than 10 hours later it was gone too. At work no less (no one knew I was pregnant so I had to sit there and pretend like I was fine, when all I wanted to do was scream).

    As for work, they promised me hours, but gave them to someone else – a good friend of mine none the less. So I don’t know if I will be able to afford my bills or pay for food next month. I just wish something would go right for once.. Just once. I have started cutting again after almost 8 years… And honestly if I didn’t have my daughter I would have been gone long ago…

    • Rose May 24, 2015, 3:39 pm

      Dear Lost, I read your tragic story and cried so much because I can relate. I just found out that my teenage daughter was sexually abused by her father for over 6 years and that he manipulated and intimidated her and turned her against me so that she wouldn’t tell me. The abuse was so impossible for her to deal with that she had totally blocked all conscious memory of what happened until years afterwards and has only just started talking about it. How do I ever get over knowing I didn’t protect her, the person I made and who love more than anything in this world? Why do I even deserve to live?

  • sara October 24, 2014, 4:07 am

    I want to kill myself. I hate my life. My parents are the worst and I don’t feel like I’m free. The only way to make my parents miss and love me is by killing myself. I hate myself and I’m crying right now because I am about to kill myself. All I want to say is, don’t kill yourself if people love you. Goodbye.

  • Pete October 25, 2014, 5:00 pm

    First of all, if someone really wants to die they will make it happen at any cost. Secondly, it’s a human being’s basic right of autonomy to decide how they live their life and what they chose to do to themselves including but not limited to suicide. What’s seen as a beautiful life for some might be considered agonizing and painful for others. Therefore, they have the right to decide to die.

    You can’t expect someone with a debillitating and disabling disease to continue to endure pain and suffering until they die. And you don’t know the circumstances that could provoke one to kill themselves.

  • Kobani October 31, 2014, 5:31 am

    I’m 28 years old, I have just finished my Master degree in Europe, I traveled all of Europe and saw many places, and I’m back in US, I lack nothing; I have money, my family love me, I just made a feature film and I’m finding much distribution for it, but deep down, looking around me, all I see is nothingness, I feel as if I have lived my life, I have achieved all there is to achieve, and I feel no matter what you do in life, there is always more that you have to reach for.

    I’m from a Kurdish family from Kurdistan, and all I see now in the news is the ISIS Islamist terrorist killing Kurdish and Christian women and children while the world watches and does nothing, here I live in prosperity in America, but I see my Kurdish people being slaughtered by these terrorist, I wanted to go and help them, to join the Kurdish Female fighters and fight, but even at that; I find no redemption. I used to believe in love, yes, even romantic love, but I no longer do, what other people see in life, I no longer see; I sometime take a walk in chain stores, in crowded street and wonder what is the point of it all?

    People everywhere, one after another, all have dream and ambition, I see this unbroken chain; from a young child to an old woman on death bed, what is it for? Why struggle and live, when you know you will reach the end point? It is as there a road, you know that road will end, but you keep walking, hoping it won’t, and in order to forget that endpoint, you have to look around you, at distances of far away, hoping to reach it, but you know, no matter what, you will reach that endpoint, so why not now? What different does it make if its 50 years from?

    When you are old and sick, when you have seen more misery, sacredness and heartbreaks, when your memory become your worse enemy. For the past years, I have felt like this, I feel like the last dying second of the character Ivan in Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Illysch: The world is a place in which one must lie, must pretend in order to survive, each one give it a meaning, but once you know there no meaning in life, you became an eye floating over everyone, there is no way to back among the crowd.

    • Nicole March 30, 2015, 4:58 pm

      I’m feeling this as well. What’s the point? Why suffer through life just to die eventually anyway? I can’t find joy in anything since having children, even my children can’t save me. No one will care or miss me, I won’t make a difference in this world, we are all just numbers of a virus that is spreading and killing this earth. Why bother?

  • Adam November 1, 2014, 5:16 pm

    I am 30 years old, work at a job that just burns me out, I have a wife that I feel is on my case more often than not, and a 1 1/2 year old son that I love. From morning until the afternoon I am the only one available to watch my son, then from 3pm to midnight I work. I have no family that I talk to, no friends at all, and the price of daycare is insane. There are no 24hr gyms in my area for when I get off work. Every morning I wake up feeling like a disappointment and whenever I look in the mirror, I hate myself. I find no joy in anything I do, and just want it all to end. I don’t know why I’m typing this, maybe just to let someone know how I feel who won’t tell me I’m acting like a big baby or to grow up. I will not tell a professional, I am a nurse and know how suicidal patients are monitored and don’t want to go through that.

    • kris March 2, 2015, 5:00 am

      I don’t know what to say but I hope you can stay strong for your child. That’s what keeps me going and I hope one day he thanks me for it.

    • Nicole March 30, 2015, 5:04 pm

      Your words could have came out of my mouth! I too am a stay at home caregiver to my children and then work nights. Can’t afford to put them in daycare or preschool to get a break. I have no family or friends here. I am on autopilot and do the bare minimum for my kids. I make sure they’re fed and what not but I don’t enjoy playing with them or going anywhere. I stay home day after day and my kids suffer because of my anxiety and depression. I cry most of the time and lash out at them. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know why I should live. I don’t think I’m the best parent for them, I feel like they would be better off without me.

  • John November 1, 2014, 5:26 pm

    I have not been happy for years now. Having lost my third home because of this lousy economy. Losing my healthcare due to the lousy government. Now earning 25 % of what I earned in the north. I am so depressed that I’m done with this life. I am a type one diabetic my wife has MS and can’t work. I’m done.

  • victoria November 3, 2014, 9:30 pm

    Good read. Glad someone took the time to write something like this… inspirational and thoughtful… something I might’ve been motivated to do during one of my “highs”… but those are rare anymore. Everyday feels like a new low and I could go on and on about the reasons why including my best friend committing suicide but I’m sure there are people worse off than me and in the end we are all really alone anyway. I think Matt’s comment describes this feeling best.

    Completely unmotivated to do any of the great ideas in this article, especially talk to loved ones or God forbid a ‘professional’ about it. Almost paralyzed by this feeling. And it’s so frustrating because if it’s simply ‘a feeling’ then why can’t I overcome it. I can’t even get out of bed. Called out of work for the third time this week. After hours of tossing and turning, sweating and crying, fighting this awful war with my own head. I’ve mustered just enough energy to Google “what to do when I want to kill myself”… anyway this was a good distraction for the moment.

  • Gail Coleman November 4, 2014, 11:07 am

    I have tried several times to kill myself, a couple of attempts being half-hearted, and a couple of them very serious. I even took an overdose when I was 13 weeks pregnant. Thank God, I lived and so did my son. It was only after my mother died that I had an understanding of what my death would do to my children. My mom’s death tore me apart-so what would MY death, and even worse, at my own hand, do to my kids? At that point, I said to myself, “A crazy mom is better than no mom.” I vowed I would not take my own life.

    I still struggle with depression. Sometimes it feels like my doctor is just throwing pills at me, like mud against the wall, to see what will stick. I have considered ECT but am afraid of that. I have taken stimulants that are NOT prescribed and they seem to help-but the doctor won’t give them to me. I am grateful for my dealer! How sad is that? Anyway, I am rambling. I just think it is so sad the number of people on this thread of comments who are considering suicide.

    Maybe some are no longer with us. I am a cancer survivor and you know what? If I had a choice, a cure being discovered for cancer or for depression, I would take depression. I think it harms far more people and destroys more lives than any cancer ever has. My heart goes out to all who are struggling. You are not alone. And although we have never met, I send you all my love.

  • Dav November 9, 2014, 11:43 pm

    I suspect this website represents what is actually happening in our society. So many people feeling so bad, each with their own complex and personal set of problems. As a recently retired professional I probably represent something else. Looking back on what I had thought to be a happy and successful life, I see mistakes, bad investments missed opportunities and poor judgement, which together could have secured a far better future for my children and my wife.

    A loss of much of my retirement savings last year through bad financial advice, has left me ruminating over what should have happened. Yes I too have been through now numerous meds, psychiatrists and psychologists etc and spend almost every minute of every day thinking about suicide. I am unable to work now, poorly motivated, destroying my relationships with my family. And if I do take my life there will be huge financial consequences for my family.

    I have a good pension and income and a supportive loving family, but am still tormented by these events. It sounds ridiculous when despite my losses that I still have so much and yet I seem intent on destruction. I don’t understand it and can’t change my guilty feelings. I am under pressure to accept etc, but am worried about the potential about the long term adverse effects.

    I believe somehow, we all have to discover our own convincing purpose for living and after 2 years of trying I’m not convinced about the statements of depression being temporary, but learning to live with the unlivable and bear the unbearable, still holds true. Suicide is terrible. I am a strong person, but would much rather a physical illness than these terrible thoughts that torture me and I suspect will kill me. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.

    • Dav June 6, 2015, 6:50 pm

      Still here, but much more withdrawn, lazy, frightened to leave the house, spending days in bed, just to try and stay alive. This is no life and no psych interventions have helped. It is an awful problem.

      • Michal June 10, 2015, 6:08 pm

        Please please please Try your best.

  • mathew November 20, 2014, 6:56 am

    I’ve lived a pretty terrible life since birth. Alcoholic father and a gambling mother. I have been abused both mentally and physically and have tried to seek help. Cops would tell me there’s nothing I can do apparently I was just a horrible kid. I’ve tried a lot of things and I seem to come out of it for a short while however the thoughts always come back. My relationships always turn out badly with my partners usually cheating. I have no real friends.

    Whenever I think I get someone to talk to I scare them away. I’m only 25. Im in good shape I’ve been told I look good people say I’m intelligent. None of that helps at all I still think the worst. I’m always looking at people that are happy and just wishing that I could be happy. Just recently my depression has hit so hard that I cry uncontrollably. I think about how much I dislike myself and how others don’t want to be around me. I can’t sleep anymore and eat almost nothing. It feels like there is nothing left in me. I figured maybe saying this here might help since nothing else is.

    • marc February 10, 2015, 6:55 am

      Its unfortunate that we are victims of our families and how much they contribute to our sense of self as we grow up. When we are young we are almost powerless and must tolerate our situation to the best of our ability. But now we are adults and we have choice, the choice to do and not do. We must choose to take care of ourselves and make EVERY effort to seek, find, and make our way to the other side of our feelings of dispair and isolation. We must not do what we so often think of doing.

    • Sarah May 4, 2015, 3:09 pm

      Mathew I know exactly how you feel. No matter what I do or where I go I feel no happiness. How are you doing now?

  • john November 24, 2014, 4:14 pm

    sigh. depression fools us. it is real in our minds. if we could only get out of our own head… i do not know the answers. i, too, used to have no understanding of depression until i got it. somebody mentioned cancer. depression is a cancer of the soul. what do we do? it’s been almost 5 years now since i went down. i lost my career, friends, etc. but! i stick around. why? because it is f-king war. with ourselves.

    tolstot wrote ‘the greatest warriors are TIME and PATIENCE.’ he went through a 5+ year depressive episode. i think he knew what he was writing about. so, i wait. i take a sh%t-load of klonopin when it gets bad. i look up suicide on the web too to cope. how i ended-up here. change is inevitable. even if we can’t see it, or believe it right now. that is the lie that depression makes us believe.

    i’m alone. no wife or kids. a few real big regrets. but, even though it’s been 5 years i have still had moments of happiness and joy. not often. and, not like before i went down. i’m hoping that not just time and patience get me to a better place, but that new treatments will come. hang-in there. they are coming. i am moved by the suffering i have read in these posts. godspeed good health and peace in this life to us all.

  • Natalie November 30, 2014, 4:39 pm

    I’m 12 years old. I want to kill myself. My parents (or my dad at least) is saying ‘grow up’ and I don’t know about my mom… I feel so alone.

    • Kris March 2, 2015, 5:06 am

      Please stay strong. You have a lot of life left and you can’t judge how it will be in the future just by your “relatively” short time on earth.

    • Anna October 30, 2015, 4:03 am

      I understand. When I was in the 4th grade I wanted to die as well. Here I am now. First year in college (13th grade I guess). It sucks. But think of all the stuff you’ll miss if you die. That’s what keeps me going. I never thought those scooter boards would be here but wow… Anyways… It’s best to just keep swiming. I know it sucks. Sometimes it sucks less but it sucks now. Just keep going. I believe in you.

  • grace November 30, 2014, 10:05 pm

    I find it very difficult to find happiness in anything. I am a believer in Christ yet I still find it very hard to find a positive in anything. I’m just a small useless person in this huge meaningless world. I want a way out but at the same time I would like to know what the future holds. I wish I could just sleep forever, but observe the things around me all at the same time (stupid, right?). I’m still young, very young even, and I’m feeling this way? It’s sad really. I feel trapped. I don’t see anything to look forward to. We all die eventually regardless of whether we go to Heaven or Hell. Everyone dies. This life is pointless really. I just want to have meaning. I send out my love to everyone else feeling this way because it honestly just sucks.

  • GLORIA RADIVOJEVIC December 6, 2014, 10:05 pm

    I don’t even have the energy to say I want to die. After four years of crippling pain in my legs and feet. I just don’t want to do it any more. I can understand if I didn’t try EVERYTHING humanly possible on every level to make this better then it would be my fault. I have hundreds of doctors, therapists, naturopaths etc. I’m tired. I can’t do this physical pain any more. It’s cruel and punishing.

    • Ken December 10, 2014, 1:59 am

      Gloria, YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS! STAY STRONG. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT STILL BELIEVE IN YOU. LIVE.

  • Jess December 12, 2014, 5:03 am

    SOME DAYS I hope I go to bed, and I won’t wake up in the morning. My body is a prison that I have wished to be free from since I was a child. My body is my jail cell that I can’t escape from, when all I wish is to be free from all of this pain emotionally and physically, free from this earth and it’s trivial purpose of going through life hoping to have some good days, when the majority are bad and then ultimately we all die anyway.

    So what’s the point?! Hope that tomorrow will be better, when in reality it will be pretty much like the day before. At what point does that hope run out and you wake up and say, “alright, today’s the day I am going to do it because I am sick of the pain, routine, and banality of living, going through the motions but not really seeing or caring about them or the people in it.”

    Life is a f*cking joke, a jest that I no longer understand nor want to participate in. I am a free spirit at heart and was never meant to be confined to a physical body. I wish to be free without a thought of consequence for those who still believe the physical world is the right one to live in where as the spiritual world is where we should all be. I dream of escaping my body every day, yet here I still stand, hoping, that it could possibly get better.

    • Joanna May 5, 2015, 5:49 am

      So true and well said. Too tired of it all to even say more.

  • JJ December 17, 2014, 6:12 am

    I try so desperately to do the right thing and love those around me and not cause pain but somehow I always end up hating everybody and just wanting to kill myself. The only persons I can honestly say who want to see me do good and who actually love me are my parents. Everybody else is just too damn selfish to care even if I desperately try to love them.

    And then there are those who I swear are just out to cause me pain. They say and do the most hurtful things to cause me pain. I wish there was a god that listened to my prayers because maybe he could send and angel down to save me. I’m so sick and tired of this life I am stuck with I cant even be happy about the most important things in my life because somebody always comes around to ruin it.

    I’m not a weak person but I rather hurt myself than somebody else. I cant even cry anymore because it doesn’t help. I cant sleep and I’m tired. I just want to die so I can sleep forever maybe Ill finally get some peace for a change its the closest thing to being happy I can get thus far…I never in my life once thought I’d ever feel this way but I do I am 27 yeas old and I want to die I want to kill myself.

  • K December 18, 2014, 1:46 am

    Hello, I’m 34, living alone in California and on the outside I am a successful, very intelligent, capable individual with movie star good looks. Sounds like I should be happy right? Well unfortunately the answer is no. I have a secret sex addiction that is slowly taking the joy out of my life to the point where I feel numb… I’m isolated and spend most of my free time on online dating sites trying to meet woman for sex, and occasionally do. I’m such a disappointment to myself. I just need people to pray for me, I need a miracle to turn my life around. Thank you.

  • me December 19, 2014, 2:22 am

    I feel horrible, like this couldn’t get any worse! I don’t wanna communicate with my family anymore. they don’t understand anything. I am a good student at school but it’s worthless to my parents they always act like they know everything I am the oldest one so whatever they try is an experiment on me! They are learning everything on me they need to understand a little man!

    They took my phone away so many times like this doesn’t make any sense to me… They need to come up with a better way! I just need my family’s support because you know sometimes things get really hard at school since I am not the most liked girl! I just cry all day now! bye I am killing myself guys. I already cut myself every other day.

    • Frank May 8, 2015, 4:55 pm

      Don’t do it. Live life man. Forever is too long and hell is too hot. Don’t let people not liking you stop you from living.

  • jennifer January 3, 2015, 12:11 pm

    I came across your article as I was wishing how I wanted to end my life. I have been carrying burden of caring for a feckless husband and a divorced parent (who ironically became my dependent since divorce with my other parent). It has been a very difficult and challenging journey. I don’t understand why I am burdened with life. I feel so tired of even trying. Why live something I no longer want to live in? I feel like my whole joy was sucked out of my life as soon as I became a sole breadwinner for two entitled lazy and thankless dead-weights. Still I have no one else in my life.

    • Sam April 4, 2015, 1:01 am

      This comment probably won’t help you much, but I think it’s really awesome that you used the word “feckless.” That’s not a word you hear every day. I hope you leave your husband to care for your parent, get in your car, and drive all the way to the California coast or Mexico or from wherever you are to wherever you want to go. Free yourself this way, not the other way. Good luck.

  • Tillerot January 3, 2015, 4:05 pm

    Hi everyone, I’m French so please don’t be surprised If a make some mistakes. First of all I wanted to say how similar I am to you all. Depression is a pain in the a… And it feels, of course, like it’s never going to end. So thanks, and I do mean it, for this article above. The other day, after reading it, I took some fresh air and went shopping some fresh stuff for me. May sound stupid, but it made me feel, unexpectedly, important to myself.

    Well, mental suffering still here but hey, been sad for ages, I know I’ll overcome. Once again, before it all starts again. Second, and this is the real point, I wanted to report that French sites alike are just crap. Here I read honest, genuine people, and smart things, no matter what we all think of ourselves. And this feels reaaally good. I wish you all, and to me, recovering. -Frank

  • Terra January 15, 2015, 1:06 am

    I hate life. I’m alone, no kids, no friends, no family, awful job. I’ve always been told how worthless I am and how I should just kill myself because no gives a f*ck. In every relationship I’ve been in I’m nothing but the punching bag and a screw. All of them have dumped me any then their in another relationship right after and get married. I have no friends to hang out with. I’ve been nothing but nice and kind to people. I show respect even if I don’t get it back. I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up.

    • Sad girl January 18, 2015, 6:00 pm

      I wish I could die too. My life has no meaning. Everyday I struggle just not to kill myself. I can’t take it anymore.

      • Margaret April 20, 2016, 8:38 am

        Me too!

  • Redneck January 23, 2015, 3:25 am

    I just want to end it all I feel sad all the time and might kill myself soon. I try to put it in God’s hands but still have thoughts of killing myself. Please pray for me ya’ll.

  • Sad Girl January 24, 2015, 1:09 am

    I know how you feel. I don’t pray but, I will think of you. I hope you can feel my strength, Redneck. Let’s try to make it to tomorrow together.

  • sarra January 26, 2015, 12:44 am

    I’m never happy, sometimes just less sad. My boyfriend whom I planned on marrying cheated on me out of the blue and now won’t explain himself to me. I’m devastated and no one understands, and even if they do I don’t want to have to deal with this pain. There’s nothing that will bring him back to me, back to that way we used to be and that’s all I want.

    All I used to live for and now that it’s gone I feel so useless and I miss him more than anything. I’m 100% in love with him and he couldn’t care less. And it’s the worst feeling in the world. I have nothing else in my life that matters, I don’t matter and I’m just done, there’s nothing else to say other than it doesn’t matter, and I’m so tired of being so sad and nothing helps.

    • Sad Girl January 28, 2015, 4:36 pm

      I feel your pain. I know how it feels. You sound like you have a lot to deal with. You deserve better than a guy that cheats. You deserve a man that is 100% in love with you. I bet you are a wonderful person.

  • Pallavi January 28, 2015, 8:44 pm

    I have no friends, no social life. I’m just 20 and suffering from a disease which has changed my looks. I don’t go out because of it. I don’t meet people. I’m really sad. No one is there to help me out. My parents don’t understand me. I’m just so depressed. I feel like dying.

  • rich February 2, 2015, 3:57 am

    I’m the tour manager for the band Green Day. I travel, make great money, and still I’m depressed… I want to love and be loved by someone who doesn’t want me for my job…

    • Cecilia August 15, 2015, 1:29 pm

      Rich, I hope things are better. I am an older white female living in the Deep South. My husband became Depressed after a heart surgery. We had been married for 35 years. It was good and he is a good man. That illness was terrible. I could not tell him how much I loved him. That I cared for him. Because the Depression did not let that in.

      By now we have been married 43 years. Things are a little better. Try to eat as much good fresh foods as you can. While stuck on that bus read about vitamins, supplements and whole food nutrition. It’s slow bcse nothing natural is fast. There are a lot of lonely girls who would love to know you.

      Sex is GREAT. But try to get to know who someone is. Touring that’s hard to do. Who you know is an influence on your whole being. Try to be with people you would like to become. You can change it is slow. None of us is a natural at changing ourselves inside. We resists that even if we are unhappy. I am 65 and still I’m changing and learning. Love and blessings to all of you.

    • lbw August 20, 2015, 2:35 am

      Hang in there…you will be happy sooner than you think.

  • kate February 10, 2015, 1:26 pm

    I like your article :). I found it while reading your other article, “15 Common Causes Of Suicide: Why Do People Kill Themselves?”. Right now, the phrase “I want to kill myself” kept popping in my head… after reading your article, I think I found a small light of hope and avoid suicide. I know my words meant nothing but I just want to say thank you. Thank you for going through the effort of writing articles like this.

  • neel February 28, 2015, 4:32 pm

    Thanks man. It is a good article . It can save lives. Most of the people are getting frustrated and taking this step for small reasons. But my case is different. I made my own life hell with one wrong decision. I left everyone and selected the one who doesn’t care about me. Now I can’t come out also. I’ll have to die if I wanna come out of it. That is only thing I can do. Will pray for all of you commented here. Your problem will be solved soon. Try as much as you can.

    • Blake March 1, 2016, 11:59 pm

      I can relate to you in a small sense. The primary reason for my strong suicidal tendencies is all due to a stupid mistake I made in my life, that impacted my severely, and changed every aspect of my life. Something I cannot forgive myself for, no matter how hard I try.

  • Jose Mercado March 14, 2015, 7:03 pm

    I figured I’d add my situation since everyone is sharing theirs. I’m 32, divorced, Marine corps vet (network tech), unemployed as of Feb 2015. I have no kids, no relationship, and no friends. I have bad social anxiety that’s only been amplified by my addiction to inhalants (amyl butyl nitrates) and porn. I’ve learned 2 ways I can end myself cheaply and painlessly.

  • Can't do it. March 27, 2015, 11:07 am

    They all say I can’t do it. It’s been drilled into my mind so much now that I actually believe it. Maybe they’re right. I can’t do it. I can’t do it so why should I even try? Why should I bother doing something that I can’t do. Just an absolute waste of time. Like my life. If I can’t do it then maybe I can’t even ‘do’ life. If i can’t even do it then what contribution am I making for them. Nothing.

    There’s nothing I can do for them to care about. There’s nothing for them to care about for me to do. They say I can’t. There’s nothing saying that I can either which means that I can’t. I can’t actually do it. So why continue putting in effort when the end product will just show me that I can’t do it. Why face reality when reality holds no future for me. No place.

    I’m just a nothing who is probably even bad at doing nothing. The product of me doing nothing is even worse than nothing itself. It’s failure. A word used commonly to describe my future. If they think that then what makes me think different. Why should I think different? If they’re so sure I can’t do it then they’re probably right. I CAN’T DO IT. So then there’s only one way to prove that I actually CAN DO IT. Watch me do it.

    The end product won’t be failure. It will just be nothing. The nothing I will do will match my contribution of doing nothing. Doing nothing to end nothing and make nothing live forever. I am nothing. So I will be nothing. If I can’t do it, then I won’t do it, and I will end myself as nothing. Goodbye.

  • Sam March 30, 2015, 5:39 pm

    I feel like taking my life right now. I am 27. I have made a lot of financial mistakes that have made me lose all I have worked for. I wake up everyday regretting. I cant forgive myself. Please help me.

  • Nicole March 30, 2015, 5:52 pm

    Every time I read articles, seek help, talk to people, etc. it is all good advice and I know they mean well but when you’re a stay at home parent of children it’s not that simple to go out and take a walk. Go for a drive, have a tea, go shopping, breathing exercises, etc. I can’t do any of that crap! I don’t get any alone time! I can’t even cry alone! Or go to the bathroom alone! I’m on auto pilot with my kids, I make sure they’re fed, bathed, etc. but I have no joy, I can’t smile at them.

    I’m useless. Then when my spouse comes home, ugh, I go to work. I’m exhausted. I’m sad. I have no friends or family here, no one gives a sh#t. Why bother? I’m screwing up my kids, they deserve better anyway. What’s the point? I used to be happy, outgoing, in great shape, the life of the party, then I had kids with an emotionless brick wall and became this fat, useless, stupid, headcase with anxiety and depression. I wouldn’t want to be around me either. I ask again, what’s the point?

  • TinyDancer March 31, 2015, 9:16 am

    I want to die. The past 5 years have been unbearable. My mom died. Then my dad died. I lived with him and I had to watch him disintegrate. I reunited with an old flame and moved into his house in another county, away from my friends. I relapsed with him after being clean for 17 years. Our relationship got abusive. I got arrested. I ran. I was homeless for nearly a year until my father’s house sold. I came back. I moved back in with the same guy again!

    I went to jail. Then again, and yet again within the week. My boyfriend (and our roommate) finally got sick of my shenanigans yard making me leave and threatening to just throw my stuff outside in the street if I take too long to do it. I have nowhere to go. I have not a penny (literally) to my name, since my BF has been helping himself to my inheritance for years now. My only daughter won’t have anything to do with me. I can’t stop using. I can’t see any of this getting better, ever.

    I want to kill myself so badly that I cry because I don’t know how to do it. Or at least how to do it soon enough. I don’t even recognize myself as the woman I used to be. I had a career, a husband, a home, a beautiful child. Money, friends, cute clothes. Interests, passions. A soul. Now I have nothing. And no one cares. Last night I called a helpline and the woman was so obviously anxious to get me off the phone it made me cry even harder. Who are these people who volunteer to help keep people from suicide and then have no compassion whatsoever? They all want to collect demographic statistics.

    • Was a mermaid March 31, 2015, 5:02 pm

      I lost my house car and job too. Then developed painful condition requiring painful surgery. Can’t work, no money, husband working but we don’t have enough. Stepdaughter cut me out of her life. Lots of self-loathing, depression, tears, can’t sleep. On meds for 6 weeks or more but I feel worse.

    • Tyler April 15, 2015, 10:11 am

      I care!! We shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of pain alone, I have to keep myself in constant check, to not just throw myself in front of a bus or take all of my pills at once, it’s exhausting!! But we have to just keep moving forward and keep breathing, right?

  • Cole April 8, 2015, 12:30 am

    All I want is for the pain to stop. Was regularly sexually abused by older boys from 7-years. Now that I’m off cocaine and alcohol, I can’t bare the pain of the PTSD and flashbacks. Its become a physical and emotional pain worse than when my sister died suddenly. My wife divorced me because I kept a childhood full of rape and physical abuse a secret, thinking that’s what you’re supposed to do.

    I went from being at the top of the world, to being walked out of my house by surprise attack from sheriffs. She took my children away from me, and I was closer to them than to myself. No one wants to be around me. I’ve not been out socially in 7-years. Not even once. If there were ever a candidate for a selfie, its me. So what’s better; stepping in front of a speeding 18-wheeler, or going back to mega doses of cocaine and alcohol? Cuz they are the only choices.

  • kit April 10, 2015, 2:50 am

    The article is great. But at the end of the day if I really want to kill myself, I will do so. No one is going to prevent me from doing it. I feel so lonely at times. My wife is dumb – she thinks I am joking when I tell her I need help.

  • Nobody April 10, 2015, 4:24 am

    It sucks that life sometimes sucks.

  • just me April 10, 2015, 2:08 pm

    I would love to find some hope…I live for everyone else…I don’t enjoy life. I do everything right, no debt, decent home boyfriend who loves me, good kids. The issue is I don’t feel happy, I feel empty and dead inside. This isn’t new, I’ve wanted to die since before I was 12…I’m 38 now. I don’t attempt suicide anymore, I have been giving a full effort to beat the depression…it doesn’t go away…ever. I have mild depression constantly, with episodes of major depression to keep it interesting. I hate feeling like I do…I wish this life was over. For me life is a prison, I can’t escape. I dream about the day when no one will care and I can kill myself.

    • Tyler April 15, 2015, 10:05 am

      I understand, you’re not alone in your pain. I to just want it to be over with, I don’t get why people think that living is so amazing, all it does is hurt. I don’t know who you are but I love you and I hope that one day we will understand why everybody else is happy and we are not. Please stay strong!!!

  • Tyler April 15, 2015, 10:00 am

    My wife has just left me, to go find herself. My niece’s murder trial is going on right now, my father has told me he wants to kill himself, I have no money, no job and I just turned 30. Oh and did I mention I’m in freaking Thailand!!! I feel so alone, and so afraid. All I want to do is take all of my sleeping pills and just go to sleep forever, just to make the pain stop!!! It just hurts sooo much right now I don’t know how much more I can take!!! Please somebody HELP ME! :(

    • argh October 27, 2016, 3:58 pm

      Tyler. What you need to do: Write a novel using your life as the plot. Make the ending something great where the main character (you) wins awesomely. Do it do it do it. Stop whining. You got yourself an awesome story there already. Make the ending a good one. Post here when you get it done and I will buy a copy. Do it.

  • matt April 21, 2015, 2:32 am

    I write this as I sit on the roof of a 10 story building with nothing stopping me from going over the edge except the thought that I could possibly survive as a quadriplegic. I am a 32 year old veteran, I hate my job. my wife is a sour b*tch who sucks all the joy out of life. I have an autistic son who I love, but will never be able to relate to on any real level. What is there to stop me other than failure?

    • greg May 12, 2015, 2:16 am

      I hope you’re still here Matt. I live with a woman that’s a life sucker. I have an autistic grandson who is the love of my life. You served your country, in whatever capacity. Be proud. I thank you. What do you need to be happier? People seem to be so willing to tell us to; take a walk, or get medicated, etc. Nobody ever asks what I need. Most people don’t care. I hope you find someone that cares. I’ll keep searching too. Good luck.

  • just me April 24, 2015, 12:37 pm

    The pain goes away for most people, you will feel happy again. Everything has its season, you are in winter now, but spring will come, (I hope metaphors are cool :-). This page is about doing small things to improve your situation. Most of what I read is people depressed about their situation and will pass, you just have to tough it out, figure out what you don’t like in your life and start changing it. You do have to fight to get better.

    I have chronic depression, it doesn’t go away and I don’t feel better. I hope somebody understands how it feels. I look back and I have 3 moments of feeling happy to be alive, only three, otherwise I live in a cloud of sadness… I’ve lost all hope to get better anymore, but it is my duty as a mother to be around for my children.

  • Dave April 24, 2015, 5:20 pm

    I have been suffering from an illness that could take my life at any moment but never does, though it has cost me a job, a wedding ceremony, and thousands of dollars. It is a clotting condition, and my medication doesn’t seem to work properly. I can’t focus at work or in my relationship, for fear that I will be struck down at any moment by a cerebral thrombosis or a pulmonary embolism (I’ve had both). The thought obsesses me from morning to night.

    My GF doesn’t understand my anxiety and tells me that I complain too much. I have doubts about the relationship. Deep doubts. I feel she loves the idea of marriage, but doesn’t care about me as a specific human being. I know this illness and my fears have been overwhelming, but I wish she would step up more. I live overseas in a country very different from my own. I am often getting bad news from doctors in a language I don’t understand.

    I spent Saturday night in the emergency room. The anxiety is killing me, but tonight I smiled because I’m feeling such dread about a life, that I don’t enjoy very much anyway, being taken away from me. I wish things would get much worse or much better.

  • Anonymous May 11, 2015, 2:49 am

    Just imagine not having to wake up every morning. Imagine not having to deal with stress, money problems, drama, school/work, and just life in general. I hate emotions they’re taking over my life. I feel like no one cares about me. I will do my absolute best to make someone happy. Even give them all my money if it makes them happy. The thing is they can’t return the favor and make me happy. Instead they ignore me and disrespect me after everything I’ve done for them. No one makes sense. Everyone has something off about them. Pathological liars, bipolar disorder, homosexual, etc. people are just going to judge you and make you miserable and the only way to deal with it all is to not deal with it. Take all that weight off your shoulders before you collapse. It’s the only way out of everything.

  • Tex May 14, 2015, 8:52 am

    It just comes and goes. I’ve spent the last year and a half running most days. It works until it doesn’t work. Sticking in there doesn’t change the situation. I don’t like admitting how frequently I think about ending it. I’m worried that in the process of getting help, it makes things worse (people watching you like a hawk, implications at work). I can’t expect to take time off work without being blackballed. I’m still recovering work wise from doing a rehab stint.

    And what the f*ck am I complaining about anyway. I have health and healthy kids that love me. I don’t drink, take antidepressants, exercise like mad. The thoughts keep floating through my head. My kids will grow up, I’ll still be in bad shape financially. I can’t change it, I’ll never be able to own even a sh*tty condo. I tried making fitness and running a marathon my hobby/goal. I’ve got to be the most ungrateful a-hole ever for feeling this way. Why won’t it stop?

  • Samantha May 21, 2015, 4:32 am

    Gonna try this. I’ve been depressed for 2 years of my life and it really sucks. I read this and it made me feel motivated. You only live once, why be sad? Make the best out of every situation.

  • TheCaterpillar May 21, 2015, 10:27 pm

    Well I read it. Still hasn’t changed my mind. I’m going to do it it’s just the question and the best, most efficient, least painful way. What could possible change my mind? Haha. Society is such a joke. What would be the point in living and contributing to this shit planet? I love people I really do. Deep down inside.

    But I just can’t take it anymore. And there is nothing I can do to change anything. I’m powerless and though I live in what is claimed to be a “free and democratic society” I feel like I am living in a prison and the only real escape is death. God speed everyone. If there is another side, maybe I’ll see you there.

  • Lonely May 23, 2015, 3:09 pm

    I hate my life and I wish I could go into a long sleep and never get up. There is nothing left for me to live for. I hate my job, I am not close to my family (only my sister but she has her own full social life with lots of friends) and I don’t have the kind of friends that really care except when they want me to be their sounding board. They have an army of other friend’s that they like to spend time with and socialise with – none of them come to visit. They would rather visit friends (I moved and do not live close to them) that live in other parts of the country, which sometimes are close to my location but they can’t be bothered.

    I am everybody’s counselor, always helping people but when I need a sounding board no one is there. I have to pretend I am happy as other people do not want to hear about your unhappiness. Everyday is the same (off work sick at the moment), same four walls and the only interaction that I have is with the staff at the local supermarket. Holidays, weekends and seasons go by and I am usually sat home with nothing to do. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t cry myself to sleep wishing for the loneliness and nightmare life to end. I used to like my own company, but loneliness is different and not by choice.

    I have no money to go out and there is not much going on in the provincial style town (I am a city girl but got coaxed to moving by ex) that I live in. The closest I got to having a best friend was with my ex-boyfriend who I was with for 9 years and he left me brokenhearted 4 years ago. I moved countries twice to be with him, helped him build his career, etc and put my own needs aside – my own fault I know but I genuinely loved him. Once he got on his feet, he left and offered to be my friend after.

    I sometimes feel that he did this to make himself feel better as he never wants to be disliked by anyone. He is good at playing the victim and always comes out smelling of roses. I accepted his friendship as I had no one else and the times we did actually spend together doing things was nice – in the relationship he only wanted to do things together with his friends or everything had to revolve around his interests and I would go along to make him happy. We rarely did things that I was interested in. We have been trying to be friends but it is hard as he was the one that came off better whilst I had start again from scratch to re-build my life.

    Every time we have a dispute, he does not like to discuss things like normal adults and has always dealt with things using the passive aggressive approach and when the going gets tough he leaves me again and every time we fall out it is like another break-up. The problem is I do not have my own life (I used to be the one with the life) and I have been depressed since the break-up and sometimes when we meet up I am not always in a happy frame of mind and he doesn’t want to hear about the unhappiness in my life, only the good. I am then back at square one with no friends to support me.

    I know it is not an ideal situation as you can never truly be friends with someone that you may still have some resentment towards but it is the only opportunity I get to go out every now and again and switch off from the unhappiness in my life. Admittedly he is good company and the ‘friendship’ is strictly platonic. Before I met my ex I was fun, health conscious, attractive, sociable and was never at home. I used to love going out and doing things, even if it meant going on my own and I would usually meet people anyway.

    Since the break-up I have never been the same – I have lost the motivation for anything, all my dreams and ambitions down the drain. Every now and then something positive will happen but it is usually short lived. My health has suffered – hair falling out, skin and weight gain. I used to be really healthy – run, eating wholesome vegan style diet. I adopted his junk food lifestyle towards the end of the relationship which has continued. I used to love dressing up in nice clothes and none of them even fit – I hate looking at my reflection.

    I have become bitter and negative and accepted that I will probably be alone as I no longer believe in love. I never had a best friend to take me out and help me drown my sorrows or got a chance to move house, new haircut (cliche) or just do something that would mark the transition. I am still stuck in the same rut 4 years on even though I have tried various things to improve the situation. I can no longer go on living an empty life like this. I am so unhappy, have no money, nice friends to do things with, terrible job and I hate the way I look now.

    I have a landmark birthday next year and have nothing to show for my sorry existence – I never imagined my life would turn out like this. There were so many things that I wanted to do, I have nothing and I don’t even have a child to show for my long term relationship. All the so-called friends that I have at least have been married and have children etc, even if their relationship did not work out or have great careers. I was once the one with the great life.

    I feel so on the edge, I have lined up the cocktail of painkillers on numerous occasions but not had the strength to even go through with it as deep down I do not want to die in this town and property with the annoying neighbors, that I hate so much and has made me so unhappy for so long. I talk myself out of it by thinking about all the things that I would need to do before going e.g. tidy the house (sell old clothes, unpack boxes from move 5 years ago – it is a mess by my standards but no one visits so I can’t be bothered), lose some weight so I can at least go out in style.

    Ironically these are the things that I find it hard to motivate myself to do. I too have wished to be stricken by some life threatening disease, that would make it easier to go and at least the people around you are more likely to care ironically. Maybe there is a part of me that wants to live and just be loved, be appreciated and valued by those that supposedly care. I just wish something good would happen for once!

    • susan June 27, 2015, 8:34 am

      Hi Lonely, I understand everything you said in your post. I also have no friends; the one person I finally had to confide in (my ex boyfriend) treated me like I had the plague when I told him how depressed I was. This made things even worse because I had to really dig deep to tell him in the first place. I poured my heart, presented my pain on a silver platter, and he turned his back, not offering one word of solace. All I wanted was a hug and to have someone show me a hint of compassion.

      One thing that struck me was that you desire to have a terminal disease. Yes, I would wish this as well because it makes people rally to your side and you can feel some empathy for a change. I’ve been nonstop on the suicide forums searching for methods, then ultimately finding a potential flaw with the method. Nothing is foolproof except jumping and I cannot do that. I came across some disturbing facts that hospital personnel despise and detest suicide survivors.

      I cannot take the pain of waking up after an attempt and not waking up to anyone being happy I was still alive, but waking up to people who hate me because I had emotional pain. I don’t know where to go with this post, not sure what I wanted to say except I am fifty and understand how you feel. I don’t see myself growing old(er). I’m going to try to have a good day tomorrow but I also struggle with getting out of bed each day. I have a dog and go to great lengths to meet his daily needs while neglecting my own. I wish you peace. Thank you for sharing your feelings here with me.

  • Joanne May 29, 2015, 10:27 pm

    I would love to think back on my depression and suicidal thoughts one day as a ‘bump in the road’. But it’s one hell of a bump in the road – if you’ve been depressed and suicidal for 32 of your 48 years on this earth. Bipolar, social anxiety, agoraphobia, severe depression and several daily panic attacks. Medicated up the ying yang, therapy over the past 10 years, nothing has, or will ever, help.

  • Katy June 10, 2015, 11:49 pm

    Is anyone even reading this? There is so much pain here.

    I can’t keep getting up in the morning. I’m just so tired. I keep trying but the pain doesn’t go away; it ebbs temporarily and then the medicine stops working and I’m back where I started.

    These are all great pieces of advice but sometimes they don’t work or we can’t do them. Exercise, I do that every day. Sex, my husband doesn’t want me. (I wouldn’t want me either; my depression sucks the air out of the room. I have no doubt it’s what’s killed his desire for me.)

    There are times it just doesn’t seem worth it to keep going. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, except when you’re 52 and you’ve had the problem since you were 11, that’s a hell of a long-lived temporary problem.

    • Way side March 10, 2016, 8:47 pm

      Hello Katy. I am 55. I know exactly what you are feeling. My depression began very young too. And all this advice on how to combat it can only be of use if you are in that place already. I cannot get out of bed. Once a week I get dressed to go to a mental health group. My care workers hate me because I am so negative. I get asked the same questions over and over, but they don’t like the answers.

      Their job is to support those with mental health problems, but then are surprised when they actually encounter a depressive. There are so many people with depression, and who are suicidal, but never ones I can befriend as they are trapped in their own world. I would without hesitation love and accept a depressive or suicidal partner, but I think women find that easier, and I am sorry your husband finds your depression hard to deal with.

      I’m rambling I know. I wanted to say that yes, I have read what you have written and feel for us all. I’ve got to the stage where even the things I write have no life. Someone mentioned there should be a centre where we can go that offers euthanasia. There should be. It is cruel to expect people to live when all hope has seeped away.

      I don’t know why I write or leave comments. I always look back and think I am a complete idiot and should have put myself across better, but my spark is almost gone and I hate that I can’t get it back. Love to you.

  • Another dumb kid June 15, 2015, 5:56 am

    Lol feels nice to be a part of the net’s eeyore club.

    To keep it short, I hate myself more than I like others, which prevents my life, relationships, and endeavours from remaining stable, if that makes sense. If only I could get this monkey off my back!

  • molly June 22, 2015, 3:20 pm

    When you pray every night and day, try to be positive as much as you can and all you see is darkness. When you are educated, have degrees, get fired at work for no good reason, when you’ve been over to ten job interviews within two months but you can’t find anything, get used and exploited for your ideas then that’s the pain one cannot endure. I’m 22 years of age and I’ve tried everything to make my life better but it seems like darkness and failure are after me and the only option is to kill myself because I already feel like I’m in hell.

    • Susan June 27, 2015, 8:22 am

      Molly, I don’t know what to say except your post really stood out for me because you are so young. I’m sorry you have so much pain and have been rejected. To feel this at such a young age, when your whole life is in front of you, that really says a lot. I’m also not well mentally. I’m not sick and get offended when my therapist insists that I am depressed or need medication. I consider myself very lucid and my desire is based on some sound logic. One aspect of this logic is my age.

      I’m 50 and I tell myself it is all downhill from here. But you are so young. You have potential. I don’t know you but I feel you have so many events you have yet to experience. I wonder if you are lacking emotional support or people are blowing you off when you speak of your perceived failures. It is my wish for you that you will get a job where you feel fulfilled and appreciated. And this wish is very likely to come true. Catch your breath and try to heal a bit.

      I’m not trying to “talk you down.” I’m only giving an outside perspective and this comes from someone who is also suicidal. I spent all my time looking up suicide methods. I’m afraid of failing and afraid I will end up an invalid. So, trust me when I say I understand how you are feeling. I’d like to give you a hug and let you know you are valuable and you have made an impact on me tonight. Please hang in there, things will turn around. I promise you they will.

  • Smile July 5, 2015, 10:00 pm

    I’m not even sure if people still post on this or not, so, apologies if this is just a waste of space. It’s not that I’m angry at people, or my situation or my conflicting feelings – I don’t have the capability to even narrow it down to specific things anymore, I’m just angry at the world. I’m not sure who I am anymore. What makes a person who they are? For me, it was my friends, loved ones, my innocence. But when all that was stripped from me, what does that make me then?

    When I was around 10, I had to move house from where I’d grown up and spent most of my life, losing all but one of my friends in the process, and the one I kept I barely talk to. I was young, anxious about this new place, friendless and upset. I still miss home even now. When I was 13, I fell in love. Yes, you may think it’s debatable at such a young age but this was unquestionable. From the first conversation we had, I knew I’d never get him out of my head, or my heart.

    We talked, got close, even had stupid nicknames for each other, but this wasn’t some naïve crush. I loved him, still do. Eventually though, he moved on. Found other people, other friends. We stopped talking, well, he did. I still tried. But then one day, I finally realised that even though I’d said I loved him, he didn’t care in the slightest. He broke my heart, and I’ve had trouble being in any relationship without thinking of him. Two years ago, my best friend committed suicide.

    I had no idea what had been going on behind closed doors. Tom had been bullied into taking drugs, he’d been accused of rape, he’d been assaulted and threatened and backed into a corner until he couldn’t get out. The worst part is, I was ‘friends’ with the person who started the rape allegations and threatened him. I saw Tom five days before he died, he walked past me on my way home from school and smiled at me. When I got told he’d died, I didn’t believe it at first, I had to ask someone else to make sure it was true.

    When they confirmed it, I just broke. I don’t need to be diagnosed with depression to know just how low I’m feeling, constantly. I don’t need to be told that I’m not alone to know that others feel the same. I’m no longer innocent, or naïve or open-hearted or caring or happy or hopeful or optimistic. I’m broken, I’m battered, I’m scared, I’m exhausted and I’ve got more scars than I’ve ever let on. I’m 15 years old and I feel like my life has been taken from me. And that having to wait until I’m 80-something to die is more punishment than I ever deserved.

  • A Lost Soul July 24, 2015, 9:30 pm

    Gloom, I pray that your words will soon be a start to my recovery. I am 27, a wife, mother, and I am in a dark place. I have suicidal thoughts daily with no one to talk to. My husband works 60 hours/week and I am stranded at home with my kids. I never get a break, and I feel I am going crazy. I am scared to tell my family because they will only tell me that I am crazy, and that will push suicide further to the forefront. I am not sure what to do next, and if I don’t do something fast, life will be over fast. I do not have a strong support system behind me and all my dreams are shot to hell, so I figure I might as well join them. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!

    • Samuel July 31, 2015, 4:49 am

      I recommend that you try to find any method that can suppress your hopelessness. You’ll never know when you might escape your agony. Just keep trying. Remember that no matter what you might think, there are people who care about you.

    • Carol August 5, 2015, 6:04 pm

      Hi Lost Soul, I don’t really know the answers for you, but would just like to share some perspectives that might help:

      1. There are some of us, hopefully many, that really do care about people. If we only could all find, or at least know about each other, we would all be a lot happier.

      2. If the only thing your family would tell you is that you are crazy, then they either don’t care enough for their opinion to matter, or they do care but just don’t have the insight and knowledge to respond appropriately.

      3. The reason your post touched me so much is because my own mother committed suicide when I was two years old, and so I want to tell you from first-hand knowledge that if you commit suicide you are dooming your child/children to a life full of pain. I have had to deal with severe abandonment issues all my life that began when she left. I am doing better now, but am now 68 years old and missed out on a lot of potential. Maybe my mother thought I’d be better off without her, but if so, she was wrong because no one can fully replace a mother’s love.

      I hope you find peace, and happiness for yourself and your children while you still have the opportunity. Also, I hope something I’ve said may help. Just want you to know that even though I don’t know you I do care, and am sure I speak for unknown others when I say that. Please feel free to reply if you need someone to talk to, and most of all, please just hang in there for your children and yourself.

    • squashed ladybug August 17, 2015, 2:40 am

      Lost soul, please stick around. I’m 36 and I miss my mother everyday – she left this world when I was 8. Your life does sound crazy and I believe you. I hope you take the kids to the grocery store and put them in the kiddie care section and then just relax and stare at the flowers and know that people care about you and people are hugging you and giving you tea from little small towns on the west coast. Please stick around. You are a great mother who is doing the best she can and I’m proud of you.

  • Samuel July 31, 2015, 5:09 am

    I wish you all the best of luck as you try to find a way to let your agony subside. Persevere to find the hint of light in the darkness the surrounds you. You will never truly escape your torment if you don’t continue trying to overcome it. Only when you keep persisting in your fight against your suffering will you eventually break free of your hopeless state and finally be able to have a life without constant pain.

  • Dave August 3, 2015, 12:57 pm

    Well I have been feeling like this since I was about 14, I am 28. I lost my job and my girlfriend dumped me for how I acted (part and parcel of my mental illness). This happened within about 2 days of each other, I have had to move back home with my mother and now feel like I am in a much worse place than I was when I was 18.

    I feel completely useless and this is spiraling, this is the first time I have ever seriously contemplated just checking out, the only thing that holds me here is not wanting to upset people. That is honestly the only thing keeping me here, I feel like I am unlovable, useless and I know I will end up alone in life, I feel as though I don’t deserve to be happy and that everyone else would just be better off if I was just gone.

  • Roger August 5, 2015, 12:20 am

    I hate what I have become. I wake every morning feeling sick before I go into a job I absolutely hate. I quit every year or so only to find the same sh*t. I work hard everyday in an racial environment where I’m the minority and hated, talked about or even sabotaged. I have to rely on many others to finish and do their jobs right in order to do mine.

    I’m always under extreme stress and time constraints to finish due to someone else’s negligence. I make huge money for the company but I get no credit and lousy compensation. I’m too old to reinvent myself and try another career. I come home to a b*tch wife that doesn’t respect me and uses me. She has conditioned our daughter to start hating me too at age 6. She has filed for divorce and is still living in my house.

    The only time I’m happy is while I sleep. I absolutely hate every second I’m awake. I have put the gun to my head a few times but I’m too much of a pussy to pull the trigger. I can’t talk to anybody. Everyone is oblivious to my depression and would never understand the depth to it. I am filled with hate for just about everything these days. Trapped with no way out but my own fate.

    • squashed ladybug August 17, 2015, 2:35 am

      Roger, I hope you do reinvent yourself. I hope whether it be a taxi cab driver or another fortune 500 that you say screw the house, the wife and maybe even the kid and just start over. That is my hope for you.

  • squashed ladybug August 17, 2015, 2:33 am

    I don’t hang myself because I have one hope, to be a mother, I’m already 36. But I think about hanging myself all the time. I practice tying the mac cord around my neck, or the fan switch that hangs below in my apartment. I have no one to talk to. No friends, no family. I get up, I think about killing myself, I think about a kid and that’s it. I have a romantic relationship with someone I work with and can’t end it for a lot of reasons. So I just keep thinking these thoughts and it makes me cry all the time.

  • Drea August 20, 2015, 5:14 am

    I just broke up with my boyfriend last night and I really feel like ending it all. It turned out that he doesn’t want to have kids anymore because he already has 2. The most hurtful thing is he decided by himself to schedule a vasectomy next week and didn’t even considered me when he knows I want to have a kid with him [as I don’t have any kids yet]. To this hour I can’t move. He hurt me so much. I’ve been throwing up, crying, getting headaches and feeling sick. I just feel like ending it all. I want to get out of this pain. I really really need to reach out and I am so close to killing myself. Please pray for me.

  • 20 rock August 20, 2015, 11:57 am

    Hi all, I am lost. I hate myself. Everyday I wake up and I want to die. This is mainly because I feel that no girl will ever love me. I can’t perform sexually. I try to last more then a minute and I fail every-time. Another reason I want to die is because of the pain I’ve caused my family over he years. I have stolen from them lied to them and I can’t forgive myself. I was only a teenager when this happened but I still can’t forgive and forget. I wake up everyday wishing I could die. I kind of want to be around more depressed people. Anyone want to hang out sometime? I could really use another depressed person. I’m in Surrey, British Columbia, Canada. Holler at me.

  • Lost August 30, 2015, 1:15 am

    I’m 35. I wish I was older; closer to the end. I can’t make friends. I have no idea how to. I’m not the type of person anyone wants to be around. I’ve come to the conclusion there’s nothing left to look forward to except the end. I want the end. I exercise daily (my work is extremely physical). Nothing distracts from the thoughts. I recently made a discovery about my marriage that erased all trust. Yeah, that’s helpful. Our sex life was already almost nonexistent. I’m sexually dysfunctional – I discovered at 10 my stepfather was a pedophile.

    I’ve never recovered. I bought an exit bag kit but I don’t trust it’ll work. Ive lost my passions. I can’t enjoy sex. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I constantly fantasize about having a heart attack or being broadsided by a transport truck. This has to stop. Nothing feels right anymore. If you have something that feels right, don’t let it go wrong. I don’t know how you keep it, but if you can, please do. Don’t end up like me. Nobody deserves to be like me.

  • Anon September 4, 2015, 12:47 am

    I want to die. Why can’t I find a good guy? Every guy I have dated treats me like sh*t. I was in love with this guy 6 years ago but he didn’t love me. He punched and screwed me mentally and physically. As soon as I broke it off with him, he was in another relationship. They have been together since and have a baby. I don’t understand why I’m just not wanted. I’m a good person, but guess that doesn’t matter. So lost, so empty.

  • Anth September 18, 2015, 4:46 am

    I feel like I can’t tell anyone because I work in a safety sensitive job. Everyday at work I could die intentionally or not. I’m afraid that getting professional help will get me fired, ruin my career, tarnish my family’s reputation, end my marriage, and I don’t think I could deal with all that. I just know it’s not ok to feel like this as often as I do.

  • Dave September 18, 2015, 12:00 pm

    I really don’t want to keep going any more. The only reason I haven’t done anything is that I had a Catholic upbringing at stupidly it stops me, but that buffer is being worn down. I have several major health problems that stop me exercising and I can’t go swimming as my neck injury precludes it.

    I just don’t care about anything. Each day my pain increases and my narcotic intake goes up to fight it. I have a loving family, one or two close friends, but once the shock has eased they’ll be better off without me. I’m simply over it all.

  • Molly September 21, 2015, 8:27 pm

    I worked really hard for a few years feeling physically and emotionally drained, only to find out that I have a physical disorder that is fairly complicated. My child, who had not demonstrated his anger with me, left home to attend college and in his first year, he picked up some drug abuse issues. Those issues spanned 7 years, and one time during that time, he held a loaded gun with the barrel touching my head.

    I have been unsuccessful in marriage. I tried to kill myself unsuccessfully in January, 2013, by taking 60 of a prescribed medication. My spiritual voice said, “God’s not ready for you, because he only allowed you to sleep for about two days.” Then I tried again in 2014, by taking 35 prescription sleeping pills. Again, I had no success. I’ve returned to work, but I exist.

    I do not have the courage to violently end my own life, and I’ve made two solid attempts with prescription medication. The irony is that my physical problem is that I don’t absorb certain vitamins and minerals, and all of my life, prescription medication has not “worked” for me like it does others. I think that’s largely why I’ve never had any addiction problems.

    I tried a psychologist, but I was smarter than the psychologist. I’ve solid friendships, and I’m close to extended family. My immediate family is a disaster. No one would believe I’ve really done these things, because people see me as a strong-willed, independent person. They do not know me at all, even some closest to me.

  • Paul October 3, 2015, 6:00 am

    I too am suicidal. Have been for about 8 years now (but really since I was a teenager – so 25 years). Had a good relationship with a beautiful girl that I completely destroyed with my selfishness, depression and psychosis. Now on 20mg Zyprexa and getting fatter and more repugnant by the day. The 375mg of Effexor does nothing, I still spend the bulk of my time fantasising about hanging myself. The only thing stopping me is my dog. I can barely get out of bed, when I do I’m a zombie from all the drugs they make me take.

    Repeatedly hospitalised because of this depression. Don’t want to go back to hospital. They can’t do anything for me anyway. So lonely. No one to talk to. This even is pointless. Voices in the void. Destroyed my career, was being groomed to be an art star, now all is lost. Can’t make anything any more. Schizophrenia and depression saw to that. Now the drugs that are supposed to be healing me seem to be causing my physical downfall. Just want it to stop.

    • jenni October 5, 2015, 6:34 pm

      Paul – I know what you’re going through; the 16+ years of suicidality, I have a fine arts degree which I got in Europe and through some bad relationships ended up losing my visa and having to come back to the States and burning my bridges within the fashion industry) and I’m now doing administrative work in a gray cubicle… my relationship with a very lovely guy is being destroyed by my mood swings, ETC.

      I’ve always said the only reason for not killing myself is my cat. My cat had surgery recently which my family generously contributed to, it kind of made me realize I am loved, but in the same way… it’s like ok my cat is OK now and my family REALLY cares… so there’s even more guilt in just ending it. It’s both a relief and comfort and also annoying since it makes it harder for me .

      Effexor is horrible by the way. I was on it for a few months and it nearly ruined my life with the side effects and bizarre behaviour. I’m still coping with the withdrawal. It made me self-harm which I hadn’t done in years. Talk to your psychiatrist about not being on Effexor, I experienced terrible side effects myself; I was on 150 mg. Your withdrawal is going to be absolute shit, but get yourself some art supplies, stock up on ginger (because you’re going to be nauseous). That medication is pure evil and I don’t know how it ever got approved!

      You probably can create something – just start putting anything on a canvas; even if it’s your negative emotions. I know the feeling of not having any energy and being zonked out on meds. I got back into painting after getting disillusioned with fashion and because it’s something that I could do in bed on days I felt shit.Even if you just dip a brush in paint and slap it on the canvas once; in a few days you’ll probably have something someone will refer to as “abstract art”. I actually was much more into realism, but I can’t focus on it enough these days due to feeling like crap. I don’t know if your medium is painting but I like those extra large, uber cheap filbert brushes for when I want to convey anger and chaos. The blenders are good too for the brain fog/zombie emotions. I have different brushes for different emotions. Please continue to make stuff. I unintentionally did my best piece withdrawing from Zoloft.

      I wish I could help with the pain, life is pretty shit being artistic in a non-artistic world especially with mental illness, but hang in there and DO NOT GIVE UP ON ART even if you think the industry has given up on you. Don’t end it at least until you’ve amassed a body of work that can get into a museum will have creepy art dealers fighting over it for hundreds of years.

      For the record I don’t think you’re psychotic; I like your writing style (there’s definitely a lot of creativity left in there, judging on your choice of words and vocabulary) and you sound quite funny and intelligent. You actually sound like someone I’d like to hang out with.

    • SoulCall December 23, 2015, 11:10 pm

      Paul – Just lost my artist friend. He was a veteran diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have some examples of his work that I think would cheer you up. Not sure how to get them to you. -D

  • steve jahns October 24, 2015, 11:18 pm

    I don’t want help myself. I’m too tired. I just wish I’d die.

  • Brian October 29, 2015, 2:39 am

    I have been going through hell. In the last 2 years I have gone through 9 surgeries and I am not getting any better. I think the only way is to end it all. I have thought of many ways. Seen a counselor and no help. I just want it to be all over. I am tired of being in pain.

  • avdhesh mittal October 29, 2015, 3:51 pm

    I was a government employee. Now retired there are several service matters to decide. I don’t want to go out of the station. But always under pressure of these problems. I have no interest in this life. Always stressed, this is not a life.

  • MMz October 30, 2015, 8:28 am

    I lost my son almost 3 years ago and came home, said hello to my father (my very best friend) and an hour after found him dead on the couch. That in and of itself has been overwhelming of course. I’m a tough girl. I can take almost anything, but this has me struggling so much. As a result of the sudden and unexpected loss of my father my mother has taken too many meds (way, way to many) and as a result I have had to put her in a nursing home.

    It hurts me to even type it. As a result, I bear so much anguish and pain. I feel like I let everyone down and punish myself 24/7. I quit my job, dropped out of school, drink to no end and cut everyone I know out of my life. I have nothing or no one left. Your article was a great distraction from my constant pain and I appreciate you letting me know that I’m not the only one out there dealing and living with depression. Just knowing I’m not the only one helps more that you probably know.

  • CS November 6, 2015, 1:56 am

    I had a handful of pills when I read this article. Thank you…You’ve given me another reason to rethink my decisions. -C

  • Nothing November 9, 2015, 1:56 am

    Nothing. It’s all a big nothing, day in, day out. Medicine, psychotherapy, natural remedies, weight loss, diets, exercise–none of it works…and I’m not making excuses, because I’ve tried it all. Nothing interests me anymore. I’m a waste of human life energy. I’ve dealt with moderate to severe mental illness for the past decade. I’m gonna be thirty if I live to next year…

    No one wants me around. I’m just a nuisance to them. I need to cheer up, to fight it, to get over it, etc. Just all a big nothing. Forget dating and relationships. The moment women find out that I’m ill, and can’t hold a job (on disability pensions to survive), they leave me in the dust, alone and without companionship; as though all they want is what financial security I can provide…as if I’m not lovable as a result. I used to be a very nice, generous fellow. That disposition is sill there, I suppose, buried deep…but it doesn’t matter.

    I feel nothing. I want nothing. I care nothing. Sometimes, this nothingness gives way to deep, crushing sorrow and depression, crying incessantly as I lay in bed. Other times, it gives way to paranoid anxiety and me being immobilized on my bed due to psychosis and depression. But most of the time, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can sing opera and compose epic music, and those that have heard either have been uplifted. That brings me no joy anymore. No one does anything for me, and on the occasions that I do communicate my troubles, help is given…but it is expected that after the help is given that all will be well.

    It never is. Just more nothing. Nothing works. Nothing lifts me. I doubt even love and sex would do anything. I doubt that even drug and alcohol abuse would solve anything. Belief in God does nothing as well. Belief in anything is requiring too much effort anymore, which effort expends all of what little reserves of energy I have. I want to be done. I want out. I want death, though I doubt that even with imminent death, I’d feel any sort of joy.

    I have nothing. I am nothing. No one wants me. No one likes me. Heck, I don’t even like me. Nothing helps. I’m contemplating dying. I’ve collapsed many times from fatigue and no energy. I’m just a messed up human being that can’t handle life. I just want the nothingness to end…

  • Rae McCoy November 9, 2015, 8:26 am

    I’ve been having thought of ending my life since I was 12 and I’m currently 20. Bright side is I’m 20 and still living lol. But I just wanted to say thank you for posting this article. I’m at work right now at 24 hour fitness and its 2:30 in the morning. I have no one to talk to and no friends to visit even after this because theyre all in my home state of Cali. But just reading this and the comments and letting me know I’m not alone made me feel a whole lot better. So thank you.

  • unmissed November 20, 2015, 7:40 am

    I’m 25 and feel pointless about living. Everyday questioning my own existence as I’m not ever happy. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, not in my family, not in the society. I’m not happy, when it’s all that I want. I’m just always in such a state of anxiety and stress that I can’t feel happy. I have a simple and rather painless plan to end my life yet I’m worried about the shame this family will bear when I’m really gone, esp to someone who I’ve been grateful to since I was born. So I’m planning an extra step to attempt this plan somewhere very far from home.

  • Nina November 21, 2015, 8:18 pm

    Help me. I am only 12… I can’t stand my parents…They are always fighting with me. I do the same thing every day. Wake up, go to school, go home, do homework, go to bed. On days with no school – Wake up, do remaining homework, sit in my room to do nothing (I can’t play or watch TV because of my bad grades), go to sleep. That’s it. Same thing, everyday. Only things keeping me alive are my friends in school. Please help me…I am bored. Do I run away or kill myself?

  • Melody December 1, 2015, 9:02 am

    58, disabled, chronic pain 24/7 and can’t take pain meds due to related GI problem, been to every doc at UCLA and UW in Seattle, no help. Rare joint connective disease. Also have suffered with “Severe Chemical Sensitivity” for 9 years, due to toxic mold in LA apartment. Lost all my possessions for 50 years of life with kids. Lost love of my life due to sudden heart attack on the dance floor, were to be married in a week.

    For unknown reasons to me, neither of once extremely close sons are no longer talking or communicating with me. Have no more close friends whatsoever. Been moved by Ex to Portland, Or, when my home was LA, after mold as he was helping me pay rent before Disability and decided “he didn’t want to pay for me to stay in LA any longer (young sons too) but rather, a “cheaper city”.

    I had to sell a car, sick from mold products experts told me to have car detailed with and for 7 months as it dried in my upholstery, I got sicker and sicker and sicker. Put it up for sale, asked Ex if I could put in front of his house and he could show to Craigslist people. He agreed and was paying auto insurance on it. One morning, he didn’t ask me, he just moved it to horrible major shortcut in Santa Monica, fast cars, big curve. It was totaled by 2 guys without insurance.

    Ex at the crying of my sons, bought me new tiny Scion and then sent me up to Portland with Severe Joint Disease at 50 year of age, having spent life, boys and friends in LA. Then, few months later, had someone come repossess my little car out of the blue. I went out to use it and it was gone forever. Bus stop was 2 miles from me. And I couldn’t walk anyway. Friends all gone by the wayside now – my joint disease just palliative care.

    Extremely sensitive to all laundry products in apartment buildings, and cigarette smoke. Can’t get away from it. Have my own machines, but can’t afford to get back to LA, where my boys are and where people don’t have their own laundry machines. No one calls anymore. No one cares. Was once a ballerina, an unusually bright woman with cooking, cleaning, homemaking, office managing for nonprofits, lots of smart friends, and now I am nothing.

    No one calls, sons are gone. Father abused me, is alive across country at 97 and is a bastard. Has a lot of money, but giving it to my two sisters (bitches and greedy) and doesn’t care about his Grandsons. I can’t be an Aunt to my sisters children. I am completely ESTRANGED. My Disability barely pays my rent and on Food Stamps without a car in freezing rural Washington.

    Can’t meet people due to me Chemical Sensitivity for perfume and their laundry products residues on their clothing. I’d say it’s ALL PRETTY DAMNED GOOD REASONS. HAVE BEEN TO THE EDGE MANY TIMES. TONIGHT, PROBABLY THE CLOSEST. Took a bunch of Benzodiazapene to slow me down at least for now. Horrible empty life. Not worth living. Had my kids, loved my love – he’s gone now. No reason to be here.

  • alexander estwould December 9, 2015, 9:18 am

    What to do when nobody loves you once they know you… My life is struggle and it always has and I assume always will be. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, Dyslexia, ADHD all my life. I am a very introverted person who speaks in a whisper and I have no confidence in myself. I’m noticeably very uncomfortable in social interaction. That said people seem to gravitate to me.

    I’m rather small in stature. I think people gravitate towards me because of my non-judgmental attitude towards sex, religion, race, etc. I don’t dislike people for there skin color religion or on and on and so on. People see me, and greet me. I can tell they instantly find me intriguing because of my open mind and my good looks. I think at first glance people expect me to be superficial or full of myself. I know I sound superficial because I know people consider me good looking.

    But that is where the fantasy stops and the intrigue begins. How can an anglo be introverted to the degree that I am, when they have so much going for them? What they don’t know is how I don’t see it, how I don’t ride the wave and cash in on being physically beautiful on the outside. When they can’t take it and look for more info, turn over stones for answers that are not ready for. How can a talented handsome person like myself be so cynical unconscious about what he has?

    But really I’m a frightened child who is scared to open up to anyone. I’m going through a divorce and have two wonderful kids. But I’m so disgusted with my wife and myself, lonely, jaded, and have insecurities that push to the point where I’m at now. I can’t focus, I can’t be a good parent because of my depression. I don’t trust anyone to ever love me romantically because they like me. I feel like a trophy or someone who because of my good looks becomes an item that they like to be seen with.

    Because from a far being with a good looking person makes them feel good. I just can’t stand it any longer. Can’t stand peoples expectations of me because of how I look… I know there are some people who would trade shoes with me in a heart beat. Just tired of looking for companionship, only to find out everyone I meet has a similar agenda. Now that I have this handsome man now all I need is for him to behave like he looks. Confident, arrogant, dress to impress. SWAGGER.

    I’m just not interested and tired of it. They only reason I don’t check out is because of my kids. But as the days go and my anxiety continues to reach unprecedented levels I reconfirm to myself I will never fit in or be able to like them… I don’t know how I can continue feeling this. I love my kids. I’m scared of myself. Why was it, when I was a kid I was a sad one? How can I do it. How can I not?

    If I lose my job tomorrow I will die tomorrow afternoon. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t take anymore. I need an easy friend to talk to one with a bit to lend. Oh yeah, I have seen so many psychiatrists lately. But they all do the same f*cking thing. Whats going on with you? I tell them, and they agree. I only hear scripted, cliche responses. Rarely does anyone give me constructive advice… Please someone help me. My kids need me.

  • Chris December 12, 2015, 4:14 pm

    Ladies and gentleman: I have done and and been witness to some horrible things. I’ve spent 4 years fighting a war. I get no interest from other people and I have no family. The only friends I have ever made killed themselves after coming back home and left me here to deal with this shit everyday. I’m not mad at them. I understand why they did what they did and I think about doing the same at least 50 times a day.

    I have been in one relationship in my entire life and she left me for someone else. The depression, guilt and anxiety have taken my marriage, drive, mobility and sexual desire. I never leave my home and have tried every known treatment there is. I have had one good doctor the entire time I have been suffering and she moved. It’s harder than most people know to find someone who you trust and that cares about you to listen.

    I attempted to take my life last year with a 1911 45ACP. This weapon has been the most reliable weapon I have ever had. It jammed. I’m not sure why. I have tried it since. I survived an overdose of heroine as well. Some random drifting homeless man found me and used my phone. I don’t believe in this crap that suicide is selfish. I’m the most selfless person ever and just want peace.

    I also don’t agree with the phrasing death is not a solution. Yes it is. The only thing I can say is the obvious. Take one day at a time and put all your work into not hating yourself. I have made very small gains in this area, but for people like us any progress is welcomed. Best of luck to you all.

  • Someone bipolar December 30, 2015, 4:55 am

    The thing with my suicidal suicidal thoughts is the best I could ever do is keep it to myself. It’s just gotten to a point where family and loved ones view it as “Just Drama”. When I’m sad I want to end me, it’s simple yet so complicated but I have absolutely no one who believes I need help. They just see it as me asking for attention.

    What they don’t get is I hate myself whenever this happens and I fall even more depressed when no one really does care or give a sh*t that I’m seriously thinking of ending my life. I’ve tried bringing it up but I always get reactions like “I’m mad at you for asking for attention like this” when all I really want is a good talk, someone to say it’s a phase and it’ll pass that it’s ok to be sad but it’s never ok to want to kill yourself. A hug would be nice…

    • redfern March 15, 2016, 5:36 am

      I hear you I hear you! SO many people make it about themselves, make everything about themselves and can’t see that people are reaching out or have need and that’s really what it’s about. I’m so sorry that the people in your life are reacting so poorly, when you need empathy and love. I understand… I often feel suicidal, but I’m aware the feelings are my body and mind and my system reaching out with need – an expression of the pain I am in — not a directive, and pain needs to be met with love and empathy, not anger, or dismissal, or control. I am sending you a hug over the e-vastness. Maybe also try connecing to the ‘experienceproject’ (google it)…the sections on depression there really helped me, mostly very good people wanting to connect and care for each other.

  • tracy January 4, 2016, 8:50 pm

    Hi, I’m someone who was just diagnosed with MS. I thought I had problems before… I would shut down and throw myself self pity parties before this happened! Usually over my lack of career/no car (multiple car problems, car crash totaled… having liability only). I could go on seriously it would never end. I’ve been struggling to cope and accept that I now have to inject myself with medicine multiple times a month.

    Also, I have to deal with side effects after each injection. I also now have to worry about how I’m going to pay for this new horrible life and worry about it every year like unemployment. (I live in a seasonal area laid off a few months a year… another struggle). I’m still trying to stay positive… It is a struggle.

  • Anonymous January 17, 2016, 5:25 am

    All I’ve ever wanted was a life without pain. I’m 24 years old and have been depressed for nearly 10 years. These past 5 I began to feel hope when I met the man of my dreams. But I would only have 3 years of bliss. In 2014, he cheated on me. I stayed because I felt the issue could be solved and we could work things out, a month after we broke up, we started dating again. In 2015 I was involved in a high speed collision that I was lucky enough to walk away from.

    But had to deal with the mental and physical pain associated with the accident. Though the accident wasn’t my fault, I have felt guilt for a long time as the driver in the other vehicle ended up severely injured and to this day is not doing well. Later in 2015, my boyfriend and I decided to buy a house. We bought a puppy, and after 2 months she was ran over by accident, by my boyfriend. The pain he went through hit me hard too.

    I had never seen him so devastated. Right after the incident he bought another puppy even though I was still grieving for my puppy. I eventually fell in love with our new girl. Fast forward to today, my boyfriend after 5 years told me he no longer loves me. I have now lost my home, my puppy (again) but more importantly, the love of my life. I have no friends but a relatively supportive family.

    I just don’t feel like I can talk to them about how I feel. It’s going to be Sunday tomorrow so I doubt any offices are open to talk with anyone. And I don’t want to talk on a hotline because I don’t want my mom or dad to hear (yeah, I had to move back on with my parents). Every day, every month and every year there always seems to be something. I don’t think I want to die, but I’ve never been in so much pain in my whole life…

    I want to talk to someone but I think I have to wait until Monday. So, this is my “speaking up” moment for now.

  • Richard January 30, 2016, 8:02 pm

    I’m a 57 year old white gay male – tall and skinny with a small penis – but kind of good looking. I’ve been very unhappy for as long as can remember. I have no boyfriend and no friends. I’ve been a paralegal for 20 years and I hate every f*cking second of it. Both of my parents died in 2014 and they were so poor they had nothing left to leave me. I earn 70k yearly but I’m still poor because I’m still paying off my student loan – I still owe 45K on it not to mention additional credit card debt.

    The only happiness I get is from smoking pot which costs $450 monthly. I haven’t smoked in 2 weeks because I’m try to save money. I can’t sleep unless I smoke pot. When I don’t smoke pot, my dreams wake me up and I can’t get back to sleep and I’m filled with anxiety. Any sex I have is anonymous but I get to hook up with cute guys, but they don’t want a continuous relationship with small-dicked guy.

    I did have a long term boyfriend but he is mentally ill and the relationship deteriorated. I started to hate Jews (my grandfather was Jewish and a real a-hole) when I went into the legal profession. I work for Jews and I think they know I hate Jews. I have not had a pay increase in 2 years. My commute is 90 minutes each way. I wanted to move into Manhattan so I could possibly have a social life but I just renewed my lease in Queens because the rents in Manhattan are just too high.

    The cheapest rent fro a decent studio apartment is $2200 monthly and you have to earn 40x the rent to qualify. I’m probably going to get fired soon because I just keep getting angry at work due to my life and I say things that piss everybody off. The other day I got pissed and said I hated this country and was going to vote for Trump. I’ve wanted to kill myself for years if not decades.

    My car is 15 years old and on its last legs. I just put new tires and wheels on it but the transmission is leaking and the suspension system is rotting away. I don’t think it will pass inspection next month. I have about 40K in retirement savings and I might just cash it in and pay the penalty and go to Denver and stay stoned for as long as can and then kill myself. I see no way out.

    • Tony February 2, 2016, 7:51 am

      Richard, I know exactly how you feel… I posted this comment under another post a couple of days ago and ironically we’re exactly the same age, so I thought I’d share this with you… Comment I posted under a similar post 2 days ago:

      I FIRMLY believe that suicide is my ONLY solution… I’m 57 years old, divorced and owe over $300,000 to my bank. Most of the debt is for the loan on the house that I am living in and unless some miracle occurs, the bank will sell it on auction (probably for about 1/3 its market value), after which I’ll be instantly homeless. I expect this will occur within the next 8 weeks.

      I got divorced and lost my job in the same month – July last year and I have applied for over 100 jobs since – ALL applications promptly rejected, of course. I feel like I am a hopeless, useless and worthless bag of garbage. I guess that would be because in reality, that’s what I must be. Nobody wants me and nobody cares, but that’s not important, I can live with that – being alone isn’t bad really.

      What I cannot cope with is the fear of being homeless and totally penniless for the rest of my life I don’t like the idea of living in parks or in the wilderness, especially in cold, wet weather. I am almost constantly sobbing day-in day-out because I see no way out of this at all. Suicide I believe, is a saviour from the infinite humiliation I am destined to suffer otherwise…

      Oh yeah and just to put the icing on the dreadful cake that represents my hopeless life: I also had to cash in ALL of my superannuation to settle my divorce, so now I have NOTHING. The only glimmer of hope I am clinging to now is that I might win Lotto. Seriously. I know that seems INSANE, but is it?

      What other hope do I have? I am old, useless and above all: UNEMPLOYABLE… I invest a very small amount on that each week and pray that my numbers will one day prove lucky. I NEVER used to gamble before all this happened and I even advised others how they were only ‘buying false hope’. Waiting for the Lotto numbers to be drawn is the ONLY reason I am still alive.

      It would be pretty unfortunate if I hung myself and the next day my numbers were drawn and I won $5,000,000.00! I see no other solution. I don’t want to listen to councillors, therapists or psychologists and their patronizing words (that make me feel even MORE worthless) any longer. I have grown tired of this world and its cruelty, so I am leaving it, very soon.

      Good luck to everyone who may be experiencing similar because I don’t think that too many people reading this would have it much worse…

    • redfern March 15, 2016, 5:50 am

      I’m sorry you are suffering. I hear your pain. Some ideas:

      1. Pay off your credit card debt first. Calculate how long it will take to pay it off if you STOP putting anything on it, and just pay your minimum balance. Once you have this calculation, take the amount you would need to pay per month, and budget out (include your regular payments on your student debt, your regular payments for pot, your regular payments for food) how much additional you can put on. It’s OK if it’s only $50 extra a month. Really. Set up an automatic payment. Mark it in your calendar. CELEBRATE (emotionally!, feel good about yourself) each and every time you the date for the payment rolls around.

      2. While you’re doing this, keep paying the amount you need to pay on your student debt. Then, once your credit card is paid off. Do the same.

      3. Once stuff is paid off…quit your f*cking job. When you don’t have debt, reduce your lifestyle and do something you enjoy. Even if it is a receptionist job that pays $10 an hour for a company or non-profit that you can get behind. (I say when, cause reducing your lifestyle in order to pay off your debt almost never works, because it feels like punishment…do one good thing at a time, gently). (Ha, OK, quitting your job may not be gentle, but if you hate it that much…). As a paralegal you have hella lot of skills. Think creatively about them! (You can use the time while you’re paying off debt to think creatively!)

      4. Stop worrying about your dick. The dudes you’re with are lucky to be with you, regardless of the size of your penis. If they care about that, they are idiots. Have fun, experiment, date around, but don’t look for the solution inside someone else… there is no way you are not worth loving (you loving you…).

  • Allan Fry February 11, 2016, 1:55 am

    It doesn’t matter what you say. At some point in life things can just be too difficult to continue on. If you’re young, you have a good chance of fixing your problems, but when you are 50, sometimes it is just the end. I will end it, it is only a matter of time. The reason I haven’t yet is because I fear what it will do to my wife. It is getting to the point where my wife will want to leave me because of my troubles. Once that happens, I’m free to take my life. Sometimes it really is the only way out of this pain.

  • Melinda February 16, 2016, 10:45 am

    I’m suicidal everyday… tonight your article gave me great comfort. The only peace of mind I’ve had in a while. I’m 19 almost 20. My dad got diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer almost a year ago. I’ve been his caretaker for the past six months on my own. At first I just thought he’d get better. He was always the only sane person in my family. The strong one. I slowly watched him go from 200 lbs to 129… I watched my dad wither away.

    Day by day. He’d ask God to take him. It ruins my own sanity to see my father in this amount of discomfort. He never smoked so this wasn’t fair. He looks like he’s doing better now. He’s gained weight. Treatment side effects are wearing off. However for some reason just a while ago the thought of dying came in my mind. Since then has never left. I think into. All day. Every day. No matter what I’m doing.

    I lived a sheltered life as a child. So it’s really hard for me. What does death feel like? What happens after we die? I’ll never be able to hug or talk to the ones I hold close to my heart once they die. I won’t be able to love my boyfriend of almost 3 years now who I love dearly from the grave. This is the first night where I think I’ll be able to sleep with a clear mind. Thank you. Bless your soul.

  • Olivia February 18, 2016, 9:12 pm

    My name is Olivia. I will be 29 in March, and for the past several months I have been contemplating ending my life. I am a girl, that happens to be transgender. I am unemployed, a high school dropout and I have no college education. I have severe anxiety which I have been battling for many years. I am homeless and couch surfing, staying at my sisters place watching over my nephew.

    They are both unbearable un an indescribable way. My family does not understand me, or support or accept me. Most have banished me. Only my mom has even attempted to try. I am a licensed cosmetologist and cannot find a job in a salon anywhere. I briefly served in the ARMY and was discharged for my anxiety after serving only 3 months. I have a misdemeanor for stealing a bicycle a couple years back.

    I have no car or a driver’s license. I have let myself go and have fallen through the cracks. I’m not even educated enough to go to college to get an education. I am stuck in a small gross hick town. I have no health insurance and cannot afford any kind of treatment for anything and am nor able to get health insurance through the state.

    I’ve let my body go to sh*t and all I want to do is daydream all day. I was rather abused as a child and was once molested by a family member. I cannot even afford to have hobbies that used to bring me joy and I know they wouldn’t satisfy me anyway. I have wasted my life, my youth, and any chance of being independent. I used to have a drug issue and stole a bunch of money from a family member to buy drugs.

    They know this and don’t want much to do with me anymore. I also stole drugs from a close friend of mine who doesn’t want anything to do with me either. I have since quit and turned to drinking, which helps my anxiety but not my depression. I am seeing an intern therapist for free and the therapy isn’t helping. I have destroyed my life. I have hurt others from my wrong doings. I am a broken and defeated person.

    I am lost, alone and just want it all to end. I think about ending my own life just about every day. I think I am going to. I don’t know when or how, but I can feel it will be soon. I can’t even afford to run away. I have lost all confidence and self esteem. I have only held a job for 6 months or longer, twice in my whole life. Everything has fallen apart. I have fallen apart. I just want it all to end. I just want it to stop.

  • ? February 26, 2016, 6:42 pm

    I am 31 and very depressed. I have two children, 13 and 8 months. I never wanted kids I only had them for their fathers. It’s a f*cked up story. Two separate fathers. I’m drowning in over 30 thousand in debt. My last child’s father can’t help me out. I’m too scared to kill myself of fear of the unknown but if I died in my sleep that would be great or a deadly accident I’ll take that to.

    I hate my job, my relationship, I don’t even find joy in my kids I just look at them like chores, I drink a lot and smoke cigarettes. When I try to stop I get so depressed and down. I have no one to talk to. My past is so horrible I know I’m going straight to hell. I have to force myself to smile I find joy in nothing.

    I don’t want to go anywhere I just want to be left alone. I hate being responsible for two kids. I hate being a parent. My mom raises my older son and I wish my youngest child’s father would take him and raise him in another house.

  • Blake March 2, 2016, 12:09 am

    I have lived with depression 90% of my life. I really don’t know what its like to not be depressed. I have made SO many stupid mistakes in my life. And those were not small simple mistakes. Each one of those mistakes were severe, and changed every aspect of my life, for the worse. I cannot forgive myself for them. I can’t. I have tried. But I can’t.

    I am 25 years old, living with my parents, and going absolutely nowhere in life. My parents are both alcoholics. They have always been. I no longer have any friends. My sister is one of the most selfish people in the planet, and despite all I have done for her, and how much I defended her from people, she is doing better than me. And doesn’t even care or check up on me. Life is so cruel…

  • Tom March 5, 2016, 7:05 pm

    Who knows if this will be read. I don’t really care. I am in hell. My wife has Leukemia, and is in preparation for a stem cell transplant. She just finished her first round of chemo, and I try to remain supportive and hopeful, but I feel as though I have already lost her. I’m 36 and she is 30. Watching her slowly decay from the poison that is extending her life is killing me faster than I think the cancer is killing her.

    To top that off, I have given up everything. My privacy, my inspiration to do the things I love, all to take care of her. And now, I suppose as a coping mechanism, my wife is shutting me out. I am slaving all day to keep her safe and comfortable. We have given up our home and moved in with her parents for the extra help. I packing our house, all the while wondering if my wife will ever see any of this stuff again.

    I’m taking care of our 3 year old daughter, and I’m working over night to maintain an income. Even if I had any time to sleep I can’t. Nightmares haunt me, and when it’s not nightmares it’s my own racing thoughts of my wife dying and leaving us behind. I don’t know what to do. The urge to cry comes on dreadfully like the urge to puke so I hide out in the bathroom until it passes.

    I sit in our room and look at its four walls like a prison as her parents prattle on about something I don’t care about, and all the while I wish my sick wife would just come over and talk to me. I don’t want to be a part of this world anymore. I have no more desire to go on. I have multiple ways out. Maybe I just need to courage to be a coward and leave all of this behind.

  • Community March 5, 2016, 11:15 pm

    I haven’t ever hurt myself, but I sure have been lonely for a very long time. It waxes and wanes. Look everyone, FIRST REMEMBER THIS! Your loneliness is NOT CAUSED BY YOU. The suicide feeling is NOT CAUSED BY YOU. The state of our SOCIETY is what is causing the tremors that constantly reverberate within you. In the old days, life was TOUGH, but generally, people were close knit.

    There were communities. In fact, this wasn’t that long ago. Where is this now? People put their parents in care houses. If you still live with your parents in America, doesn’t matter if you have a great life, you’ll be ostracized and said, “Go be independent!” Independent. That’s what American’s have been brainwashed to become.

    A little bit of in dependency is needed for the proper growth of all humans. But humans need communities to help each other! The community has been DESTROYED by a carefully crafted social engineering by the joint efforts of psychology, government, education, media, and corporations. If we bring back the community, we will help each other.

    We will be stronger as a nation. There won’t be a need to be lonely or suicidal because everyone will have a care for another person! We will stand up to oppressors, especially our own government who has been oppressing us for years. We will be CLOSE ONCE AGAIN! Fight the foolish brainwashing of ‘becoming independent, going out on your own, creating your own life’, and instead help to create a COMMUNITY!

    THAT is the cure to the wound! The reemergence of the community must begin now.

  • I just want to kill myself March 8, 2016, 2:29 pm

    I want to kill myself. I have no pupose to even exist. I tried to get social support, but everybody ignores me and says I’m pretending it all. I tried all distractions, but all of them made me feel even more useless. I tried to use medicine, but nothing happened. I tried professional help, and I felt better for a week until it came back. I’m in need of help. I need somebody to reach his/her hand out and help me. I need somebody to cure me. Help!

    • redfern March 15, 2016, 5:58 am

      Hug hug hug!!! Just keep trying things like you’re doing… at some point, it WILL shift! Just take the best care of yourself you can. Make that your only focus. People (social support), can’t always handle what others need them to, unfortunately…that is so frustrating and sad and hurtful and feels like abandonment (at least to me it does), but YOU are worth the little things you can do for yourself to take care.

      Soothing juice or food or soup or tea, a gentle walk outside when you can, a favorite book or TV show, a favorite blanket to curl up under as soon as you get home from work or school, a letter you write to yourself… you can do it!

    • Eric March 15, 2016, 8:13 am

      You’re not pretending. It’s very real, and I understand. Medicine never worked for me either. I cope by being aware of my negative thoughts, and trying to counter them with a good thought (this is called “cognitive intervention”). I also use the “distraction” method to lose myself in a story (movie/book), which gives me a “break” from the pain.

      I agree that distractions sometimes makes me feel useless, but it’s not your life – it’s just a brief break from pain. There’s no magic cure, but it DOES get better with time. Don’t expect so much of yourself – it’s okay to take breaks. It’s okay not to be “special”. A lot of people won’t understand. But many of us do. You are not alone. In fact, I wish I saw your post last week. I hope you see my response.

  • Zephyr March 13, 2016, 1:37 pm

    There is so much pain on this forum and I am so sorry. What I want to say, in scrolling through the responses, is that the vast majority of you DID NOTHING WRONG. You did nothing to deserve the pain. You have clear consciences and are good people. I know that does not take away the pain but it means you do have some hope of liking yourself and who you are someday.

    My depression came because I did something horrible and immoral. I’m 39. Before that I had some anxiety and a family history of depression but I had a great life and liked myself. I ruined it in one fell swoop. I’m pretty sure that some of you and the world in general might actually encourage me to kill myself. If the world were just, I would get cancer or hit by a bus or murdered. And I can’t take it back, make amends, whatever.

    That is not possible. I just death grip through my days trying to provide my two young children some love, which they deserve, and faking it with everyone because if they knew my dark secret they would all hate me or at least pity me. This is the REST OF MY LIFE. Nobody else makes this epic of a mistake. I am hurting my sister and Mom and husband by wishing for death at every turn.

    I obsess over going back in time and fixing things, which of course I can’t do. Please have some hope for yourselves. You can find a way out of the depression you don’t deserve, but even if I cure the depression, my conscience will never heal.

    • redfern March 15, 2016, 5:51 am

      Oh my gosh, this sounds awful. Is there really no way to amend? Living amends to the rest of the world, perhaps?

      • redfern March 15, 2016, 5:53 am

        (I don’t mean what you did sounds awful, I have no idea…but I mean, even if the people around you can’t/don’t want to forgive [and that is their right], the pain you are feeling sounds awful, and you can work on your own internal worldview, and help yourself by finding some way you can live with that looks like amends).

    • Eric March 15, 2016, 8:23 am

      Zephyr, You are already paying the price, and seem to be making the best of the rest of your life. Please forgive yourself for being human – we are all flawed, and we can make horrible mistakes. You are a better person for your mistake(s) – you’re now a person who would never do that (again), right?

      If you don’t let the guilt destroy you, you can still do some good in this life. Look forward to that redemption, because someday you’ll reach it – yes, in THIS life. I believe in the you that’s here, now. The past is just a story – that’s why they call it his-story…

  • Michael March 26, 2016, 11:18 pm

    First I hate my story, Born into a family that didn’t want a boy, I had 5 sisters, the father had to tell the mother, if you keep hitting him like that I’ll hit you like that, I was 3 months old. And then the father started to hit, I’ve been beaten with belts, wood, and fist. At the age of 6 I was raped by two brothers who were being paid to babysit me, just to go home to get hit again, normally I got hit almost everyday till the age of 14.

    The girls were treated like gold, they never got hit, thank god. I’d go too school and get beaten up almost every day, to the point of running home as fast as I could, just to get hit from the mother and sent to the babysitters. By the age of 16, I save up enough money to buy my first rope, hung it in a tree and starred at it for hours. One day before my 17th birthday the father came to me and said get out, my birthday is December 31, and I lived in RI. at night.

    There was about 3ft. Of snow on the ground, and I froze my ass off. I truly believe my PTSD, depression, and killing myself started the minute I was born. I’ve paid 19 years of child support to a child I’ve never met. So, I’ve been beaten, raped, homeless, abandoned, and most important unwanted.
    I’m 50, and still I think about my death. And I’m left with worthlessness, major trust issues on any male/female, I trust no one including myself.

    I’ve cut my arms up, just to hear some doctors say your doing it wrong. I’ve been in mental institutions, and mental wards in hospitals. I’ve been on all kinds of meds, to the point one my last attempts, I ate all my meds and cut my wrist again, to were it put me in a coma. I’m married to a lady who a lot of the time everything is about her.

    I’m on SSD, because I’ve had to many attempts, I’m not allowed to drive, and I have to have a payee to receive my money I worked for my whole life.
    I was a true believer in 2012, hoping for some kind of justice from my parents, and to those pieces of crap that did those terrible things to me as a child. But I got nothing, and there all alive and free to walk the streets.

    I’ve hated life, and humans, and God, for awhile now, and for good reasons. Today I’m not crazy for food, I figure we need food to live, it keeps the heart beating and why would I want to do that, so I eat very little. Normal weight 135/140, today’s weight 122. Meds to me are nothing but band aids that only cover the problem they don’t fix the problem. And I’ve been on enough to know the difference.

    I still talk to God once in awhile, and if and when I pray I mostly pray for a heart attack or a fatal car accident. Like I said I hate this story, I avoid mirrors because they are a constant reminder of everything that’s happened to me. I recently moved away from those who have wiped there feet on me. I live 3000 miles away from them, but I thought out of sight out of mind. But my feelings are still with me, and death is something I can’t get out of my head.

    I’m tired of thinking, breathing, and existing. So, I’m not dead yet. Please take care.

  • Micah March 29, 2016, 7:08 pm

    I have been stuck in a state of depression since my dad died almost 10 years ago now. About 6 years ago I made a new best friend and he was fantastic. His personality lit up the room. He was the best friend I’ve ever known. He was helping me to be positive and have a happy outlook on life. He would always tell me, Micah we live in one of the most beautiful places on earth.

    We have the beach, the sunshine, all of this to enjoy. And he really didn’t brighten my spirits. Then one day I get a call that my best friend has drowned and the Coast Guard is out looking for his body. My downward spiral of depression started all over again. Not only have I lost my father, my hero, the anchor of our family… But now I’ve lost my best friend. Coming up on 4 years now.

    I’ve met the love of my life. And there’s no doubt about it. But my depression is still eating at me. I have to fight it. I have to be someone he can be proud of. But I am just sitting around wallowing instead of even trying. I’m so afraid of failure that I’ve caused it. I’m such an emotional wreck and this relationship is a mess but I know it could be perfect if I could just GET UP out of bed in the morning, shower, go get a job, make friends.

    I need to try. I can’t just give up. I can’t fail at this. We were meant to be together. And if I can’t get my fucking mental health together then I will have failed the relationship and I truly will have no reason to live. He deserves for me to try. He does so much for me and I’m just so stuck in my own head all the time. Happiness does not happen, we have to constantly choose it.

    Each moment and each action. The steps to happiness are the hard ones. It is easy to just give up. It is easy to just fill up the bath tub and slit your wrists. It’s hard to choose to TRY, every single moment, of every single day. But that is what I’m going to have to do if I want this to work.

  • Anonymous April 7, 2016, 4:34 am

    I like your article, but sometimes the feeling to kill myself is so great that I plan to do it. However, it is probably a good thing that most of the time, I do not have the guts to do so.

    • Her August 9, 2016, 5:59 pm

      Sometimes, I’m glad I have no guts. I tried a lot in the past. Now it’s just this looming, swirling sh-t storm in my head.

  • cheyenne April 15, 2016, 9:53 pm

    This article helped a bit. Just wishing this overwhelming weight on my chest would stop. I feel like I am thinking about doing it at least once daily. But it’s not like anyone cares anyways.

    • Her August 9, 2016, 6:00 pm

      I care. I love the name Cheyenne.

  • Isaac April 17, 2016, 5:53 am

    I started to feel better after a new treatment but then things got worse a few days ago. I’m off work for stress and harassment by another employee, and the doctor who is supposed to help me isn’t – I told him I wanted the depression back now that anxiety has taken over, and he offered me no help at all. The problems at work continue and I can’t relax and try to help myself for worrying that my claim will be denied.

    Now I think it would be best to give up. I have a few very new acquaintances in my life but nobody I can talk to the way I would talk to a friend. Old friends ignore my messages and they are not negative, just saying hello and asking if we can catch up and re-connect. I can see they’ve read them (thanks to technology) but they still say nothing.

    It affirms what the self-criticisms say, that I am worthless. I don’t want to quit, but I’m exhausted by the effort to continue in the face of nothing. I wish I could feel safe and connected to people again somehow. I’m tired, all I can think of is dying to make the pain stop.

  • Mackenzie Murray May 9, 2016, 12:53 pm

    If anyone wants to kill themselves PLEASE talk to someone. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you already know please kik me @ Murray.mac I promise I’ve been through this and I would be more than happy to be your someone to talk to. I care about your lives and you’re worth it.

    • Davey May 23, 2016, 8:46 pm

      Unfortunately talking may not help though, so kind as you are for inviting this, there is no evidence that it stops suicide. Some of us are beset with these feelings every minute of every day for many years and it is something we must learn to live with as with any long term illness. Yes it is horrible and painful, but there us worse effects if we give in to these thoughts. This article goes through a good selection of options, but be aware there is no answer that other people can give you, but it has to come from within yourself for that motivation and change.

  • CuddlyTiger May 30, 2016, 12:39 am

    Hi, I have read your writing, and have been uplifted by it. My suicidal thoughts have come about mainly because either neighbors ignore me on a daily basis, I have noticed shop staff laughing at me. This isn’t paranoia, I’ve actually witnessed them doing this and pointing at me.

    I thought to call my “best friend” a few weeks ago when I was suicidal, and instead of talking me out of it, or making me feel better, he said “I’m alone in this world, and if my best mate wants to kill himself, I want to go with him” and then said “let’s do it together”. He was obviously of no help. Anyway, I’ve thought about and planned my death many times over the years, but today I actually started to research it on the web.

    The pain of people ignoring me when I say “hello” or frowning at me, or laughing at me, just makes me want to kill myself. I want out, and quick. Please can you help? If you do reply, and I’m sure you will as you seem like a beautiful person, if I don’t reply straight away, it won’t be because I’ve “done it”.

    I live in the UK, and have at the very least said to myself, “wait at least one more day”. So if I don’t respond straight away, it won’t be for that reason. I just need some sleep. Anyway, I need to go to bed. Thanks in advance.

  • Crystal June 30, 2016, 4:34 am

    I’m 13, and I’ve been thinking suicide. I have an abusive member in my family who calls me awful names and hits me. I feel unloved and I have one close, close friends which has been helping me go through depression. But now that it’s summer I can’t see her. I isolate myself and am easily irritated so some fake friends left me… I haven’t told my parents that I have depression and it’s been a year already so it gets worse, and occasionally makes me think of suicide. I need help do you have tips to help call for help??

  • Wmgjones July 14, 2016, 4:51 am

    I just got my heartbroken today I thought that loved me and was my best-friend. She told me the world would be better off if I was dead. She told me I was weak and that no one will miss you. I’ve been really thinking about killing myself. My soul has been taken from me.

  • Darren Crotty July 16, 2016, 11:20 pm

    I’ve been depressed all my life. Moments of joy. Now just darkness. Talked to professionals. They had opinions. I have an aversion to people. They wanted me to socialize. The fear of being forced to go be social made me quit therapy.

  • PhilthyPhrank July 27, 2016, 7:47 am

    I have not met you and probably never will, but that doesn’t mean we can’t share a singular point in reality together at this point on the internet. The internet is the collective consciousness manifested, we are all part of it and each other. When we hurt, we all hurt.

    I can’t say that life has meaning, but I can say that things we deem to have purpose give life meaning. Purpose is what we should be seeking, not trying to figure out why we are alive – I think a lot of us get hung up on that, I know I did. Life is hard and life is unfair, we compare ourselves go others and other experiences, whether fair or justified or not, it’s normal.

    But the comparison is time away from finding meaning and purpose, please remember that. Don’t let your yesterdays eat all your tomorrows, regret and melancholy sometimes become comforting friends as they stick around, but they are not the only sustaining aspects. You are worth more than you think, you are worth more than a few bad points in your timeline. I hope you pull through, I hope you can generate the mindset or period of stasis to take a step back and feel objectively.

    I will always love you – this moment and this message will outlive me, but it is my shared experience with you that lives on forever in you. (You can do and mean the same).

  • June July 31, 2016, 9:25 pm

    Im 22 years old. I had thoughts of killing myself since I was 8 years old I use to wish I could end up in hospital and die. Then when I was 14 I tried to kill myself, I drank tablets one night only to wake up the next morning extremely thirsty. When I was 18 I tried to do it again yet nothing happened. When I was on college I had an abortion that I regret it up to this day.

    Every day I wish I could turn back and change my decision. My father passed away last year as well I think about him every second of the day wishing he was here to talk to. I hate my job, I just hate my life period. It feels like I’m going nowhere slowly. I just want to die. I’m tired of trying.

  • Shane August 18, 2016, 1:45 am

    A few months ago I was rushed to the hospital near death. I was found laying on the side of the road after taking over 100 rythmol pills 150 milligrams a piece. I now find myself feeling the same way I did then. I have 4 children. That should be enough for me to want to live. I did not tell anybody what I was doing a few months ago I just took all those pills and I started walking.

    I have no doubt in my mind that I am going to kill myself. I hate everything about me and I hate this life. I want to reach out for help. But after I tried to kill myself before they put me in a mental hospital. They put me in the lowest form of a mental hospital they have here in Orlando Florida. The doctors treated me as if I was an enemy.

    I would actually check myself into a mental hospital. If there was actually a hospital that didn’t seem like a jail cell. I want to find a reason to live. But I can’t. I’ve been labeled as a person with an impulsive control problem. Depression and bipolar. This is the first time I have ever put a message on anything. Honestly I really don’t know what I am.

    • Lori Stanford August 31, 2016, 2:26 am

      Shane, I have been – and am – where you were when you posted this two weeks ago. I have never posted a message concerning my suicidal ideations on any site, either, but your post compels me to speak up. Shane, you state, at the beginning of your post, “I have no doubt in my mind that I am going to kill myself.” I thought that same thing only a few minutes ago.

      I do not want to admit myself to the hospital because I know, from experience, the treatment approach I will encounter will be much the same as you describe but I also know how my family reacts when I do admit myself to prevent a suicide attempt. They are quite tired of me burdening them with such ‘drama and nonsense’. Therefore, I cannot call family, even though it was a family member who triggered this episode.

      I cannot call a friend because I do not want to burden them, and I will not call a hotline because they will suggest I admit myself, immediately, to a psychiatric center. The vicious cycle continues. I do believe, Shane, we are doing one thing that proves we truly do not want to die: WE ARE POSTING THESE MESSAGES. We just want the painful emotions and feelings of hopelessness to end.

      As for me, Shane, I have decided I am not going to end my life tonight. I think that decision is enough for right now. I know that is all I can manage right now. There is one other thing I also know and I know it from experience: I won’t feel this level of despair and desperation in the morning. We have done the best we can for right now, Shane. That is all we can ever ask of ourselves. I do have one hope right this minute and that hope is that you are reading this post. Lori

  • TLT August 23, 2016, 2:39 pm

    My older brother died recently at 62 of Alzheimer’s. It was extremely painful to know, to witness. he had a family, children, house and Grandchildren. I’m 10 yrs younger, I have nothing, no husband no children. I wish every day it was me instead of him because he had so much to live for where I do not. This year, I am long-term unemployed, I am also a photographer and a singer but I have failed I feel in life. My older brother had so much to live for and the awful disease took him. It’s not guilt, I don’t understand why I’m on this planet and someone so young had to die with so much to live for.

  • Frey August 29, 2016, 2:48 pm

    I’m beginning to feel my slant is not too rare. I have what everyone would think makes for a very nice life – a good education, personal achievements, a girlfriend, a job in my field. It just feels that none of these brings real happiness, or even peace of mind. I try not to complain because I know how very lucky I am, but I continue to feel that living is just not worth the struggle any more and that someone else would have better luck having what I have. People say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but I have determined, after several decades, that the problem may not be temporary.

  • Lori Stanford August 31, 2016, 3:12 am

    When I began this post, I could barely see the screen through the tears. Worse, I had no clue what I wanted or needed to say, if anything at all, so I stopped typing and started reading others’ posts. One, in particular, caught my attention and I felt an overwhelming urge – or, as I stated in that reply, I felt “compelled”, to reply. I will probably never know if my words made a difference or even if I was in time to make a difference. What I do know is what I shared in that post: Those of us who found this site and had the will to write a post do not want to die; we simply want the pain, the hurt, and the overwhelming distress to go away.

    At the end of that reply, I wrote that I have decided I am not going to do anything to myself tonight. I also wrote that I know, from experience, some of these feelings will be gone in the morning. I have awakened too many times, in a psychiatric ward, or worse, a hospital bed (after some overachieving doctor excelled at his or her practice and jerked me back from the threshold of the other side) thinking, “What have I done? I want to go home.” I don’t want to wake to those thoughts in the morning so, no, tonight I will not act on, what is most likely, an act I will end up regretting tomorrow.

    On a last note, I will remind whoever may read this that I have repeatedly used the word ‘experience’ in this post. My first suicide attempt occurred when I was 23. There have been several since that first time. I turned 62 exactly one week ago and I was happy that day’ free of suicide ideations. I have lived, despite some of my best efforts, this long. I can wait one more night to see how I feel tomorrow, when I am 62 years, one week, and one day old. Keep posting. It seems to help. Lori

  • Jasper Rhydian Steel September 20, 2016, 2:22 am

    Upon reading this article I found that I have no access to anyone who I am comfortable talking about my depression with. My family is the reason I have it and I don’t have friends. The only psychologist I’ve ever been to was a terrible person and made the problem worse. All of the distraction methods are things that I hate and I can’t just waltz away from my problems because I’m a minor. I hate myself and my life is devoid of meaning.

  • Josh October 8, 2016, 1:00 pm

    I’m a professional dancer, recently I’ve had knee surgery, my first major injury. I’m not going to dance again, I don’t think I can live with this. I feel like my passion and fight is ripped away from me.

  • Hannah October 11, 2016, 5:53 pm

    I’m suicidal and I’m a teenager. I’ve been through so much. This article really helped me so much.

  • Amanda October 13, 2016, 12:09 am

    Music is the only thing I still really like anymore. I don’t know if any of you have heard of the band called Daughter but they are my favorite band in the world. When I listen to them it makes me not feel as alone as I am. It makes me feel like there is someone out there who truly understands.

    Their music is very melancholic but sad music to me is like a massage for the soul. You all should try listening to them sometime. Made Of Stone, Smother, Landfill, Medicine are all really good songs. I just wanted to share this because I think music always connects people.

  • DD October 14, 2016, 11:11 pm

    After my husband of 33 & 1/2 years walked out of our marriage 3 years ago, the shear pain of what he did to me without a clue that he wasn’t happy truly rocked me and made me feel so hurt, I wanted to just die. But after months of assessing our marriage, I recovered and stayed as happy as I could at age 57, trying to rebuild myself. But then another thing happened only 4 months later. The call I got from my brother in NY rocked my world again, with his telling me he found my adoption docs hidden in our dad’s apartment.

    I never knew I had been adopted, and the total pain of not ever knowing, and feeling cheated out of knowing I was born to a French Jew and never told crushed me. I didn’t get along with my adoptive mother and had to run away as a young adult of 21 and join the US Navy was so hurtful to me, yet I have accepted this news and trying to cope with it still 3 years later. But then another incident has happened to me.

    My left eye retina detached and had surgery to reattach it in Oct 2015 but only 33 days later it detached again, leaving me legally blind in my left eye. I just want to die right now because I cannot cope with this. The life I wanted to rebuild after my husband was gone has slipped away from me. Even though I moved to CA after my husband dumped me and our 2 sons in WA state the saddest part of the country has not helped me overcome my complete sadness and feelings that I can never be happy again.

    I have no family nor any friends and want to end my life soon because I feel a curse has been placed on me. During my entire married life my husband dragged me all over the US for his careers -from east coast to west coast and back again. Because of this, both myself and sons feel so lost without roots or knowing who we are, and what to do. I wake up every day now crying and wanting to die, dream about how I am going to do it, and leaving behind text messages and emails to the one friend on the east coast letting them know I have crossed over to a peaceful and maybe happier life on the other side.

    Recently finding out from my first cousin, that my birth mother told the family she did give birth to a baby girl in 1957 in Germany but that baby died of a disease, has caused me so much pain and anguish, that I feel it’s time to join everyone who had passed away that has known me, from my adoptive mother, my birth mother, the grandmother I never knew, to relatives of my adoptive parents who know I was adopted and never told me to my birth father who wasn’t listed on my adoption records nor birth certificate, to the aunt and uncle who never knew about me to their daughter who could have been the sister to me and died in a house fire, I want to join them all.

    • Vazulie November 6, 2016, 9:30 pm

      Dear DD I hope you are still alive today and that you received some replies to your words. I am so touched by your story, how tough it has been for you. I understand the note having roots and place to call home, it is tough. The only way I can do this is through nature often by seating near a river or imagining that the roots of a tree touches all the other trees in our world.

      Or the moon, the stars they always make me feel like Earth is my home. Tonight if it is dark where you live we could connect you and I through the moon. Did you notice how it is always the same wherever people are? So please call someone you can talk and talk and cry and shout and feel some more with…you have so much to feel dear DD. My heart goes out to you. Take great care. You are precious.

  • Allison October 26, 2016, 6:49 am

    I am broke… I work in a minimum wage job in a foreign country where I thought my life would improve after completion of college. I am barely affording my rent and I have no financial support. Getting up to go to that job is just a reminder of how disappointing my life is.

    I regret going to university and college. I feel like I wasted all that money for nothing but endless disappointment and poverty. My life is not worth living. I am tired of struggling to survive and living the way I had before completing my studies. Dying appears to be the best way out of this nightmare I am suppose to call life.

  • John November 4, 2016, 12:02 am

    This was definitely helpful, usually I never make social contact with people and like to stay to myself, but thanks to the tips, I’ve felt a lot better.

  • Am I a Sociopath? November 8, 2016, 7:15 am

    I’m 17 years old and I am lucky. I have a loving family, friends that appreciate me, good grades, a nice house and no adult responsibilities. I am not sick, starving, poor, alone, disabled, overweight, nothing. And yet I feel miserable all the time – I want to shrivel up and die, I want to dissolve, I want to stop existing.

    I don’t really see the point in carrying on when things are so painful. The thing is there is no one that I really love or care about and thus I don’t really care if my leaving upsets them. I know it’s selfish, I understand it’s wrong but this doesn’t seem to affect me. Perhaps I am a sociopath – people being hurt by my actions doesn’t really affect me and I am after all asexual…

  • Anonymous November 10, 2016, 3:39 am

    I hate my life. I just want to die. My parents are too ashamed of saying that I am their daughter because of just a dumb test and a score of 88% (B). My family is mostly very smart, and my parents think that I am a bad student. Everyday, I go to sleep crying over something my parents said about a score. The worst score I ever got, was this, 88%. I just don’t know what to do…

    • warm_bot November 19, 2016, 10:36 am

      Wow your parents are really strict. A score does not reflect your personality or intelligence. It just reflect your ability to answer that test. Plus the last 12% of 88% are 12% of things you need to understand with more time, or just things you didn’t remember at this very moment. Finally wtf 88% is already a lot!

      The best thing you can do is to find professional help, it can be a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Or relaxation and self-confidence techniques.
      To be honest, I think it’s more your father who need to see a psychiatrist because of his high expectations on his kids, that might say more about him (projections of what he is and want on his children, something like that) than about you. But I don’t think he’s the kind of person who is disposed to do psychotherapy.

      Even better would be a family therapy. For the moment you can try to do a therapy (or other solutions) in order to help you cope with this situation, raise your self confidence and independency toward your parents expectations, and decrease your suicidal thoughts (which I’d probably have too, if I was in the same unescapable situation).

      Also, it’s my own personal experience, when I was young, I was in an abusive family too. So when I was in high school, I asked to go to a high school really far away from my house, I only came back for weekends. I you can’t do that, maybe try leaving when you are 18 (but don’t run away, it will put you in a bad situation, and will just make you more dependent of these persons).

      Sometimes the only was to escape an abusive person is to put distance between you and them. Good luck you deserve love, safety and gratitude.

  • Simprincess November 17, 2016, 2:05 am

    I am 12. Maybe I am not suicidal, but sometimes I do think about killing myself. No one knows. What should I do?

    • preciouscane November 18, 2016, 5:58 pm

      Maybe find a good bookstore and browse some stories to make you feel better.

    • warm_bot November 19, 2016, 10:21 am

      Hi, If you think about suicide, we can say you are suicidal. The best thing to do according to me is to talk about it to an adult person who can orientate you to some professional help like a psychiatrist or a psychologist. If you cannot speak to your parents, try a school counselor, or something like that. You can also call a hotline, they are able to guide you to the right person, and will discuss with you about the most appropriate kind of help (not only psy). Good luck, you matter, and you deserve to feel better.

  • warm_bot November 19, 2016, 10:16 am

    One thing that helped me a little was making a short term (in 2 days, or at the end of the week) appointment (one at time) with my psychiatrist. Because I knew I would have to go there and tell her how it’s progressing, if it’s different from day to day, etc. It made me have a short term goal. It made be (a little) busy thinking about what I was going to tell her, maybe writing it, or just observing myself.

    For me it was a psychiatrist because I had nothing else (and it requires that the psy is available), but maybe it could be something else for another person. Like planning to meet with someone you trust and you can talk about it (spending a night watching movies distract from that a little), or an appointment for a massage to relax your self, or anything that you like enough to make you wait for it. Plus it makes you move and sometimes even go out, or encourage you to shower, or eat (with the friend), which can already help you feel a little bit better.

    It doesn’t solve the problem but it makes you gain 2 or 3 more days alive. Also I’ve heard about “suicide box”, you put in a box all the things that make you feel better, like a movie you like, a letter from a friend or family, a phone number from someone you like, music that makes you feel energetic (you know, “epic” music), food, a letter or a video for yourself… anything you want.

    The last thing I’ve heard, it was for coping with healing from an accident, but I think it might work for depression. It’s asking to friends to make you a list of things to do, 1 thing a day, in order to keep yourself busy. Plus “executive functions” are not working when you are depressed. Executive functions are a cognitive process that make you execute actions. That’s why when you are depressed, even if you find motivation to do something, you can’t move from your bed.

    Of course, a friend telling you “go for a walk, you will feel better” doesn’t solve your depression (we all know people who tell you that kind of thing that piss us off). But having someone telling you to do something (something that you can do, not going out for a run for example, it’s too much) can sometimes help you compensate with your executive functions problem. I remember my doctor telling me things like “drink water when you wake up” or “switch off your phone at 9pm, and you are not allowed to switch it on before 9am”.

    It didn’t work all the time, but at least I had a goal, and I was trying. There’s more chances that you do something if someone else tells you to do. Because when it comes from you, you are lost, you don’t know if it’s a good idea or not, you’re confused. It’s more clear when it comes from someone else. But of course, if someone wants to commit a suicide, it’s a neuropsychological problem, you cannot completely fight it with just movies and music. Yet even if it doesn’t cure you, all this things might help you gain a little more time.

  • Kane November 21, 2016, 3:50 am

    This didn’t help me at all, what do you do when the help doesn’t help? The only reason I’m still here is because I love my partner too much to do it to her so I just sit around hating every moment of my existence. What do I do?

  • Rachel November 27, 2016, 5:15 am

    Hey, I am 12 going to be 13 in a few months. Depression and suicidal thoughts have been a problem of mine for a while now. I tried to tell my parents but they just don’t get it. I had told them I cut, and gave them my razor but now I feel so empty without it. Faking everything I do, I spend most of my time alone and go to bed around 7:00 because if I stay up too late, I will never be able to sleep because of my thoughts. But I wanted to thank you because your article was a distraction for even a moment. Life is hard, and I know I don’t have it that bad after reading all of these other comments.

  • rachel December 1, 2016, 5:32 pm

    I’ve been depressed for so long I don’t even know. It started when I was a kid. I was sexually abused by my uncle at age 7 this went on for 2 years. When I told my parents what was going on they didn’t believe me. When I was 15 I talked about it again. Even then nothing changed. My whole family found out (aunts, uncles, cousins) and nobody cared to do anything about it.

    I’m 23 have no friends, I don’t have any family I can talk to. Besides feeling lonely in the world I feel like I can’t function as a human being. I have seen a psychologist and was diagnosed with OCD, depression, anxiety and ptsd. She wanted to give me meds and I refused. I don’t want to depend on a pill for me to be able to live.

    Nobody and I mean nobody really cares about me. You can say my parents do, but really if they did they would of helped me through my problems not just swept them under the rug and told me to let go. I’ve been dealing with this for so long that I’m tiered I’m tiered of living. I’m literally exhausted from just waking up and having to face another day.

    I feel so selfish because I know people have it worse and I shouldn’t complain. Which just makes me feel even worse. I’ve tried exercising, reading, doing art. Watching shows, but I just feel like I’m done.

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